The Alligator People
An experimental procedure derived from from alligators, saves a man's life, but there are...complications. Lon Chaney Jr. sporting a hook on one hand, overacts with such passion, that a scientific team of riffers is called for to find a cure for this movie.
Question: Why did the gator cross the road?
Answer: To get to the chicken standing on the other side and eat him.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To get away from the gator that had just crossed the road to eat him.
Question: Why did Manon cross the road?
Answer: Who knows and who cares as long as he's wearing pants!
Okefenokee General Hospital - Emergency Room
Manon, the gator wrangler, has been sitting in the ER for hours, waiting to see a doctor.
His left eye, partially seen underneath a bandage is swollen and black and blue, with multiple lacerations.
Finally, Manon's name is called by the nurse, to be seen.
Manon: I am so glad to see you Dr. Marx.
Dr. Groucho Marx: Yes Mr. Manon, what can I do for you today?
Manon: Well Dr. Marx, it's my eye, every day I get this unbelievable shooting pain, and it seems to be getting much worse
I'm afraid that if this continues, I might lose both my vision and my eye.
Dr. Groucho Marx: When does this intense eye pain occur Mr. Manon?
Manon: Every morning Dr. Marx, just like clockwork.
Dr. Groucho Marx: Uh huh, and do you drink coffee Mr. Manon?
Manon: I sure do, every day. But what...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you add cream and sugar to your coffee?
Manon: Well sure I do, but I don't...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you use a spoon to add your cream and sugar and then stir it in your coffee?
Manon: Well of course I do doc, doesn't everyone? Besides, what does any of this have to do with my eye prob...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you remove the spoon from the coffee, before you drink it?
Dr. Groucho Marx: Pay the cashier on your way out Mr. Manon.
Nurse, send in the next patient!
It is Halloween evening in the Okefenokee Swamp and Manon is sitting in his Halloween decorated shack waiting for kids to show up.
The doorbell rings, "My first customer," thinks Manon.
Manon opens the door and there are two young gators dressed in Halloween costumes standing at his front door.
Manon: Well hello, I see that you both came in costumes, what are you both supposed to be?
Gator kid #1: Guess?
Manon: Well uh, I would say from the amount of blood on you, graphic wounds, tattered clothes, and dead stares, that you are both dressed-up as zombies.
Gator kid #2: WRONG!
Manon: I give up then...what are you both dressed-up as?
Gator kids #1 & 2 together: GATOR WRANGLERS!
Manon: Aww gee...I should have guessed! OK, say your magic Halloween words, for some Halloween candy.
Gator kids #1 & 2 together: Trick-or-Eat!
A man bursts through the doors of the 'Okefenokee General Hospital Emergency Room'.
He is in unbearable pain, and bleeding profusely.
It is Manon, the Gator Wrangler from the swamp.
He runs into the arms of the on-duty ER doctor, Dr. Groucho Marx.
Manon: Dr. Marx, ya gotta help me please, a gator just savagely bit me in two different places!
Dr. Groucho Marx: Well Mr. Manon, I'd advise you to stay away from those two places from now on.
Just pay the cashier on your way out.
Manon had been saving up money for six months so that he could treat himself to the finest Five-Star restaurant in the Okefenokee swamp called 'The Green Gator'.
The day of Manon's reservation at 'The Green Gator,' Manon was happier than he could ever remember feeling in his entire life.
As Manon approached the front door of the restaurant, Manon saw a large sign and carefully read it.
After reading the posted sign, Manon almost started to cry, he immediately turned around and proceeded to slowly walk back to his shack in the swamp, without ever taking a look back at the restaurant that was his lifelong dream to one-day dine at.
Question: What did the sign on 'The Green Gator' restaurant say?
Answer: NO SHIRT - NO SHOES - NO PANTS - NO UNDERWEAR - NO SERVICE!
Question: What has two eyes, two arms, two hands, two legs, and two feet?
Answer: Manon's young new gator wrangler apprentice trainee.
Okefenokee Daily Times - Newspaper Interview
Reporter: Mr. Manon, you have worked here in the Okefenokee swamp for over forty years as a gator wrangler.
What would you say has been one of the benefits of your job?
Manon: Well uh, everyone in the Okefenokee General Hospital Emergency Room knows me and they have a room that they dedicated to me with my name on it.
Reporter: And Mr. Manon, what would you say is one of the disadvantages of being a gator wrangler has been?
Manon: Well uh, my medical insurance no longer gives me volume discounts on stitches and blood-loss replacement.
Reporter: Thank you Mr. Manon, for sharing with our readers some fascinating insights about your job as a gator wrangler.
In a small, dilapidated, old, run-down, termite ridden, mold covered, smelly, ugly lookin', without any indoor plumbing, an outhouse about 100 feet south, with no windows, shack, a mad scientist implements possibly his greatest and at the same time, his most hideous experiment he has ever dared to attempt.
The scientist is attempting to cross Manon the Okefenokee swamp gator wrangler, with a ferocious seven foot, two-hundred and forty-two pound gator to see what might happen.
The mad scientist throws the switch on his mechanical nightmare machine, an unbearably foul smoke fills up inside of the shack, lights of many colors dance around the room and form a strobe like effect filling the tiny make-shift laboratory with kind of a cool 60's vibe and feel. If only the mad scientist had put up some retro black light posters, lit some sandalwood incense, had a **** with some powerful THC infused...oh sorry, I got distracted.
Question: Well? Don't leave us hanging...how did the experiment end?
Answer: Huh? Oh yes...the mad scientist just got finished placing a 'WANTED - NEW GATOR WRANGLER' Ad on Craigslist a little while ago.
Master gator and Torgo gator just hanging out:
Master gator: Can you believe this Torgo, the Okefenokee City Council spending all of that money to put in a paved bike path right along the outside perimeter of the our swamp?
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: I mean...what the heck were they thinking when they did a stupid thing like that?
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: Look at it will you, now we have an endless parade of humans on bicycles, humans on roller skates, and humans on scooters traveling on this bike path next to our swamp every day and every night.
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: Don't keep saying "Yes Master" all of the time Torgo, what do you actually think about all of this?
Torgo Gator: Meals on Wheels?
Master gator: Exactly my friend. Oh look, there goes tonight's dinner entree on a skate-board right now.
Torgo gator: ...and I think I see dessert approaching on a bicycle about a block away.
Thanksgiving - With The Gator Family
The gator family were all seated at the dinner table when mama gator made a surprise announcement.
Mama gator: Attention...attention everyone. This year we are having Manon for dinner, so I want you all to be on your best behavior.
Cindy Lou gator: Awwwww gee mama, can't we just have turkey and mashed potatoes instead?
Manon decided one day that he should replace his hook with an artificial hand. (Which was crazy, because his hook was the only attractive thing about him.)
Manon called a lot of prosthetic hand manufacturers and found that they were all outrageously expensive. (Yep! They all charged an arm and a leg for their services.)
Manon, gave his problem a lot of thought until he came up with a brilliant plan to solve his dilemma and save a lot-of-money too.
Question: Well??? What did Manon do?
Answer: Manon went to a second-hand store. (Don't blame the writer for writing this, blame yourself for reading it ;)
The gator family were all eating dinner together when an embarrassed Mama gator looked up at her husband, handed him a toothpick and said:
Mama gator: "Honey, you've got someone stuck in your teeth."
Two alligators crawl into a bar at the outskirts of the swamp, when one of them says:
Sammy gator: Bartender, bring us a couple of Gatorade's.
Larry gator: ...and this time make sure you include those cute little drink umbrellas!
Sammy gator: You know Larry, that gator wrangler named Manon is about the dumbest human that I have ever seen.
Larry gator: Really Sammy? Why do you say that?
Sammy gator: Well, a few days ago Manon was walking through the swamp, and he gets his foot caught in a gator trap and he can't get himself out.
Larry gator: Well gee Sammy, I don't see why that would make the poor guy dumb?
Sammy gator: Manon tries to get his foot out of the trap, but it's just no use, the trap is too strong, and Manon knows that if he doesn't free himself quickly, he will die.
Larry gator: OK, this is a terrible situation to be in, but that doesn't mean Manon's dumb, it was just a terrible accident.
Sammy Gator: After trying frantically to free himself Manon knows that there is nobody around for miles to help him, and the only way to escape the trap and certain death is for him to cut off his foot.
He pulls his six inch razor sharp knife out it's holster, that is attached to his belt and proceeds to cut off his foot.
Manon loudly screams at the unbearable pain, as blood gushes from his freshly cut-off limb.
Larry gator: Gosh, I'm starting to feel really sorry for this guy, why do you have to keep calling him dumb?
Sammy gator: He cut off the WRONG foot!
Larry gator: Bartender! Another round of drinks please!
Manon was walking in the swamp one afternoon when he saw a seven-foot, three-inch long, two-hundred sixty-five pound gator holding a fully loaded semi-automatic AK47 assault rifle and pointing it directly at him.
Q) What did Manon do next?
A) He ran straight towards the gator.
Q) Why in the heck did he do that?
A) He wanted to see if the gator had a permit to carry a weapon in the swamp.
Working as a gator wrangler every day, in the swamp, with man-eating alligators.
Patting all of the man-eating alligators on the head and saying: "Nice Doggie!"
-And even dumber still?
Creating a will and naming a gator as your sole beneficiary.
-And dumbest of all?
Telling the gator about the will!
After a hard day's work, Manon returned to the run-down dilapidated shack that he called home.
He went to his kitchen that doubled as his dining room and made his dinner.
As he sat down to eat, there was a hoard of flies buzzing around him, and this made him angry, even though this had been an every day occurance for years.
Manon thought about this annoying problem for hours and decided to put a large pile of fresh gator poop on his bed. The flies were immediately drawn to the fresh gator poop in Manon's bedroom and away from the kitchen. "I am just so smart, I should have followed my Mammy's and Pappy's advice when I was young and become a quantum physicist instead of a gator wrangler, like they told me to do." Manon daydreamed.
Manon, then enjoyed his first quiet fly-less dinner in a very long time.
Question: What would have been a much simpler and more effective solution for Manon to have pursued with his fly dilemma?
Answer: Manon should have let the flies land on his food and eat some, thus killing all of the flies within minutes. Problem solved.
And then he wouldn't have to deal with his newly created second problem of where he was going to sleep tonight.
Q) What did Manon say was the most annoying thing about being a gator wrangler in the swamp?
A) When the gators ring your doorbell and run.
Q) What did Manon say was his favorite thing about working as a gator wrangler in the swamp?
A) His days off.
A gang of teenage gators crashed Manon's surprise birthday party, that was being held for him at the swamp.
What game did the delinquent gators insist on everybody playing that abruptly ended Manon's party and made all the party guests quickly leave?
Answer: 'Swallow the Leader'
Sid and Nancy gator decided to take a long overdue vacation cruise to Florida.
After unpacking, Sid and Nancy gator went to the cruise ship's restaurant.
The waiter came over to them and said:
Waiter: Good afternoon, would you both like to see a menu?
Sid gator: No thank-you, just bring us the passenger list.