Dilbert Thockmeyer
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An error occurred while saving the comment An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo-
I just cannot believe it Torgo, we just get our magnificent new beautiful neon "Valley Lodge" sign, with chase lights, built and that hick sheriff Jennings orders us to dismantle it.
What an unmitigated nerve he has threatening us that if we don't remove our sign immediately, he will fine us and throw us in jail.
Sheriff Jennings should have addressed these issues to you Torgo, since this was all your idea in the first place.
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoNot fair.
It's just not fair.
IT"S...JUST...NOT...FAIR!
-MasterAm I right, or am I right Torgo?
-MasterYes Torgo.
-TorgoI mean...???
What?
What was that you just said to me Torgo?
-Master-Torgo
You just said "Yes Torgo," didn't you? I heard you say it..
-Master-Torgo
Don't give me the silent treatment Togo!
I clearly heard what you said.
JUST GO AHEAD AND ADMIT YOUR MISTAKE!....................................
...............................RIGHT NOW!
-Master-Torgo
You know and understand that I am the #1 favorite follower of the great God Manos, and that I have been granted many awesome tremendous powers.
When pleased, I can give great joy and happiness, when angered, I can level whole cities with just a nod of my head.
Because of my awesome unlimited supernatural powers Torgo, we no longer need to go to the 7/11 to microwave our breakfast burritos like we used to. Remember?
With a simple wave of my hand, I can heat our breakfast burritos to perfection.
That is what unlimited power is all about Torgo.
You need to tremble at my feet and bow, like I do when Manos stops by for tea and cookies.
Now admit that you were mocking me, or incur my terrible and fearsome wrath!
-Master-Torgo
Ok...fine...Torgo! You have done it now! You have really just finally done it! Your fate is sealed!
You can expect to find your breakfast burrito to be a charred smoking ash cinder when you get home.
Now finish dismantling the sign and haul it all back to our lair!
I'm out of here.
-MasterMaster walks away, and when he is out of hearing range and unable to be seen, quietly, almost silently, in a hushed whisper Torgo says:
Yes Torgo.
-Torgo...and gives Master the finger.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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12/8/2019
12:40 a.m.Torgo's Diary
Dear diary, I have this old AM transistor radio that barely works. I don't remember where I got this radio, but I have had it for a long time. Sometimes very late at night, or really early in the morning, I can hear people talking on it, or music playing. This morning I was clearly able to hear a song being played, before the signal faded into static again. The song was "Merry Christmas Darling" sung by Karen Carpenter. She has such a beautiful voice. It was a special magical moment for me and just what I needed to hear.
I love you Karen Carpenter.-Torgo
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo-
You know Torgo, it has been like forever, that we have had any visitors.
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoThe last time we had visitors, it was that guy in the convertible...with the movie camera.
-MasterYes Master
-Torgo...and he had a family and a dog...remember him Torgo?
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoI think that his name was Hal...
You know what Torgo? I think that we need a new "Valley Lodge" sign at the entrance to our ten mile dirt road that leads to our crash pad. The old sign is falling apart, and you can't even read it anymore.
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoI think, I'll ask Manos, the all seeing, all knowing, most powerful God known to man, what he thinks.
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoManos?, Come in Manos, it is I "The Master" wishing to communicate with you.
-Master(Thunder sounds and then lightning flashes.)
This better not be a collect call like last time Master!
YES! What do you want now?
-ManosWe, being myself and Torgo, were thinking that it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to replace that old "Valley Lodge" sign at our road entrance, with a new one so that we might attract new sacrificial victims to honor your great mightiness.
If you like this idea, it was mine, if you don't like this idea, it was Torgo who thought of it.
-MasterDo you realize that I am right in the middle of watching a big college football game, and I have bet a lot of money on it?
-ManosOh great Manos, should we replace the "Valley Lodge" sign with a much bigger sign that lights up, at our dirt road entrance?
Should we huh? Should we?
-Master...whatever.
-ManosThank you omnipotent one! I will take that as a YES sign, and we will do your bidding at once, or as soon as we can get around to it.
...uh, I have just one other small request...
-MasterMANOS HAS SPOKEN!
Over and out.
-ManosOk Togo, we got the green light from Manos, let us build us the biggest frigowsky sign that people can't miss for miles around.
What do you think Torgo?
-MasterYour eyes take on a savage hypnotic glow in the moonlight, that I find compelling and cannot resist.
-TorgoWhat was that Torgo?
-MasterI said...yes Master.
-TorgoOh...ok, I thought that you said something else.
Torgo, I've got a wonderful idea. Since we are going to build a brand new :"Valley Lodge" sign anyway, let's do it in bright red neon with chase lights, and then we'll post a bunch of phony positive Yelp reviews about the lodge, and then we just sit back and wait for the sacrifices to come driving in...I mean the guests to start arriving.
What do you think about that Torgo, am I magnificently brilliant or brilliantly magnificent?
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoIf we hurry Torgo, we can make it to the Home Depot before it closes and pick up our sign building materials so we can get started with the new sign right away.
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoAn error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
commented
MANOS' - Notes to Myself
Just when I get into my jammies, pop some corn, have a cold beer ready, I get summoned up by those two knuckle heads, Master and Torgo, for another one of their sacrificial offerings to me. What's up with those idiots anyway? Don't they understand that Omnipotent God's have a structured work schedule, just like other blue collar workers, and they don't like to be bothered in their off-hour free time? First thing I should do is drop Master and Torgo from my worshiper list and get some competent disciples to replace them. Then I should bestow my powers on others who will appreciate the perks and pleasures of WORLD DOMINATION and can also respect my privacy, especially on weekends.
This will be my first New Year's Resolution for 2020.-Manos (All Seeing, All Knowing, Feared-by-all-who-gaze-upon-him, Omnipotent God and a really nice guy.)
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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10/21/2019
1:26 a.m.MASTER'S JOURNAL
Caught Torgo staring at me in that "funny way" again yesterday. This is beginning to make me feel a little uncomfortable. The way he looks at me reminds me of the way that I look at a woman before I make her my bride. You don't suppose that Torgo secretly wish's that he were my...bride? No...he would look terrible in white chiffon and panties. I will talk to Torgo about this tomorrow, right after he does my nails and gives me a full-body massage.
-Master
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Praise be to Manos!
Praise be to Manos!
Praise be to Manos!Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR4EEN-zoUQ
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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It was 3:00 A.M. in the morning inside the old run-down dilapidated shack that Manon calls home. A very loud knocking is heard at his door, followed by more loud knocking. Manon angrily jumps out of bed and answers the door. Standing in the doorway is an alligator dressed in a suit, holding a writing pad and pen, looking straight at Manon. Before Manon can speak the alligator says:" What did you have for breakfast this morning?" Manon is caught off-guard, he thinks for a moment and replies: "Uh well I had my usual Lucky Charms cereal and two cups of coffee with some cream and sugar, but what are you..." Before Manon can finish his sentence, the alligator interrupts Manon and says: "What is your favorite television program?" A stunned Manon gives this question some thought and replies: "Well I enjoy America's Funniest Home Videos, but for real laughs, I usually watch the evening news...who are you and wha..." Again the alligator interrupts Manon and says: "What brand of underwear do you prefer?" Without hesitation Manon let's out a loud laugh and says: "HAH! I got you there, I don't wear any underwear, I go commando. Heeyuk yuk yuk. Now who are you and why are you here at my door at 3:00 A.M. asking me all of these crazy personal questions?" The alligator smiles and replies: "Isn't it obvious, I am an in-ves-t-gator!"
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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A very worried Manon hurriedly pulls his van up to the Okefenokee Veterinary Center where Dr. Schwartzman is on duty. Manon loads Gertrude the gator into the pet carrier and rushes her into the waiting room. Dr. Schwartzman sees the panic on Manon's face and has him bring Gertrude directly into his examination room right away. Manon and Dr. Schwartzman place Gertrude on the exam table and Dr. Schwartzman says to Manon:
Dr. Schwartzman: What seems to be wrong with this alligator Mr. Manon?
Manon: Awww Gertrude's been very sick. She won't eat, she hardly sleeps, she doesn't even like to come along with me when I go get fast food anymore.
Dr. Schwartzman: Uh huh. I see. Mr. Manon, first I am going to look deep inside Gertrude's mouth, so I'll need you to hold her mouth open, while I look way down to the back of her throat.
Manon: Anything you say Doc.
(With a lot of effort, Manon manages to get Gertrude's mouth open and securely holds it while Dr. Schwartzman spends the next few minutes thoroughly examining his patient with a lighted scope, after a while he says:)Dr. Schwartzman: Uh huh yes, everything looks OK to me Mr. Manon. Uh huh yes, everything looks OK to me Mr. Manon.
Manon: Hey Doc, I'm not hard of hearing, you didn't have to say it twice!
Dr. Schwartzman: I didn't! That was an echo.
Dr. Schwartzman: So...what actually seems to be wrong with Gertrude Mr. Manon.
Manon: Well Doc, Gertrude here thinks that she is a large piece of alligator luggage.
Dr. Schwartzman: WHAT?
Manon: Yeah Doc, I kid you not.
Dr. Schwartzman: And how long has Gertrude been having this...uh...problem Mr. Manon.
Manon: Gee Doc, I guess that it's been about two years now.
Dr. Schwartzman: OMG (Oh My Gator) Mr. Manon! Why on Earth did it take you so long before you brought her in to see me?
Manon: Well Doc..for the last two years it hasn't been that-much-of-a-problem since we were doing a lot of traveling together.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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In an old forgotten out-of-the-way patch of dirt in the middle of swamp-land sits "The Okefenokee Saloon."
Inside of the saloon the patrons are gathered, laughing, singing, talking, but mostly drinking alcohol.
Manon, the swamp gator wrangler sits at the bar having a drink for the first time in a month after he was banned from the saloon for telling a really bad joke. This wasn't his first time being banned either. Bar patron Jake is sitting next to Manon, and says:Jake: It sure iz goot ta se y'all back at the saloon Manon, dis place just ain't the same widout ya.
(Manon doesn't say anything, he take a long swig of his micro-brewed "Green Gator Pale Ale.")
Jake: Yes sir Manon, we all sure did miss ya, but ya knows dat da bartender dislikes it when y'all causes a ruckus in here telling ye tall tales an terrible bad jokes.
Manon angrily turns to Jake and says:
Manon: What I said a month ago, wasn't a joke, I really am an amateur geneticist, and I did create a genetic freakazoid hybrid that is alive and living somewhere out there in the swamp. (Manon, holds up his arm, and shows Jake a hook, where his hand used to be.) How do you think that I got this? HUH? This is proof that I wasn't lying. (See the following bad joke after this bad joke for an explanation to this whole convoluted prologue.)
Jake: Awwwwwwwww go on Manon. Yer jest too much! (Jake drinks a shot of whiskey and pours himself another one.)
(Manon, takes another swig of his ale.)
(The door to "The Okefenokee Saloon" suddenly opens, a breathless man who is pale and profusely sweating enters the saloon and staggers to the bar clumsily seating himself next to Jake and Manon.)Old Clem can barley get out his words when he says: Bartender WHISKEY and leave da bottle.
Old Clem: None a y'alls wood believe wut I just saws and heards just fifteen minutes ago.
Jake: Clem y'all looks just awful, Take a minute, drink yer drink, an tell us wat happened.
(Old Clem drinks a shot of his whiskey, has another shot, and then drinks another shot before he speaks.)Old Clem: You boys are never gonna believe dis but, I wuz jest over by da swamp, an ya knows that there three-hundred fifty pound huge alley gator?
Well, he mooed at me, an real loud too. He just let out a big ole MOO. An then as I wuz starin at him in dizbelief he done mooed at me again. I swear that I heard dis.Jake: Better watch yourself Clem, or y'all will be the next person the bartender kicks outta here fer a month fer tellin tall tales, like he did last month wid ole Manon here.
Old Clem: But I swears dat I heard it, I swears it ta be true. An I weren't drinkin or smokin notin befores I heerd it. I swears.
Manon: Boys let me just tell y'all right now up front, that what old Clem here says is one-hundred percent true.
That there gator that you heard is " Swamp Johnny" and he's bi-lingual.Jake and Old Clem together: Bi.........waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
Manon: Swamp Johnny-the gator is bilingual, he speaks both cow and gator.
(Manon slowly gets off of his bar stool and leaves the saloon, knowing that it will be another month before he is allowed back inside again.)
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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It was a dark and stormy night and all of the locals were gathered at the "The Okefenokee Saloon."
It was the only bar around for seventy-six miles in the swamp-lands.
The regular local bar patrons were socializing and having a good time when suddenly the entrance door was violently thrust open.
Manon, the local gator wrangler entered and yelled:Manon: I DID IT! I DID IT!
Bar patron #1: What ya done Manon?
Manon: After years of unsuccessful experiments, I have finally achieved success.
Bar patron #3: Wat he talkin' bout?
Bar patron #6: By day Manon iz a gator wrangler, but after work he duz scientific experiments and stuff at hiz ole shack in by da swamp.
Manon: Ever since I purchased some plans on how to build a low-cost CRISPR genetic splicing machine from eBay, I have been doing genetic experiments at my home after work.
Bar patron #2: Oh dat real nice Manon, I never new a reel scientist before.
Bar patron #1: So why ya all so all fired up happy?
Manon: Because after years of trial and error, I have finally completed a successful splicing of two different species of animal DNA into one.
Bar patron #1: Unhuh, and wat iz it dat y'all spliced?
Manon: I was able to splice the DNA of one of our local swamp gators, with Lassie.
Bar patron #6: Oooookay, an wat duz y'all call this here creation.
Manon: I haven't come up with a name for IT yet, but here is a picture that I took of IT.
(Manon circulates a photograph of his creation.)(Bar patron #2 turns green, jumps up, runs to the bathroom and vomits. Bar patron #6 falls backward on the bar floor, runs to the bathroom and pukes. Bar patron #3 starts spinning around wildly, stops, runs to the bathroom and throws-up. Bar patron #1 groans, stares wild eyed into the crowd, vaults to the restroom ,hurls up all of his recently drunk alcoholic beverages.)
Bartender: Way to ruin a fun night at "The Okefenokee Saloon" Manon. Say... what does that there scientific creation of yours do?
Manon: Well, when I created it, it lunged at me, bit off my hand and then it ran for help.
Bartender: THAT'S IT MANON! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THIS BAR FOR A MONTH FOR TELLING THAT BAD JOKE! NOW GET OUTTA HERE!
Manon: I get no respect! No respect at all!
(Manon slowly gets off of his bar stool and leaves the saloon, knowing that it will be another month before he is allowed back inside again.)
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Question: Why did the gator cross the road?
Answer: To get to the chicken standing on the other side and eat him.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To get away from the gator that had just crossed the road to eat him.
Question: Why did Manon cross the road?
Answer: Who knows and who cares as long as he's wearing pants!
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Okefenokee General Hospital - Emergency Room
Manon, the gator wrangler, has been sitting in the ER for hours, waiting to see a doctor.
His left eye, partially seen underneath a bandage is swollen and black and blue, with multiple lacerations.
Finally, Manon's name is called by the nurse, to be seen.Manon: I am so glad to see you Dr. Marx.
Dr. Groucho Marx: Yes Mr. Manon, what can I do for you today?
Manon: Well Dr. Marx, it's my eye, every day I get this unbelievable shooting pain, and it seems to be getting much worse
I'm afraid that if this continues, I might lose both my vision and my eye.Dr. Groucho Marx: When does this intense eye pain occur Mr. Manon?
Manon: Every morning Dr. Marx, just like clockwork.
Dr. Groucho Marx: Uh huh, and do you drink coffee Mr. Manon?
Manon: I sure do, every day. But what...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you add cream and sugar to your coffee?
Manon: Well sure I do, but I don't...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you use a spoon to add your cream and sugar and then stir it in your coffee?
Manon: Well of course I do doc, doesn't everyone? Besides, what does any of this have to do with my eye prob...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you remove the spoon from the coffee, before you drink it?
Manon: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
Dr. Groucho Marx: Pay the cashier on your way out Mr. Manon.
Nurse, send in the next patient!An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Okefenokee Swamp
Halloween
It is Halloween evening in the Okefenokee Swamp and Manon is sitting in his Halloween decorated shack waiting for kids to show up.
The doorbell rings, "My first customer," thinks Manon.
Manon opens the door and there are two young gators dressed in Halloween costumes standing at his front door.Manon: Well hello, I see that you both came in costumes, what are you both supposed to be?
Gator kid #1: Guess?
Manon: Well uh, I would say from the amount of blood on you, graphic wounds, tattered clothes, and dead stares, that you are both dressed-up as zombies.
Gator kid #2: WRONG!
Manon: I give up then...what are you both dressed-up as?
Gator kids #1 & 2 together: GATOR WRANGLERS!
Manon: Aww gee...I should have guessed! OK, say your magic Halloween words, for some Halloween candy.
Gator kids #1 & 2 together: Trick-or-Eat!
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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A man bursts through the doors of the 'Okefenokee General Hospital Emergency Room'.
He is in unbearable pain, and bleeding profusely from multiple wounds.
It is Manon, the Gator Wrangler who works in the swamp.
He runs into the arms of the on-duty ER doctor, Dr. Groucho Marx.Manon: Dr. Marx, ya gotta help me please, a gator just savagely bit me in two different places!
Dr. Groucho Marx: Well Mr. Manon, I would advise you to stay away from those two places from now on.
Just pay the cashier on your way out.
Nurse...send in the next patient please!An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
commented
Manon had been saving up money for six months so that he could treat himself to the finest Five-Star restaurant in the Okefenokee swamp called 'The Green Gator'.
The day of Manon's reservation at 'The Green Gator,' Manon was happier than he could ever remember feeling in his entire life.
As Manon approached the front door of the restaurant, Manon saw a large sign and carefully read it.
After reading the posted sign, Manon almost started to cry, he immediately turned around and proceeded to slowly walk back to his shack in the swamp, without ever taking a look back at the restaurant that was his lifelong dream to one-day dine at.Question: What did the sign on 'The Green Gator' restaurant say?
Answer: NO SHIRT - NO SHOES - NO PANTS - NO UNDERWEAR - NO SERVICE!
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Question: What has two eyes, two arms, two hands, two legs, and two feet?
Answer: Manon's young new gator wrangler apprentice trainee.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Okefenokee Daily Times - Newspaper Interview
Reporter: Mr. Manon, you have worked here in the Okefenokee swamp for over forty years as a gator wrangler.
What would you say has been one of the benefits of your job?Manon: Well uh, everyone in the Okefenokee General Hospital Emergency Room knows me and they have a room that they dedicated to me with my name on it.
Reporter: And Mr. Manon, what would you say is one of the disadvantages of being a gator wrangler has been?
Manon: Well uh, my medical insurance no longer gives me volume discounts on stitches and blood-loss replacement.
Reporter: Thank you Mr. Manon, for sharing with our readers some fascinating insights about your job as a gator wrangler.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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In a small, dilapidated, old, run-down, termite ridden, mold covered, smelly, ugly lookin', without any indoor plumbing, an outhouse about 100 feet south, with no windows, shack, a mad scientist implements possibly his greatest and at the same time, his most hideous experiment he has ever dared to attempt.
The scientist is attempting to cross Manon the Okefenokee swamp gator wrangler, with a ferocious seven foot, two-hundred and forty-two pound gator to see what might happen.
The mad scientist throws the switch on his mechanical nightmare machine, an unbearably foul smoke fills up inside of the shack, lights of many colors dance around the room and form a strobe like effect filling the tiny make-shift laboratory with kind of a cool 60's vibe and feel. If only the mad scientist had put up some retro black light posters, lit some sandalwood incense, had a **** with some powerful THC infused...oh sorry, I got distracted.
Question: Well? Don't leave us hanging...how did the experiment end?
Answer: Huh? Oh yes...the mad scientist just got finished placing a 'WANTED - NEW GATOR WRANGLER' Ad on Craigslist a little while ago.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Master gator and Torgo gator just hanging out:
Master gator: Can you believe this Torgo, the Okefenokee City Council spending all of that money to put in a paved bike path right along the outside perimeter of the our swamp?
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: I mean...what the heck were they thinking when they did a stupid thing like that?
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: Look at it will you, now we have an endless parade of humans on bicycles, humans on roller skates, and humans on scooters traveling on this bike path next to our swamp every day and every night.
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: Don't keep saying "Yes Master" all of the time Torgo, what do you actually think about all of this?
Torgo Gator: Meals on Wheels?
Master gator: Exactly my friend. Oh look, there goes tonight's dinner entree on a skate-board right now.
Torgo gator: ...and I think I see dessert approaching on a bicycle about a block away.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Thanksgiving - With The Gator Family
The gator family were all seated at the dinner table when mama gator made a surprise announcement.
Mama gator: Attention...attention everyone. This year we are having Manon for dinner, so I want you all to be on your best behavior.
Cindy Lou gator: Awwwww gee mama, can't we just have turkey and mashed potatoes instead?
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Manon decided one day that he should replace his hook with an artificial hand. (Which was crazy, because his hook was the only attractive thing about him.)
Manon called a lot of prosthetic hand manufacturers and found that they were all outrageously expensive. (Yep! They all charged an arm and a leg for their services.)
Manon, gave his problem a lot of thought until he came up with a brilliant plan to solve his dilemma and save a lot-of-money too.Question: Well??? What did Manon do?
Answer: Manon went to a second-hand store. (Don't blame the writer for writing this, blame yourself for reading it ;)
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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The gator family were all eating dinner together when an embarrassed Mama gator looked up at her husband, handed him a toothpick and said:
Mama gator: "Honey, you've got someone stuck in your teeth."
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Two alligators crawl into a bar at the outskirts of the swamp, when one of them says:
Sammy gator: Bartender, bring us a couple of Gatorade's.
Larry gator: ...and this time make sure you include those cute little drink umbrellas!
Sammy gator: You know Larry, that gator wrangler named Manon is about the dumbest human that I have ever seen.
Larry gator: Really Sammy? Why do you say that?
Sammy gator: Well, a few days ago Manon was walking through the swamp, and he gets his foot caught in a gator trap and he can't get himself out.
Larry gator: Well gee Sammy, I don't see why that would make the poor guy dumb?
Sammy gator: Manon tries to get his foot out of the trap, but it's just no use, the trap is too strong, and Manon knows that if he doesn't free himself quickly, he will die.
Larry gator: OK, this is a terrible situation to be in, but that doesn't mean Manon's dumb, it was just a terrible accident.
Sammy Gator: After trying frantically to free himself Manon knows that there is nobody around for miles to help him, and the only way to escape the trap and certain death is for him to cut off his foot.
He pulls his six inch razor sharp knife out it's holster, that is attached to his belt and proceeds to cut off his foot.
Manon loudly screams at the unbearable pain, as blood gushes from his freshly cut-off limb.Larry gator: Gosh, I'm starting to feel really sorry for this guy, why do you have to keep calling him dumb?
Sammy gator: He cut off the WRONG foot!
Larry gator: Bartender! Another round of drinks please!
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Manon was walking in the swamp one afternoon when he saw a seven-foot, three-inch long, two-hundred sixty-five pound gator holding a fully loaded semi-automatic AK47 assault rifle and pointing it directly at him.
Q) What did Manon do next?
A) He ran straight towards the gator.
Q) Why in the heck did he do that?
A) He wanted to see if the gator had a permit to carry a weapon in the swamp.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-What's dumb?
Working as a gator wrangler every day, in the swamp, with man-eating alligators.
-What's dumber?
Patting all of the man-eating alligators on the head and saying: "Nice Doggie!"
-And even dumber still?
Creating a will and naming a gator as your sole beneficiary.
-And dumbest of all?
Telling the gator about the will!
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
commented
After a hard day's work, Manon returned to the run-down dilapidated shack that he called home.
He went to his kitchen that doubled as his dining room and made his dinner.
As he sat down to eat, there was a hoard of flies buzzing around him, and this made him angry, even though this had been an every day occurance for years.
Manon thought about this annoying problem for hours and decided to put a large pile of fresh gator poop on his bed. The flies were immediately drawn to the fresh gator poop in Manon's bedroom and away from the kitchen. "I am just so smart, I should have followed my Mammy's and Pappy's advice when I was young and become a quantum physicist instead of a gator wrangler, like they told me to do." Manon daydreamed.
Manon, then enjoyed his first quiet fly-less dinner in a very long time.Question: What would have been a much simpler and more effective solution for Manon to have pursued with his fly dilemma?
Answer: Manon should have let the flies land on his food and eat some, thus killing all of the flies within minutes. Problem solved.
And then he wouldn't have to deal with his newly created second problem of where he was going to sleep tonight.An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Q) What did Manon say was the most annoying thing about being a gator wrangler in the swamp?
A) When the gators ring your doorbell and run.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Q) What did Manon say was his favorite thing about working as a gator wrangler in the swamp?
A) His days off.
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A gang of teenage gators crashed Manon's surprise birthday party, that was being held for him at the swamp.
What game did the delinquent gators insist on everybody playing that abruptly ended Manon's party and made all the party guests quickly leave?Answer: 'Swallow the Leader'
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Sid and Nancy gator decided to take a long overdue vacation cruise to Florida.
After unpacking, Sid and Nancy gator went to the cruise ship's restaurant.
The waiter came over to them and said:Waiter: Good afternoon, would you both like to see a menu?
Sid gator: No thank-you, just bring us the passenger list.
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The gator family were all eating dinner together when Mama gator looked up at her son and harshly said:
Mama gator:" Wally! You know that it's not polite to talk with someone in your mouth!"
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Manon's friends all got together and held a surprise birthday party for Manon at the swamp.
Q) What party game did Manon refuse to play?
A) 'Pin the Tail on the Gator.'
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Q) Why did the twenty-something female gator crash the singles mixer being held at the Okefenokee Country Club?
A) She was looking for edible bachelors.
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Manon liked two things more than anything else in the whole world. Halloween and candy. Every year for Halloween he would dress up in a different costume that he made and go out 'Trick or Treating.'
This Halloween, Manon took an old wrinkled extra large white sheet and threw it over his head, for his costume. His first stop, was always old Mrs. Brown's house. Manon rang her doorbell, and when she answered, he yelled "Trick or Treat!"
For a moment Mrs. Brown was startled, and then she said:
(Mrs. Brown was startled because Manon was ringing her doorbell in March.)Mrs. Brown: "Oh my goodness Manon, are you dressed up as a scary ghost?"
Manon: "Nooooooo! Isn't it obvious that I'm supposed to be an 'unmade bed'?"
Manon: "I sure hope that you are going to give out those yummy 'gator shaped' chocolate candies again this year Mrs. Brown."
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Manon was walking through the swamp one afternoon when two large gators came out of nowhere and viciously attacked him.
The first gator savagely ripped off his left leg off his body, and the second gator brutally bit off his left arm leaving a blood spurting gaping hole where his arm used to be.What did Manon say to the horrified on-lookers to try and calm them down?
Manon: "Don't worry folks, I'm 'all right' now."
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-Famous Quotes-
"I never met a man I didn't like."
-Will Rogers"I never met a man I didn't like (to eat)."
-Wally the swamp gatorAn error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-Manon's Gator Jokes-
Manon: "Better laugh or I swear I'll kill you, just like I would kill any four legged gator that didn't laugh at my jokes!"
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Q) Why did the gator cross the road?
A) So he could get to me and bite my F*****G hand off!
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Q) What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a gator.
A) I don't know but the A*****E just successfully sued me for everything I own, in court last week!
(...and then he bit my F*****G hand off!)--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q) How many arms does a gator have?
A) One, and it was my good F*****G arm!
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Q) What's worse than a bloodthirsty giant gator chasing you?
A) TWO giant bloodthirsty gators chasing after me, and they're about to catch me as I write this with my only good F*****G hand!
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Q) Why do gators hate fast food.
A) Because I'm slow, fat and much tastier!
(...and they've already had my hand to eat as an F*****G appetizer!)------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q) Why do gators make bad pets?
A1) The minute you bring them home from the pet shop they F*****G eat you! And then they leave to go look for a new better tasting owner.
A2) You risk your life every time you change their litter box.
A3) When you take them out for a walk, all of your neighbors and their pets F*****G mysteriously disappear.
(...and I don't mean that they run away.)------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After fifty-three years of working as a gator wrangler in the swamps, Manon decided to retire and follow his life-long dream of becoming an actor in the theater.
Q) What was the only role that Manon was continuously typecast to play for the rest of his life?
A) "Captain Hook," in the play "Peter Pan."
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Q) What did the very polite female gator say when she was formally introduced to Manon?
A) "Pleased to eat you."
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Q) Why did Manon dress up in a clown costume whenever he worked in the swamp?
A) He felt that if the gators thought that he tasted funny, they wouldn't try to eat him.
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Q) Why did the female gator decide not to eat Manon, when she had a chance to?
A) She figured that having him made into a handbag with matching shoes, would make a bold fashion statement to all of the other envious female gators in the swamp.
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Q) Why is Manon considered the "perfect meal" to all of the swamp gators?
A) When you're finished eating him, you can use his hook as a toothpick.
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Manon had gypsy blood in him and was able to tell people's futures for beer money.
Q) What did Manon say to the gator as it was about to eat him?
A) "I knew this would happen!"
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Q) What did the swamp gators call the teenager who was so totally engrossed in texting in the morning, that she was oblivious of everything else?
A) Breakfast.
Q) What did the swamp gators call the woman in the afternoon, who stood immovably transfixed, as she watched an "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" episode on her iPad?
A) Lunch
Q) What did the swamp gators call the guy who was standing still, totally absorbed in watching YouTube videos on his smartphone in the evening?
A) Dinner
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Q) What did Manon think when he came face-to-face with a gator doing a Sudoku puzzle.
A) "Going to visit the bratwurst factory in Germany has always been on my bucket list, right now might be a really good time to do it!"
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Wallace Gator: "What do a Lay's potato chip and a human have in common?"
Fred Gator: "You can't eat just one."
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Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bP7PpOyZ6Ac
"I'll kill you gatorman, just like I would any four legged gator.
-Manon
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Teenage Monster movie review by filmmaker Ed Wood: Movie is slow moving, but classic good fun. Film would have greatly benefited by including some flying saucers in it, but that's just my opinion. Meteor effects crashing to Earth were breathtaking and so real that I fell out of my theater seat and hid. Why the filmmakers didn't use a fantastic opportunity to have resurrected corpses from Boot Hill rise up from the meteor fall-out and take over the Earth, I'll never know. Another movie opportunity that was wasted, was the movie makers could have had the Teenage Monster wearing an Angora sweater and his closet filled with gorgeous designer women's clothes and then they could have really shown his true teenage angst as the Teenage Monster was torn between killing and what to wear when he went out in the evening. He could be thinking, " Do I want to give into my homicidal urges and possibly tear or get blood on my gorgeous expensive new beige Angora sweater?" Now that's good drama!
I give this movie a 2 1/2 on the Bela Lugosi movie scale.An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Teenage Monster (beat sheet)
1) Superficial loving family dynamic established in first five minutes.
2) Cheesy fake looking meteor from outer space kills father, horribly mutates son, and ruins mother's plans for a nice quiet evening at home.
3) Son now is a hulking disfigured homicidal monster, who looks thirty years older, but he still loves his mommy.
4) Mom and teenage monster son continue to work the family gold mine until they finally strike it rich.
5) Sheriff thinks single mom is attractive, but now more importantly, she is filthy RICH! Mom is done grieving her meteor cremated husband, and is considering the handsome sheriff's marriage proposals. Mom keeps forgetting to tell anyone about her killer teenage monster son that she keeps hidden from view.
6) After a few murders,teenage monster son tries to kill local innocent good girl, but stuffs her into his closet when he hears his mother coming.
7) Mother finds local innocent good girl still alive in teenage monster son's closet, and buys her silence with a lot of money from her recently acquired gold mine bonanza.
Local innocent good girl is now also to be teenage monster son's new playmate and companion.
(Whatever you do, just don't call her a "babysitter"!)8) As expected, money corrupts local innocent good girl and makes her into a local greedy evil bad girl, who realizes that she can make hulking monster son do anything that she desires.
9) Newly corrupted evil bad girl has new best friend teenage monster son kill greedy, (soon to be ex) boyfriend who stole all of her earned "companion money." (NOT babysitter money!))
10) Newly corrupted evil bad girl decides that getting rid of mom's new sheriff boyfriend, some annoying townsfolk and even mom, who has way too much control over her son, out of the picture and will give her a great deal of power and money. She who control's the hulking teenage monster son, controls the WORLD!
11) Newly corrupted evil bad girl's corrupt plans go awry when teenage monster son draws the line at killing his mother.
Teenage monster son: "Killing people is good. Killing my mommy is not good."12) Teenage monster son doesn't like that evil bad girl had thrown his mommy under the bus and he is now really really MAD at her!
13) Teenage monster son carries bad evil girl to top of high mountain with mommy, sheriff, and townsfolk in hot pursuit.
14) Teenage monster son throws bad evil girl off cliff, sheriff shoots teenage monster son who says " Mommy I love you," before he goes over the cliff and on-to the rocks below to join his former babysitter. Mommy shouts "Charlie, I love you too son", and starts crying hysterically. Sheriff Bob looks at mommy, who he now knows has kept her homicidal killer son a secret from everyone, including him, all of these years and wonders if he should reconsider his courtship pursuits and maybe find a woman who may not be wealthy, but has a little less of the woo woo in the head stuff.
15) THE END (Sequel already in-the-works.)
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Manos' Surprise Visit (Part 2) ...continued
-Manos: So what..........................................
-Master: So what?...Is what???
-Manos: So what is new with you Master?
-Master: Not much, it's the weekend, I thought that I would work in my vegetable garden here and see if I could grow something besides weeds.
-Manos: I could help you with that. One zap from my finger could vanquish all weeds for many miles in all directions.
-Master: While I do appreciate your kind offer of help, Omnipotent Great God Manos, this is a project that I feel that I should complete or fail on my own. A personal challenge, if you will. But I am truly grateful for your more than generous offer.
-Manos: No problemo! Saaaay, where is...uh...you know...that..uh...goat-boy of yours?
-Master: Goat-boy??? Oh, you mean Torgo?
-Manos: Yes Torgo, he's usually hanging around you all of the time.
-Master: Torgo and my brides are down at the "Sacrificial Alter" sunbathing.
-Manos: "Sacrificial Alter"? You mean...MY "SACRIFICIAL ALTER"?
-Master: Yeah well, it's not being used right now, and they like to grab some rays whenever they have some time off.
(A muffled ring sound is heard...then silence...then the ringing sound again...followed by silence...more ringing yet again...and...)
-Manos: Hold on a sec will you Master, someone is calling me on my smartphone.
(Manos reaches inside his movie accurate Gandalf robe, pulls out his smartphone and says:)
-Manos: HELLO...This is Manos, the greatest God in the entire universe speaking.
Who is this? Who? Tina? Tina, I thought that I told you not to call me when I'm working.(Manos puts his hand over the microphone on his phone and whispers to Master.)
-Manos: It's Tina!
(Master just stares blankly at the scene unfolding before him.)
-Manos: Yes...yes...I'm down on Earth...What?...Yes , as a matter of fact, I am here talking with Master at this very moment. What...oh OK...I'll tell him..
(Manos looks over at Master and says:)
-Manos: Tina says to say hi to both you and Torgo and all of the brides, and gives you all her love with lots of hugs and kisses.
(Master tries to think of a clever answer in response to Tina's greeting, all the while remembering how she left both him and Togo on an invitation from the great God Manos, and went into the great beyond to live with him/it. Master reasons that, rather than say something that might be sarcastic or inappropriate and possibly anger Manos which would get the Master vaporized into a pile of white smoking ash. Master decides that not saying anything at this time would be the safest way to proceed at this awkward moment.)
-Manos: You would like me to what? Pick up a case of oil for that Harley of yours? All that Harley of yours does is leak oil, all over the entire universe. Everywhere I go, I find oil from that Harley of yours. Jupiter...Mars...you name it! NO! I didn't use my Uranus joke, you made it very clear to me that you didn't think it was very funny. You spend more time working on that trouble-prone motorcycle than you do with me. How about I buy you an electric bike? Ok...OK, sorry, don't get mad...OK...yes...of course I will pick up a case of motorcycle oil for you. Yes, I will bring it with me when I come home later. What's for dinner tonight? Pizza? Again?! OK, look, I have to go now, Master and I are discussing some very important God- type business, and it's rude to keep Master waiting. Yes...yes, uh yes (Manos whispers into his smartphone.) Yes I love you too baby-doll. Yes, uh huh..OK goodbye honey...uh huh..yes, goodbye. See you soon. Buh-buy.
(Manos hangs up his smartphone and says to Master:)
-Manos: Transvestites...you can't live with them...and you can't live without them. Am I right Master, or am I right?
(Master again gives his possible response some careful detailed thought, and again wisely decides not to answer.)
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Manos' Surprise Visit (Part 1)
On a dry dusty windswept piece of dirt sits a two bedroom one bathroom run-down home. If you stand back one-hundred feet and view this home from a northerly direction, you will see that the home is leaning in a somewhat downward direction, as if the Earth has grown tired of it residing on it's surface and has decided to slowly swallow the home up whole and rid itself of this irritating blight resting upon it forever.
To the side of this dilapidated leaning home, a tall figure in a dark robe tirelessly works the unforgiving soil nearby, a task that the figure does daily, in hopes that his work might one day yield something other than the weeds that grow profusely on what was supposed to be a vegetable garden plot.
As the hooded figure methodically hacks at the weeds, unnoticed by him, there is a small soundless increasing disturbance taking place high in the sky above him.The clouds seem to be moving as if guided by an unseen force. Swirling slowly in a counter-clockwise direction and then beginning to form into something undefined. An elephant? No! A unicorn? No! A little kitty-cat? Nope! The moving clouds seem to be changing into...a roundish ball. As time passes, the ball begins to look like...an orb. The orb begins to take shape as a sort of out-of-focus eye, which then changes to a detailed distinct giant closed eye, about one mile wide equally in every direction. Meanwhile this is all unnoticed by the tall hardworking hooded figure below. SUDDENLY! The eye begins to open, and it's iris is a parade of iridescent changing colors. First it's brown, now blue, now green, now yellow. This rapid display of ever changing colors grows in intensity and speed, until the iris changes to bright hypnotic red and the eye just stares at the hooded figure below it. The inhuman eye moves like a human eye would, it blinks, it move back and forth, but it never stops it's intense glowering stare at the oblivious figure below it. SUDDENLY! A lightning bolt emanates from the gigantic eyeball and strikes the Earth not five feet from the hooded figure, resulting in a large fiery explosion with a great deal of greenish-blue smoke surrounding it. The hooded figure jumps away and falls to the ground startled.The disheveled hooded figure stares at the slowly subsiding smoke and fire before him as it seems to be taking on a human shape. The hooded figure then says in a frightened manner:
-Master: OH! It's you Manos, you startled me for a moment.
-Manos, the most powerful entity in both the known and unknown universe, is too magnificent for any mere mortal to gaze upon, he or it is too intense for any human or any primitive primal animal brain no matter how large of small, to try and comprehend. The gaseous mass begins to assume a new and different form that pleases it and which will also allow it to communicate with any lowly Earthly subspecies that it might encounter. Manos usually likes to model it's Earthly form on a character from one of it's favorite Earthly movies. Today it has assumed the human form of Gandalf the Grey, from the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy, complete with movie accurate wooden staff with an enclosed glowing crystal encased at the top of the staff.
-Manos: Hey Master...what up? I was just out running some errands, and when I realized that Earth was just 40 million miles near me, and... I decided to drop-by and visit one of my favorite worshipers of all time, and see what's new.
-Master: And... I am so flattered that you would take some time from your ultra busy schedule to visit...ME!
...to be continued
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-A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo- Part 2
OK, OK LADIES...QUIET DOWN, QUIET DOWN PLEASE...COULD ALL OF THE MASTER'S BRIDES JUST TURN AROUND A COUPLE OF TIMES AND THEN LOOK UP TO THE HEAVENS FOR A MINUTE AND THEN RETURN TO THE SACRED FIRE CIRCLE?
VERY GOOD...VERY GOOD...THANK YOU LADIES.
-ManosOH MY MANOS, WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET THESE BRIDES ANYWAY MASTER?
THESE WOMEN LOOK LIKE THE'VE ALL BEEN HIT WITH THE UGLY STICK!
THESE WOMEN LOOK LIKE THEY ALL HOWL AT THE FULL MOON!
FROM THE LOOKS OF THESE WOMEN, I'D SAY THEY ALL MUST BE FABULOUS COOKS!
-ManosWell, we live in a pretty remote area, and it isn't easy finding...
-MasterWAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ABOUT THAT BIG TALL BLONDE SHYLY HIDING OVER THERE BEHIND THAT TREE?
YOU BETTER NOT BE HOLDING OUT ON ME MASTER!
YOU...THE BLONDE...BEHIND THE TREE, COME OUT HERE IN THE FIRELIGHT AND JOIN THE OTHER BRIDES SO THAT I MIGHT TAKE A LOOK AT YOU!
-ManosYou really don't want her.
Trust me?
-MasterSILENCE! NOT ANOTHER WORD!
WHY...SHE IS BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME SWEETHEART?
-ManosTina.
-TinaAND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING TINA?
-ManosUh...I am Master's bride.
-TinaYES I KNOW THAT, BUT WHAT ARE YOUR OUTSIDE INTERESTS OTHER THAN BEING MASTER'S BRIDE?
-ManosAutomotive repair, riding my Harley, red leather stilettos with eight inch heels, and wearing hot pants.
-TinaMY...MY HOW INTERESTING. I LOVE A GIRL WHO SHARES THE SAME INTERESTS AS ME.
MASTER...YOU NAUGHY BOY...YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS.
I CHOOSE TINA AS MY TWENTY YEAR SACRIFICIAL ANNIVERSARY GIFT.
-ManosUh you don't want her, she's a terrible cook.
-MasterShe never cleans her room, and curses like a sailor.
-TorgoShe sleeps late.
-MasterShe stays up all night and parties.
-TorgoSILENCE!
I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE!
-ManosIf I may be so bold, there is one other thing that I absolutely must share with you, before you take Tina away.
-MasterI SHALL ALLOW YOU TO SPEAK JUST THIS ONCE AND THEN NO MORE.
-ManosShe's a he!
-MasterWHAT!
-ManosShe's a him!
-TorgoJUST WHAT IS IT YOU TWO BONEHEADS ARE TRIING TO SAY?
-ManosShe's a guy!
Tina-is-a-man!
-Master and Torgo together.
'
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! SHE'S NOT ONLY BETTER LOOKING THAN ALL OF YOUR BRIDES PUT TOGETHER, SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN!
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF MASTER?
-ManosWell, we live in a pretty remote area, and it isn't easy finding...
-MasterSILENCE!
-ManosWELL I'LL TELL YOU BOTH WHAT! SINCE THIS IS MY ANNIVERSARY GIFT, AND EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE BOTH SUBSTANDARD BUT GENUINELY FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS, I SHALL ACCEPT TINA AS MY ANNIVERSARY GIFT AND NOT DESTROY YOU BOTH. BUT I DO EXPECT A SACRED VOW OF SILENCE CONCERNING THIS LITTLE MATTER.
WHAT SAY YOU TINA, ARE YOU WILLING JOIN ME IN THE HEAVENS AND WE'LL HAVE MASTER AND TORGO AS OUR DEVOTED WORSHIPERS?
-ManosWell...I suppose that a girl could do worse. And as much as I am fond of both Master and Torgo, this could be a girl's big chance to move up the social ladder of success.
Is your place pretty big Mr. Manos?
-TinaI OWN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE...IS THAT BIG ENOUGH?
-ManosI suppose that it's a good start.
Ok honey...wisk me away to your kingdom-in-the-sky.
-TinaSWEETHEART, YOU HAVE MADE ME THE HAPPIEST MANOS EVER.
SAY...IF WE HURRY WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET BACK IN TIME TO CATCH THE LAST PART OF "AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."
-Manos(A great and terrible wind like a cyclone from Hell whips up, there is a terrible thunderous roar like North Korea has launched all of their intercontinental ballistic missiles at the same time, a blinding white light brighter than 10,000 suns momentarily lights up the sky and then darkness followed by an eerie silence. Manos and Tina have left the building.)
Master and Torgo stare at each other wordlessly in stunned disbelief.
The loss of Tina is greater than either of them can comprehend.
Tonight was supposed to be Tina's turn to go and pick up the pre-ordered take-out pizzas for dinner.An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo- Part 1
The fire Torgo, add more wood to the fire.
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoThis has to be a giant roaring fire that reaches to the heavens, not a pitiful campfire for a cub scout weenie roast.
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoWe need a great fire to honor a great and powerful God.
We build this fire to honor the most wonderful, the most feared and omnipotent powerful God Manos.
Add more wood to the fire Torgo. MORE WOOD!
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoYes, that's it Torgo. The sacred fire is magnificent. Now we look upward to the sky and call out the name that only the chosen few can speak..
Manos...Manos...Oh great and powerful ruler of the seen and unseen, look down upon the fire that we have made for you, look down upon US your lowly humble servants, and receive our sacrifice to you and only you.
Be merciful, be just, and be generous with those who serve you and only you.Did that sound ok to you Torgo?
-MasterYes Master.
-Torgo(A deep low rumble comes from the heavens. The sound increases to deafening levels. Lightning flashes blue, now red, now green and keeps repeating it's endless colorful fight show. The winds pick up, blowing the huge bonfire every which way sending embers flying across the night sky. Master and Torgo prostrate themselves on the ground before the fire, not only to escape the growing violent turbulence, but to faithfully receive the most powerful and feared God Manos, whose wrath is great when angered, and whose benevolence is limitless to all of those who serve him with unquestioning obedience and devotion.)
WHO CALLS OUT TO MANOS, THE MOST POWERFUL GOD IN THE UNIVERSE!
-ManosIt is I Manos, the Master, and his faithful, but slow, servant man/goat Togo, who also thinks that your kinda cool too.
-MasterI WAS JUST ABOUT TO WATCH "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS'", WHY HAVE YOU CALLED UPON ME?
-ManosIt is that time of the month again Manos.
-MasterTHAT'S A LITTLE "TMI" MASTER!
-ManosThis is the time of the month that I and Torgo build a great fire and offer you a sacred sacrifice Manos.
Right Torgo?
-MasterYes Master.
-TorgoWhat do you think of the sacred bonfire Manos?
-MasterIT''S OK...I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB MYSELF WITH A SINGLE BOLT OF LIGHTING!
-ManosWe...being myself and Torgo, would like to say some sacred words, dance around the fire for a while and then offer you a really special sacrifice.
Tonight's sacrifice is special because it is our anniversary Manos. Both yours and ours.
It was twenty years ago on this date that both I and Torgo discovered your magnificence and offered ourselves up to you as your humble devotes for a lifetime of worship and allegiance.
Isn't that right Torgo?
-MasterDamn Skippy!
-TorgoOK...LETS CUT TO THE PART WHERE YOU GIVE ME THE GIFTS SO I CAN GET BACK TO MY SHOW!
-ManosTorgo made this sculpture in your likeness from twenty years of belly button lint that he has been collecting in anticipation of this special moment.
-Master...and I am sharing these scrumdiddlyisious smores that I will be cooking to perfection over the sacred bonfire, and will offer up to you first, before myself or Torgo has had any to eat.
-Master(YAWN)...WELL...CONSIDERING YOUR BUDGET, THIS IS ABOUT ALL I WOULD EXPECT FROM EITHER OF YOU.
BUT HOW ABOUT SOMETHING WITH A MORE DEEPER MEANING?
SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL VALUE? SOMETHING THAT MEANS MORE TO YOU THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD?
-ManosI think that he means me Master.
-TorgoNO I DON'T MEAN YOU TORGO, OR YOUR BELLY BUTTON LINT CREATIONS EITHER.
I THINK THAT MASTER SHOULD OFFER UP ONE OF HIS BRIDES TO ME AS A SACRIFICE.
THAT...WOULD REALLY IMPRESS ME!
-ManosWHAT? YOU MUST BE JOKING?
-MasterIN TWENTY YEARS, HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ME TO JOKE?
-ManosYou got a point there!
-MasterBRING OUT ALL OF YOUR MANY BRIDES MASTER!
LET ME GAZE UPON THEM AND THEN I WILL CHOOSE THE ONE THAT YOU WILL WILLINGLY OFFER UP TO ME AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT/SACRIFICE.
OKAAAAAY?
-Manos(Master and Torgo hurriedly go about the property seeking out and bringing all of Master's chosen brides that he loves both deeply and equally, to the great God Manos..
They bring the brides to the bonfire and wait for the omnipotent Manos to make a decision.)...cont
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MANOS' - Notes to Myself
Was just getting ready to destroy a small city in the Midwest when I noticed my Hands-of-Fate. "Geeez these hands look...terrible." I thought to myself. These are not the Hands-of Fate that instill fear and obedience, these are the hands of a dishwasher at a Denny's in Minnesota . I really must make an appointment with my manicurist Lisa at "Nail Envy." It's time to ditch my oh-so-boring Goth black nail color that is so...YESTERDAY, for a more up-to-date sacrificial blood red color, that is more complimentary to an omnipotent God like myself. Who knows, I might be able to attract a higher class of followers, instead of my only two current followers-to-date, Master and Torgo. What was I thinking when I hired those two?
In the meantime, I refuse to destroy any cities or go out in public until I get my Manos makeover.
MANOS HAS SPOKEN!- Manos (The terrible-looking (for now) Hands-of-Fate.)
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11/21/2019
3:30 a.m.Torgo's Diary
Dear diary, Master looks so handsome in the moonlight, his hideous demonic stare beckons me to come closer, but I dare not. When Master gets angry with me I get a secret thrill inside that makes me shiver with desire. My servant job to Master doesn't pay me money, it has no medical benefits, and doesn't even include a pension or a 401k plan, and yet I stay. Why? Last night, I accidently got too close to one of Master's brides, and Master flew into an uncontrolled rage. Could Master be jealous...of me?
Does Master secretly care...about me? Maybe there is some hope for a special...friendship with Master. Only time will tell.-Torgo
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"It is the will of Manos!"
Movie Trailer 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36yjsD8BbAE
Movie Trailer 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Sza97icUw
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The Astounding Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrXYjO10Exw
The Astounding "Right Said Fred" - "I'm Too ****": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5mtclwloEQ
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Joe Dante explains why "Sex Kittens Go To College" needs to be riffed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykyxiPZWyic
Ed Wood: YA SEE! This movie proves that I am not the world's worst movie director.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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"**********, American Version" Mamie Van Doren joins forces with "**********, Junior Grade" Tuesday Weld and "**********, French Version" Mijanou Bardot (Brigitte's sister) for this screwball campus comedy that prefigures both grindhouse flicks and family-friendly college capers. When Collins College's digital super-computer, Thinko (real-life Westinghouse robot Electro) picks Dr. Mathilda West (Van Doren) to head their science department, nobody expects the polymath savant to pack more curves than a rack full of test tubes. While the faculty struggles to pick their slack jaws up off the floor, a crew of gangsters puts the muscle on the 'bot, thanks to Thinko's knack for picking the ponies. Albert Zugsmith's exploitation classic comes to you in its full, unexpurgated glory, featuring some very blue electric dreams from Thinko! Also stars John Carradine, Martin Milner, Jackie Coogan and Conway Twitty and Vampira.
-WBSHOP.COMDilbert Thockmeyer
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31 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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The Invisible Invader was in it's final stage of implementing it's complete take-over of the entire Earth, when it unexpectedly ran into a very dear old friend from it's home planet, coming out of the local liquor store.
They immediately both ran to each other and tearfully embraced, and then they both said simultaneously:"Long time no see!"
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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The Invisible Invader had just one last thing left on his bucket list before he enslaved all of mankind and took control of the Earth. He always wanted an autograph from and his picture taken with his most favorite actor in the galaxy, William Shatner. The Invisible Invader went to the Star Trek Convention being held in Oregon He went in without paying for admission, (He could do this because he was invisible.) He cut to the front of a huge line of fans waiting to meet-n-greet William Shatner, (He could do this because he was invisible). When he entered into the bright, almost blinding light, which was William Shatner, the Invisible Invader said:
Invisible Invader: May I have your autograph Mr. Shatner?
William Shatner: Who said that? Is there somebody there? I don't see anyone?
Invisible Invader: I would like your autograph and a photo with you, if that is possible, please?
William Shatner: Did you pay the extra fifty-dollars in U.S. money for my autograph and the photo-op?
Invisible Invader: Yes sir, all paid up.
William Shatner: Well then, hand me your 8x10 glossy of me and tell me what you would like me to write.
Invisible Invader: Could you please write: Resistance is Futile, Death to All Earthling Scum, Affectionately Yours William Shatner.
William Shatner: There is an extra five-dollar fee for exceeding the autograph sentiment limit.
Invisible Invader: That's fine, it's worth it.
William Shatner: OK, now let's take our picture together, remember no touching. Smile for the cameraman.
I better not see my autographed picture for sale on E-bay next week! If I do, I want a cut of the money that you made on the sale.Invisible Invader: I shall be the envy of all of my friend on my planet.
Invisible Invader: Thank-you so much, and "Live Long and Prosper" Mr. Shatner.
William Shatner: Ha ha, well said my friend. How refreshing, that is the first time I have ever heard one of my fans ever say that to me.
The exit is to your left...NEXT!An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Q) Why did the Invisible Invader cross the road?
A) "He did?" " I never saw him do that!" "Are you sure that he crossed the road?"
"Maybe he was just standing by the road, but never actually crossed it." "Do you have any video evidence that he crossed the road?" " I heard that he was sitting a diner in Omaha the whole time of the alleged incident, and was nowhere near any roads."(Note: This is what happens when you ask an Invisible Invader lawyer any questions!)
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A) You know Qakilothorip, the whole time we were together, she acted like I wasn't there.
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Q) What is the Invisible Invader's favorite movie?A) The Invisible Man.
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Q) What did the Invisible Invader promise voters if they elected him to be President?A) He promised them that he would be transparent.
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Q) In the end, what was the reason that the voters didn't elect the Invisible Invader to be President?A) They saw right through him.
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Q) Why did the Invisible Invader file a discrimination lawsuit against the fast food restaurant?A) Every time that he tried to give his food order, he was completely ignored.
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Q) What is on the top of the Invisible Invader's bucket list?A) To one day have his portrait painted.
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Q) What was the second thing on the Invisible Invader's bucket list?A) To be a recognized actor, and be chased by the paparazzi.
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Q) How do you know if you have said something to upset an Invisible Invader?A) It becomes visibly agitated.
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The Invisible Invader was caught shoplifting at a 99 Cent Only Store. The police arrest, book, and throw the Invisible Invader into jail.Q) Why was the Invisible Invader angry with the police?
A) It hated the way it looked in it's mug shot photo.
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Q) How did the police know that the Invisible Invader was the one who committed the crime?A) It was positively identified by an eyewitness in a police lineup.
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Q) Why did the Invisible Invader dislike going out in public?A) It was often mistaken for Adam Sandler.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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So...like if the invaders are invisible...ummmm how do you even like know if you're being invaded?
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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17 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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A 'Brain Eater', a 'Zombie', and 'The Brain from Planet Arous' go into a bar and the bartender says:
Bartender: Welcome gentleman, what can I get for you?
Brain Eater: Well, I have lived inside the planet Earth for millions of years, and I would really like to attach myself to the back of your neck, and stick my two razor appendages into your brain to control you and conquer the Earth.
Zombie: Well, I would like to have your brain on a plate, with a side dish of fava beans, and some ketchup if you got it it.
Brain from Planet Arous: Well, I would like to take control of your brain and use it enslave all of mankind, if that's OK with you. Do you have any free pretzels?
Bartender: Gentleman, you must have mistakenly thought that this is one of those trendy hot new millennial restaurants, not a sleazy little dive bar that people go to consume large quantities of alcohol.
Bartender: Tell you what... for 'The Brain Eater" I will make you a brain martini, shaken not stirred, for 'Brain from Planet Arous', I will make you a 'Flaming Einstein' with some high grade rocket fuel from NASA that I keep here for my 'special customers', and for Zombie, I will make you a fantastically delicious brain Daiquiri topped with a little umbrella.
The total drink bill will be $47.50, not including what I hope will be a generous tip.
PAYABLE IN ADVANCE!.Brain Eater: I just emerged from under the Earth after millions of years, I don't have any...what do you call it...MONEY?
Brain from Planet Arous: On my planet Arous, our highly evolved society did away with monetary compensation thousands of years ago.
Zombie: Hey, I'd love to slap you some dough friend, but my unemployment checks stopped after I died over sixty-five years ago.
Bartender: Unhuh! Just as I thought. Alright, get out of my bar you deadbeats and don't come back until one-of-you has some cash, or a credit card, and absolutely NO CHECKS!
Brain Eater: Gee, what a highly emotional guy. I don't think that I shall ever patronize this bar again.
Zombie: Somehow this all makes me think that this should originally have been a very funny joke.
Brain from Planet Arous: From the guy that wrote this? Are you freeking kidding me? The guy that wrote this wouldn't know how to write a funny joke if it was already written down and all he had to do was copy it.
Brain Eater: Just our luck to get stuck with a clueless no-talent joke writer to write our dialog.
Brain from Planet Arous: Hey, let's go visit Rifftrax and have them write us some funny dialog? Maybe they can even re-write this bar joke and actually make it funny. And if they can't or won't...we can always have their brains, which is much more then we ever got from the brainless writer we have here.
Zombie: Great plan...let's go.
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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What do you mean that MST3K and now Rifftrax has never riffed the 1958 movie, 'The Brain Eaters' before? The poster artwork for this movie is really great and scary looking. But you would never use the words 'great' or 'scary' if you were to describe this movie. For some reason, probably because of that great poster, I always thought that this film was a cheesy graphic gore fest, but it is actually a very goofy, cheaply made, poorly written, mostly badly acted film that has Ed Nelson, and if you look hard, you might see Leonard Nimoy in a small role. The intentions are admirable, just really poorly executed. (God Bless You Ed Wood.) The filmmakers use narration in a number of places to try to move the film along and maybe fill in some plot holes, but it doesn't help. With all of that said, I really liked this film. There are so many opportunities in this movie for Rifftrax to riff on, it is almost like the filmmakers were able to see way into the future like Nostradamus could, and knew that they were making this movie to be riffed and enjoyed by the millions of Rifftrax fans who need a good laugh today more than ever.
This movie could become a Rifftrax classic, but then again, I say that about every movie that gets riffed.
What do I know? -
63 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Two teenage Giant Floating Brains, who although they were both gender neutral, they both self-identified as male. These teenage Giant Floating Brains were just floating around at the park one afternoon with nothing to do when one of them telepathically communicated:
(Oh yes, and they have chosen the names of Doug and Carl as their Earthly identities.)Doug: "My IQ is larger than yours is!"
Carl: "That may be true, but all of the teenage gender neutral, but self-identifying female Giant Floating Brains say that I have cutest and best looking cerebral cortex that they have ever seen."
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-A Giant Floating Brain floats into a bar and says:
GFB: Inferior human life-form, bring me a "Flaming Einstein!"
Bartender: Why do you Millennials always end up in my bar asking for those crazy drink names that nobody has ever heard of?
GFB: Do you wish for a mind transference of data ingredients for a "Flaming Einstein?"
Bartender: Huh?
GFB: Take a glass quart container, add 8.05 ounces of premium, not regular, unleaded gasoline. Now add 3.12 ounces of fresh cloves, followed by 4.11 ounces of vinegar, and 5.33 ounces of rubbing alcohol..........................
...logic dictates that I take over your brain, make my own drink, and then use your inferior brain to take over the world.-A short while later.
Bartender: Attention! All inferior human life-forms in this bar! Any homo sapiens ordering a "Flaming Einstein" will receive their drink on-the-house, for free. This is a limited time offer!
You have approximately twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds to order and enjoy your drinks before I take over your world!Have a nice day. (Or what's left of it!)
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-A Giant Floating Brain floats into a bar and says:GFB: Inferior human life-form, bring me a "Flaming Einstein."
In fact, make it a double.Bartender: Yes Sir...Ma'am...It....or whatever it is you are.
-The bartender has no noticeable reaction to the drink request or to the GFB that has placed the order. He proceeds to make a "Flaming Einstein" with all of the proper ingredients to exact perfection.
-He sets the "Flaming Einstein" on the bar and says:
Bartender: You know that looks so delicious, I think that will I make one for myself as well.
-The Giant Floating Brain is stunned, and this is noted by a slight reddening in it's cerebral cortex area.
-The bartender then makes himself a "Flaming Einstein" properly ignites it with a blowtorch, after which a volcanic like eruption spews forth from the glass, followed by a dazzling looking fireworks-like display, accompanied by four loud explosive retorts, and when this all subsides down to just a small reddish-blue flame on top of the glass, he drinks it all down in one quick gulp.
-The bartender hiccups twice with pink smoke coming out of his nose, and lets forth a deafening thunderous belch, accompanied by a whitish-blue wall of flame that incinerates three bar patrons sitting at a table ten feet away. Leaving nothing but smoldering ashes.
-The Giant Floating Brain cannot believe what it's synaptic receptors have transmitted to it.
Before it is able to communicate it's profound incredulous reaction, the bartender suddenly breaks out in loud spasmodic uproarious laughter accompanied by some residual smoke and flame from his mouth and nose and he then says:Bartender: Haw haw, Glozoorpee, if you could have only seen the noticeable redness and swelling of your cerebral cortex. This is just priceless. Hoo Hoo.
GFB: None of this computes to be logical?
Bartender: This is all easily explained Glozoorpee. Like you, I come from planet Arous also, my name is Bloozeneep, and I entered this bar about six months ago with the intention of taking over this inferior human bartender's mind and ruling this world.
GFB: Proceed, I require more data for comprehension?
Bartender/Bloozeneep: After I took over his mind, I consumed a few dozen "Flaming Einsteins", I then logically came to the conclusion that I could make some decent Earth money running this bar, and have as many "Flaming Einsteins" as I wished to consume.
I have become accomplished in mindless Earth chatter, and off-color Earth jokes.The bar patrons love me, and show their appreciation with generous tips. The still smoking ashes that you see in front of you were formally my best customers, and really good tippers. I already miss them.
I really need to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't gulp down a "Flaming Einstein", it gives me terrible gas.GFB: Bloozeneep, this is all so incredibly logical.
Bartender/Bloozeneep: I am actually having FUN. This is something that is not allowed on our planet Arous.
Bartender/Bloozeneep: Drink your drink Glozoorpee, your flame is beginning to fizzle out, and I will proceed to make us both a couple of more "Flaming Einsteins" to toast this completely logical occasion."
Life on planet Earth is good.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-John Agar's Giant Floating Brain Jokes-
John Agar: "Better laugh or the Giant Floating Brain will take control of your mind and use it to rule the world!"
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Q Why did the Giant Floating Brain cross the road?
A) So it could get to me, take control of my mind and use it to take over the world.
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Q) What do you get when you cross a Giant Floating Brain and a lawyer?
A) I don't know but it charged me a huge retainer fee, lost my case in court, and then it used my mind to take control of the judge and jury.
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Q) How many Giant Floating Brains does it take to change a light bulb?
A) One. First it takes control over my mind and forces ME to change the light bulb, and then it used ME to take over the world.
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Q) Why do Giant Floating Brains make bad pets?
A) Because they are difficult to potty train, and if you take them outside, they try to take control of the park.
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Q) Why did Giant Floating Brain hate Facebook?
A) Because GFB felt that Facebook was discriminatory in requiring that you needed a face to become a member, and Facebook has already taken over the world anyway.
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Q) What's worse than a Giant Floating Brain taking over your mind and using it to destroy the world?
A) Forgetting my wife's birthday last month.
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Q) Why did Giant Floating Brain refuse to see the movie "IT" in the movie theater?
A) Because it is a well known fact that Giant Floating Brains are afraid of clowns and are highly allergic to popcorn.
John's Fun Facts: "This is why you never saw any clowns in 'The Brain from Planet Arous' and you never saw me or any of the movie crew eating any popcorn, on the set."
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Years later John Agar commented: I don't know where they found that Giant Floating Brain (GFB), but GFB was not much of an actor. GFB was very difficult to work with. GFB kept forgetting it's lines, GFB never seemed serious about it's role and was always mugging for the camera. That's probably why GFB only did this one movie and you never heard from it again. Instead of taking over the world, I heard that GFB ended up working at a local burger joint in a small town in Iowa.
Many years later, I was told that GFB retired and was living in the Bronson Caves in Los Angeles.An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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I've always liked this old horror movie. An alien from another planet, that looks like a giant floating brain with glowing eyes, wants to take over the earth. It needs a human host to fulfill it's mission, John Agar unwillingly fits the bill. The brain (via John Agar) wastes no time in showing authorities how adept he is at mass destruction. This could have been accomplished much quicker and more thoroughly, if the brain had become a politician instead. A riffing of mass destruction is called for here.
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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30 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Yakamonovic the Yeti made a lot of money selling snow-cones to Eskimos.
Q) How was this possible?
A) Yakamonovic was a telemarketer.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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The Yeti family were all having dinner, when Mama Yeti placed a couple of snow-cones on her child's plate.
Q) What did Mama Yeti say to her child?
A) "Eat your vegetables before they get warm and melt!"
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Yanov the Yeti saw an old lady about to cross a very busy street, he ran over to her, so that he could help her cross safely.
Old Lady: "Oh my goodness, young man, thank-you so much for helping me cross that terrible busy street."
Yanov: "Snow problem!"
Old Lady: "Oh yes, there is just one other thing young man."
Yanov: "Yes Ma'am?"
Old Lady: "GET A HAIRCUT YA HIPPIE!"
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Yvette the twenty-something female Yeti was going to sign-up on a very popular singles dating site.
Q) What did Yvette discover about the dating site that made her abruptly decide not to sign-up?
A) The dating site didn't have a category for 'Snowmen.'
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Q) What was the nickname given to the Yeti who worked out in the gym every day?
A) 'The Abdominal Snowman.'
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-The BIG Book of Yeti Jokes-
Q) Why did the Yeti cross the road?
A) So he could hitchhike back to the Himalayas.
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Q) Why did the girl Yeti break off her relationship with her boyfriend?
A) He told her that she was abominable.
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Q) What do you get when you cross a Yeti with a gorilla?
A) Something very large, very hairy, and very smelly, that only eats frozen bananas.
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Q) Why was the Yeti kid in kindergarten, sent to the principals office?
A) He called someone a 'SMALLFOOT.'
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Q) How did the scientist come to the startling conclusion, that all Yetis' have evolved upside down?
A) Because all Yetis' noses run, and their feet smell.
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Q) What is the difference between Yetis and honest politicians?
A) Yetis actually exist.
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Yanov the Yeti, was the biggest Star Trek fan in the world. He watched Star Trek re-runs all day, every day in his Yeti cave. He spent all of his money on Star Trek memorabilia. Many times he didn't have any money leftover to buy food, or pay for rent. He attended Star Trek conventions all over the world. One day he had the opportunity to meet his forever idol William Shatner and get his autograph. Yanov waited over two hours in line for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Finally, Yanov approached his idol, with pen and paper in hand.
Q) What did William Shatner say to Yanov when they met?
A) "Get a haircut ya hippie!"
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Q) What did Adam Sandler say to the Yeti when he met him at a Hollywood party?
A) "Gee, I really wish that I was well-known like you...can I have your autograph?"
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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As of today 7-5-17 the mayor has declared Los Angeles a "Yeti-free zone." Outraged Yetis declared that they will fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.
The Yeti population problem in Los Angeles has risen to such huge numbers, that it has become even greater then the homeless problem.
The Mayor of L.A. has set up emergency funding to be funneled into Yeti sex-education, Yeti birth-control, and the controversial Yeti-dumping in Canada.Dilbert Thockmeyer
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57 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Martian invaders Princess Marcuzan (Marilyn Hanold, The Brain That Wouldn't Die) and Doctor Nadir (Lou Cutell, ***-Wee's Big Adventure) prepare an Earth invasion as NASA sends a rocket to Mars manned by humanoid android Colonel Frank Saunders. Mistaking the craft for a warhead, the aliens send the android back to Earth in a fiery explosion. With half his face burnt off and a damaged computer brain, Frank embarks on a murderous rampage throughout Puerto Rico.
The aliens invade beaches and pool parties, making off with full-figured bikini babes as breeding stock for their dying planet. Meanwhile, Frank's creator Adam Steele (James Karen, Superman Returns, The Return of the Living Dead), and his assistant race to stop Frank's rampage and halt the girls' abduction.
With Bruce Glover (Diamonds Are Forever) in a dual role as an alien invader and the Space Monster, along with a climactic raygun-firing superhumanoid battle between Frank and the beast, Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster clocks in as a Saturday matinee classic. It rivals Plan 9 From Outer Space for sheer head-turning amazement.
-Oldies.comDilbert Thockmeyer
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An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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I cannot believe that MST3K (both old and new versions) and Rifftrax has not yet riffed this movie. If there ever was a film daring anyone to riff it, this is that film. Rifftrax, if you don't riff this film, I bet that the new MST3K personnel are going to do it in the very near future. This movie does all of your work for you, all you have to do is make some occasional rude disgusting sounds in the background, you don't even have to say anything and the movie's bad dialog, terrible acting, goofy script, awful direction will do all of your riffing work for you. In other words, the laffs are already built-in, just show the film and the Haw Haws are guaranteed to follow.
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28 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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-Faceless Man's Jokes-
Q) What did the Faceless Man's boss say to him before he fired him?
A1) Let's face it, we just don't see eye-to-eye!
A2) I find it ironic that you of all people would be spending so much time on Facebook!
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The Faceless Man is a huge Star Trek Fan.
Q) What did William Shatner say to the Faceless Man, when he asked him for an autograph at the Star Trek convention?
A) "GET A FACE!"
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The Faceless Man graduated renowned acting coach Stella Adler's intensive Hollywood acting course as the best in her entire class.
Q) What did Ms. Adler say to him as she handed him his diploma?
A) "You have a face made for radio."
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Q) What is the biggest drawback of being The Faceless Man?
A) The facial recognition feature on your smartphone won't work.
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Q) When did The Faceless Man know that he had truly hit rock bottom?
A) When a total stranger approached him on the street and said: "Hey, aren't you Adam Sandler? Could I have your autograph?"
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Spoiler Alert: What's really scary about this movie is not that the guy doesn't have a face, but the outrageous property taxes he has to pay.
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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28 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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John Agar's Journal
First they stick me in "The Brain From Planet Arous" working with a no-talent loser giant floating brain who got paid more than I did.
Then I get stuck in "The Daughter of Dr. Jekyll" about a woman who is sweet and loving and then wants to murder you the next minute.
Which comes waaay too close to reflecting my personal home life.
Suddenly, I find myself feeling nostalgic about the times that I was making films with Larry "There's no time for that, we'll fix it in editing." Buchanan.
If my agent is reading this: YOU'RE FIRED!An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Overheard: Two U.S. senators talking during their lunch break.
Senator Jethro Bodine: Hey, I heared that yer datin that there beutiful Doctor Jekyll's daughter?
Senator Earnest T Bass: Heeyuk, you heared right. I guess dat good news travels fast in these parts.
Senator Jethro Bodine: So well uh what's she like?
Senator Earnest T Bass: Oh she great. One minute she so nice ta me, fixin me dinner, kissin on me, tellin me she want to marry me, and the nest minute she jumpin on me, threatin ta cut me inta little bitty pieces and then grind muh little bitty pieces into hamburger meat to make sum human frittatas
Senator Jethro Bodine: Well that there first part sounds pretty good, but that second part might take a bit a gettin used ta.
Senator Earnest T Bass: The frittata part? Heck, I don even knows what one of thems is.
Her bein all edecated, an bein a doctor's daughter, that's probably jest a nudder of city people's ways ah showin affection fer there men folk.. I'm kinda new to the dating seen, an believe it or not she muh first real live girlfriend, so I figger dat these here relations things might takes a bit a gittin used ta.
I never tol ya this Jethro, but I kinda like's 'em a little wild. Yeeehaa!Senator Jethro Bodine: I kinda figured dat bout ya Earnest. Hey! She gotta sister?
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4RVwKNmaX0
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Dr.Jekyll's daughter: I will now drink this potion, and you can watch as it changes me from a mild sweet woman into a hideous blood-thirsty maniac.
Politically incorrect man: Gee, and I just assumed that you were bi-polar!
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Sure sounds like a girl that I used to date, and now I find out that they made a movie about her. As the saying goes: You don't know what you got till it's gone.
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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380 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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If the Rifftrax Live Halloween Spookshow Spectacular is going to be done, it has to be very well planned.
In addition to doing this in a spookily decorated haunted theater, where monsters will interact with the audience. You should design an original Rifftrax spook show poster that could be postcard sized to hand out to the live theater audiences as souvenirs, and this also should be available as a standard size poster to purchase by Rifftrax fans everywhere.
You can find many poster design ideas, by looking at all of the many spookshow posters on the internet and Ebay.
To keep all of the many fright activities going smoothly a "Master of Scareremonies" should be used.
A great choice for this job would be an established horror host such as, Svengoolie, Elvira, or Count Gore de Vol.
Music and sound effects are requested to heighten the mood please?Target Date: 10/31/2020
Rifftrax, If you want this to happen this year, you have about ten months from now (12-2019) to plan and put together this Live Spookshow Extravaganza.
The clock is ticking...tick...tick...tick...tick...tick.
As the wise old hillbilly Clem Kadiddlehopper once said as he drove his jalopy off a cliff to see how long it would take to reach the bottom: "LET''S GET ER DONE!"The official working title should be: Rifftrax Live Spooktacular A-Go-Go
Below, is a link to YouTube to listen to "Spookshow Spectacular A-Go-Go," with 32 soundtracks that should get you in the spookshow mood. And it's just some good old-fashioned silly fun too.
This is available as a CD or a download for purchase too.Spookshow Spectacular A-Go-Go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZYEkRZ-KSU&list=OLAK5uy_lg1rhGEnaSld7rafdOayZB7CZcCe8rEr4&index=1
Spookshow Theater Trailers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J10HqvffkrU
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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34 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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NEVER! NEVER! NEVER trust a gator!
You turn your back on 'em, and...CHOMP...they bite your hand off.
Trust me, I know from experience!-Manon
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYG-JXvn810
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45 votesDilbert Thockmeyer
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Back in the 1980's I was attacked by the "Crab Monsters." TWO DIFFERENT TIMES. Luckily I was able to destroy them with chemical weapons that I picked up at my local drug store.
They look much larger in this movie than I remember them.
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7 votes
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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The only turkey around here is this Rifftrax suggestion, and there is nothing humorous about making fun of turkeys. Not now, not never. Respect for turkeys and all their yummy fixins is what should be promoted here, not guffaws, smirks, and crude jokes. How would you like it if we turkeys all got together and made fun of Rifftrax? HUH? Yeah we thought as much! The idea doesn't seem so funny anymore does it? DOES IT? Forget this stupid suggestion, and please, please, please, next Thanksgiving, just eat a salad OK?
Instead of having Turkey for dinner, invite a turkey over to have dinner with you. PEACE.United Turkeys For A Great Vegan America (R)
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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22 votes
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More questions for the comprehensive Rifftrax survey for this movie suggestion.
7) Adam Sandler cameo wearing a gorilla suit. (unbilled) YES ( ) NO ( ) Hard-to-tell. (X)
8) Gorilla wearing an Adam Sandler suit. YES ( ) NO ( ) It sure would improve this movie. (X)
9) Adam Sandler gets an Academy Award nomination as Best Actor for playing Lola the drag queen with a heart-of-gold, in the movie: "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, gets a Job as a Wedding Singer" YES ( ) NO ( ) It could happen! (X)An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Comprehensive movie survey to determine if movie is riffworthy.
1) Has obnoxious child actors who overact. YES (X) NO ( )
2) Crazy inventor aka MAD. YES (X) NO ( )
3) Very strange doctor aka MAD. YES (X) NO ( )
4) Mysterious spooky house aka HAUNTED. YES (X) NO ( )
5) Large man in a gorilla suit. YES (X) NO ( )
6) Adam Sandler cameo appearance. (unbilled) YES ( ) NO (X)Survey results are conclusive: This movie is 100% riffworthy.
Dilbert Thockmeyer
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134 votes
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Me: This MST3K riff is so old...
Audience: How old is it?
Me: This MST3K riff is so old that I had to play my DVD on my record player last night to watch it.
Audience: Groooooooan!
Me: I have not been able to watch this movie in it's entirety for over twenty years.
Audience: Why is that?
Me: Because I made a deal with myself that every time the name Rowsdower is said in "The Final Sacrifice", I have a shot of whiskey. I have never been able to make it past the first ten minutes of this movie.
Audience: Groooooooan! (Uproarious laughter)Me: But seriously folks, isn't it time to dust off this old MST3K classic, freshen it up with some new riffs, do it "live" to make it more intense, dust it off, clean out the old cobwebs and put it on display for the newer Rifftrax fans, not to mention the older ones who forget where they put their car keys every day and laugh at things five minutes after they happen......? ? ? ?
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.................................................................?? Uhhhhhhhh............................Ha Hah.Dilbert Thockmeyer
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25 votes
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Ranked #1 by J.D. Power in Customer Satisfaction - Most Admired Giant Blood-Sucking Mosquito Movie.
26 Years in-a-row.
An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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Drake is a corrupt and greedy developer who is illegally dumping toxic waste into the mines around the small town of Clear Sky, causing mosquitoes to mutate into giant beasts that attack and kill anything, including humans. A lawman of the town sheriff, Roy Boone, and his reunited love Sarah Crosby, must put a stop to both the pollution and the bugs. The body counts keep rising, which causes the locals to feel that they have to move out of the city. Crosby and environmental inspector Gordon Perry try to find the origin of the waste, but certain people try to prevent them for doing so due to Drake's evil deeds, which involves some hitmen.
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This movie has that small little town in the middle of nowhere, b movie, home made, old fashioned horror sort of feel to it that is perfect for riffing. Skeeter is also fun to enjoy as a stand alone film.
No state-of-the-art CGI, or dazzling special effects to be found here. Nope! None!An error occurred while saving the comment An error occurred while saving the comment Dilbert Thockmeyer
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" Sweetheart, this movie is the stuff that riffs are made of."
-Humphrey Bogart's lesser known brother Waldo.
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-Torgo's Diary
"BEST DAY EVER"
Friday 11/26/2021
5:39 A.M.
Today I was cleaning Manos' sacrificial alter, sweeping out the leftover hot spicy buffalo wings, old moldy french fries,rodent droppings, used sun tan oil bottles, adding fuel to the sacrificial Tiki torches, when something moving caught my eye. The movement was to my left, and as I moved my downward gaze in that direction, I could see two size 5 glossy black pointed toe pumps with 18" stiletto heels. I knew that this could not be Master, since he wears a size 12 glossy black pump. It is forbidden for me to gaze upon Master's wives, but uncontrollably, I found myself slowly looking upward from those two black pumps and I saw the most beautiful long slender beautiful shapely hairy legs. Again! I knew that is could not be Master as he shaves his legs. I could see the white chiffon see-thru nightie, those large white granny panties, and that white torpedo brassiere. Finally, I found myself looking at the most beautiful blue eyes that I had ever seen...and then...she winked at me...Torgo. I was startled beyond belief. I quickly turned my gaze downward. She walked about the sacrificial altar for a few minutes, not going in any particular direction, and then she dropped something,on the ground, she paused, and then she left. I couldn't even tell which one of Master's brides she was. All of this time I looked correctly downward. It was a good ten minutes before I found the courage to go over and see what the dropped object was. It turned out to be the most delicate soft white lacy handkerchief that I had ever seen. When I held it to my nose it strongly smelled like Master's "Old Spice" cologne. Why? I don't know.
Next to my teddy bear, my most favorite possession to have next to me now when I go to sleep at night on my lumpy straw bed. is that lacy white handkerchief and I sometimes imagine what it would be like to have a bride of my own someday.
This day shall go into my diary under the heading of: BEST DAY EVER!