The Alligator People
An experimental procedure derived from from alligators, saves a man's life, but there are...complications. Lon Chaney Jr. sporting a hook on one hand, overacts with such passion, that a scientific team of riffers is called for to find a cure for this movie.
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
It was 3:00 A.M. in the morning inside the old run-down dilapidated shack that Manon calls home. A very loud knocking is heard at his door, followed by more loud knocking. Manon angrily jumps out of bed and answers the door. Standing in the doorway is an alligator dressed in a suit, holding a writing pad and pen, looking straight at Manon. Before Manon can speak the alligator says:" What did you have for breakfast this morning?" Manon is caught off-guard, he thinks for a moment and replies: "Uh well I had my usual Lucky Charms cereal and two cups of coffee with some cream and sugar, but what are you..." Before Manon can finish his sentence, the alligator interrupts Manon and says: "What is your favorite television program?" A stunned Manon gives this question some thought and replies: "Well I enjoy America's Funniest Home Videos, but for real laughs, I usually watch the evening news...who are you and wha..." Again the alligator interrupts Manon and says: "What brand of underwear do you prefer?" Without hesitation Manon let's out a loud laugh and says: "HAH! I got you there, I don't wear any underwear, I go commando. Heeyuk yuk yuk. Now who are you and why are you here at my door at 3:00 A.M. asking me all of these crazy personal questions?" The alligator smiles and replies: "Isn't it obvious, I am an in-ves-t-gator!"
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
A very worried Manon hurriedly pulls his van up to the Okefenokee Veterinary Center where Dr. Schwartzman is on duty. Manon loads Gertrude the gator into the pet carrier and rushes her into the waiting room. Dr. Schwartzman sees the panic on Manon's face and has him bring Gertrude directly into his examination room right away. Manon and Dr. Schwartzman place Gertrude on the exam table and Dr. Schwartzman says to Manon:
Dr. Schwartzman: What seems to be wrong with this alligator Mr. Manon?
Manon: Awww Gertrude's been very sick. She won't eat, she hardly sleeps, she doesn't even like to come along with me when I go get fast food anymore.
Dr. Schwartzman: Uh huh. I see. Mr. Manon, first I am going to look deep inside Gertrude's mouth, so I'll need you to hold her mouth open, while I look way down to the back of her throat.
Manon: Anything you say Doc.
(With a lot of effort, Manon manages to get Gertrude's mouth open and securely holds it while Dr. Schwartzman spends the next few minutes thoroughly examining his patient with a lighted scope, after a while he says:)Dr. Schwartzman: Uh huh yes, everything looks OK to me Mr. Manon. Uh huh yes, everything looks OK to me Mr. Manon.
Manon: Hey Doc, I'm not hard of hearing, you didn't have to say it twice!
Dr. Schwartzman: I didn't! That was an echo.
Dr. Schwartzman: So...what actually seems to be wrong with Gertrude Mr. Manon.
Manon: Well Doc, Gertrude here thinks that she is a large piece of alligator luggage.
Dr. Schwartzman: WHAT?
Manon: Yeah Doc, I kid you not.
Dr. Schwartzman: And how long has Gertrude been having this...uh...problem Mr. Manon.
Manon: Gee Doc, I guess that it's been about two years now.
Dr. Schwartzman: OMG (Oh My Gator) Mr. Manon! Why on Earth did it take you so long before you brought her in to see me?
Manon: Well Doc..for the last two years it hasn't been that-much-of-a-problem since we were doing a lot of traveling together.
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
In an old forgotten out-of-the-way patch of dirt in the middle of swamp-land sits "The Okefenokee Saloon."
Inside of the saloon the patrons are gathered, laughing, singing, talking, but mostly drinking alcohol.
Manon, the swamp gator wrangler sits at the bar having a drink for the first time in a month after he was banned from the saloon for telling a really bad joke. This wasn't his first time being banned either. Bar patron Jake is sitting next to Manon, and says:Jake: It sure iz goot ta se y'all back at the saloon Manon, dis place just ain't the same widout ya.
(Manon doesn't say anything, he take a long swig of his micro-brewed "Green Gator Pale Ale.")
Jake: Yes sir Manon, we all sure did miss ya, but ya knows dat da bartender dislikes it when y'all causes a ruckus in here telling ye tall tales an terrible bad jokes.
Manon angrily turns to Jake and says:
Manon: What I said a month ago, wasn't a joke, I really am an amateur geneticist, and I did create a genetic freakazoid hybrid that is alive and living somewhere out there in the swamp. (Manon, holds up his arm, and shows Jake a hook, where his hand used to be.) How do you think that I got this? HUH? This is proof that I wasn't lying. (See the following bad joke after this bad joke for an explanation to this whole convoluted prologue.)
Jake: Awwwwwwwww go on Manon. Yer jest too much! (Jake drinks a shot of whiskey and pours himself another one.)
(Manon, takes another swig of his ale.)
(The door to "The Okefenokee Saloon" suddenly opens, a breathless man who is pale and profusely sweating enters the saloon and staggers to the bar clumsily seating himself next to Jake and Manon.)Old Clem can barley get out his words when he says: Bartender WHISKEY and leave da bottle.
Old Clem: None a y'alls wood believe wut I just saws and heards just fifteen minutes ago.
Jake: Clem y'all looks just awful, Take a minute, drink yer drink, an tell us wat happened.
(Old Clem drinks a shot of his whiskey, has another shot, and then drinks another shot before he speaks.)Old Clem: You boys are never gonna believe dis but, I wuz jest over by da swamp, an ya knows that there three-hundred fifty pound huge alley gator?
Well, he mooed at me, an real loud too. He just let out a big ole MOO. An then as I wuz starin at him in dizbelief he done mooed at me again. I swear that I heard dis.Jake: Better watch yourself Clem, or y'all will be the next person the bartender kicks outta here fer a month fer tellin tall tales, like he did last month wid ole Manon here.
Old Clem: But I swears dat I heard it, I swears it ta be true. An I weren't drinkin or smokin notin befores I heerd it. I swears.
Manon: Boys let me just tell y'all right now up front, that what old Clem here says is one-hundred percent true.
That there gator that you heard is " Swamp Johnny" and he's bi-lingual.Jake and Old Clem together: Bi.........waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
Manon: Swamp Johnny-the gator is bilingual, he speaks both cow and gator.
(Manon slowly gets off of his bar stool and leaves the saloon, knowing that it will be another month before he is allowed back inside again.)
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
It was a dark and stormy night and all of the locals were gathered at the "The Okefenokee Saloon."
It was the only bar around for seventy-six miles in the swamp-lands.
The regular local bar patrons were socializing and having a good time when suddenly the entrance door was violently thrust open.
Manon, the local gator wrangler entered and yelled:Manon: I DID IT! I DID IT!
Bar patron #1: What ya done Manon?
Manon: After years of unsuccessful experiments, I have finally achieved success.
Bar patron #3: Wat he talkin' bout?
Bar patron #6: By day Manon iz a gator wrangler, but after work he duz scientific experiments and stuff at hiz ole shack in by da swamp.
Manon: Ever since I purchased some plans on how to build a low-cost CRISPR genetic splicing machine from eBay, I have been doing genetic experiments at my home after work.
Bar patron #2: Oh dat real nice Manon, I never new a reel scientist before.
Bar patron #1: So why ya all so all fired up happy?
Manon: Because after years of trial and error, I have finally completed a successful splicing of two different species of animal DNA into one.
Bar patron #1: Unhuh, and wat iz it dat y'all spliced?
Manon: I was able to splice the DNA of one of our local swamp gators, with Lassie.
Bar patron #6: Oooookay, an wat duz y'all call this here creation.
Manon: I haven't come up with a name for IT yet, but here is a picture that I took of IT.
(Manon circulates a photograph of his creation.)(Bar patron #2 turns green, jumps up, runs to the bathroom and vomits. Bar patron #6 falls backward on the bar floor, runs to the bathroom and pukes. Bar patron #3 starts spinning around wildly, stops, runs to the bathroom and throws-up. Bar patron #1 groans, stares wild eyed into the crowd, vaults to the restroom ,hurls up all of his recently drunk alcoholic beverages.)
Bartender: Way to ruin a fun night at "The Okefenokee Saloon" Manon. Say... what does that there scientific creation of yours do?
Manon: Well, when I created it, it lunged at me, bit off my hand and then it ran for help.
Bartender: THAT'S IT MANON! YOU'RE BANNED FROM THIS BAR FOR A MONTH FOR TELLING THAT BAD JOKE! NOW GET OUTTA HERE!
Manon: I get no respect! No respect at all!
(Manon slowly gets off of his bar stool and leaves the saloon, knowing that it will be another month before he is allowed back inside again.)
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tsarstepan commented
Fanboy Flicks reviewed this one on his Youtube channel. Definitely could use a good riff treatment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJs7qEy4rPw -
Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Question: Why did the gator cross the road?
Answer: To get to the chicken standing on the other side and eat him.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To get away from the gator that had just crossed the road to eat him.
Question: Why did Manon cross the road?
Answer: Who knows and who cares as long as he's wearing pants!
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Okefenokee General Hospital - Emergency Room
Manon, the gator wrangler, has been sitting in the ER for hours, waiting to see a doctor.
His left eye, partially seen underneath a bandage is swollen and black and blue, with multiple lacerations.
Finally, Manon's name is called by the nurse, to be seen.Manon: I am so glad to see you Dr. Marx.
Dr. Groucho Marx: Yes Mr. Manon, what can I do for you today?
Manon: Well Dr. Marx, it's my eye, every day I get this unbelievable shooting pain, and it seems to be getting much worse
I'm afraid that if this continues, I might lose both my vision and my eye.Dr. Groucho Marx: When does this intense eye pain occur Mr. Manon?
Manon: Every morning Dr. Marx, just like clockwork.
Dr. Groucho Marx: Uh huh, and do you drink coffee Mr. Manon?
Manon: I sure do, every day. But what...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you add cream and sugar to your coffee?
Manon: Well sure I do, but I don't...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you use a spoon to add your cream and sugar and then stir it in your coffee?
Manon: Well of course I do doc, doesn't everyone? Besides, what does any of this have to do with my eye prob...
Dr. Groucho Marx: ...and Mr. Manon, do you remove the spoon from the coffee, before you drink it?
Manon: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
Dr. Groucho Marx: Pay the cashier on your way out Mr. Manon.
Nurse, send in the next patient! -
Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Okefenokee Swamp
Halloween
It is Halloween evening in the Okefenokee Swamp and Manon is sitting in his Halloween decorated shack waiting for kids to show up.
The doorbell rings, "My first customer," thinks Manon.
Manon opens the door and there are two young gators dressed in Halloween costumes standing at his front door.Manon: Well hello, I see that you both came in costumes, what are you both supposed to be?
Gator kid #1: Guess?
Manon: Well uh, I would say from the amount of blood on you, graphic wounds, tattered clothes, and dead stares, that you are both dressed-up as zombies.
Gator kid #2: WRONG!
Manon: I give up then...what are you both dressed-up as?
Gator kids #1 & 2 together: GATOR WRANGLERS!
Manon: Aww gee...I should have guessed! OK, say your magic Halloween words, for some Halloween candy.
Gator kids #1 & 2 together: Trick-or-Eat!
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
A man bursts through the doors of the 'Okefenokee General Hospital Emergency Room'.
He is in unbearable pain, and bleeding profusely from multiple wounds.
It is Manon, the Gator Wrangler who works in the swamp.
He runs into the arms of the on-duty ER doctor, Dr. Groucho Marx.Manon: Dr. Marx, ya gotta help me please, a gator just savagely bit me in two different places!
Dr. Groucho Marx: Well Mr. Manon, I would advise you to stay away from those two places from now on.
Just pay the cashier on your way out.
Nurse...send in the next patient please! -
Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Manon had been saving up money for six months so that he could treat himself to the finest Five-Star restaurant in the Okefenokee swamp called 'The Green Gator'.
The day of Manon's reservation at 'The Green Gator,' Manon was happier than he could ever remember feeling in his entire life.
As Manon approached the front door of the restaurant, Manon saw a large sign and carefully read it.
After reading the posted sign, Manon almost started to cry, he immediately turned around and proceeded to slowly walk back to his shack in the swamp, without ever taking a look back at the restaurant that was his lifelong dream to one-day dine at.Question: What did the sign on 'The Green Gator' restaurant say?
Answer: NO SHIRT - NO SHOES - NO PANTS - NO UNDERWEAR - NO SERVICE!
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Question: What has two eyes, two arms, two hands, two legs, and two feet?
Answer: Manon's young new gator wrangler apprentice trainee.
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Okefenokee Daily Times - Newspaper Interview
Reporter: Mr. Manon, you have worked here in the Okefenokee swamp for over forty years as a gator wrangler.
What would you say has been one of the benefits of your job?Manon: Well uh, everyone in the Okefenokee General Hospital Emergency Room knows me and they have a room that they dedicated to me with my name on it.
Reporter: And Mr. Manon, what would you say is one of the disadvantages of being a gator wrangler has been?
Manon: Well uh, my medical insurance no longer gives me volume discounts on stitches and blood-loss replacement.
Reporter: Thank you Mr. Manon, for sharing with our readers some fascinating insights about your job as a gator wrangler.
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
In a small, dilapidated, old, run-down, termite ridden, mold covered, smelly, ugly lookin', without any indoor plumbing, an outhouse about 100 feet south, with no windows, shack, a mad scientist implements possibly his greatest and at the same time, his most hideous experiment he has ever dared to attempt.
The scientist is attempting to cross Manon the Okefenokee swamp gator wrangler, with a ferocious seven foot, two-hundred and forty-two pound gator to see what might happen.
The mad scientist throws the switch on his mechanical nightmare machine, an unbearably foul smoke fills up inside of the shack, lights of many colors dance around the room and form a strobe like effect filling the tiny make-shift laboratory with kind of a cool 60's vibe and feel. If only the mad scientist had put up some retro black light posters, lit some sandalwood incense, had a **** with some powerful THC infused...oh sorry, I got distracted.
Question: Well? Don't leave us hanging...how did the experiment end?
Answer: Huh? Oh yes...the mad scientist just got finished placing a 'WANTED - NEW GATOR WRANGLER' Ad on Craigslist a little while ago.
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Master gator and Torgo gator just hanging out:
Master gator: Can you believe this Torgo, the Okefenokee City Council spending all of that money to put in a paved bike path right along the outside perimeter of the our swamp?
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: I mean...what the heck were they thinking when they did a stupid thing like that?
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: Look at it will you, now we have an endless parade of humans on bicycles, humans on roller skates, and humans on scooters traveling on this bike path next to our swamp every day and every night.
Torgo gator: Yes Master.
Master gator: Don't keep saying "Yes Master" all of the time Torgo, what do you actually think about all of this?
Torgo Gator: Meals on Wheels?
Master gator: Exactly my friend. Oh look, there goes tonight's dinner entree on a skate-board right now.
Torgo gator: ...and I think I see dessert approaching on a bicycle about a block away.
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Thanksgiving - With The Gator Family
The gator family were all seated at the dinner table when mama gator made a surprise announcement.
Mama gator: Attention...attention everyone. This year we are having Manon for dinner, so I want you all to be on your best behavior.
Cindy Lou gator: Awwwww gee mama, can't we just have turkey and mashed potatoes instead?
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Manon decided one day that he should replace his hook with an artificial hand. (Which was crazy, because his hook was the only attractive thing about him.)
Manon called a lot of prosthetic hand manufacturers and found that they were all outrageously expensive. (Yep! They all charged an arm and a leg for their services.)
Manon, gave his problem a lot of thought until he came up with a brilliant plan to solve his dilemma and save a lot-of-money too.Question: Well??? What did Manon do?
Answer: Manon went to a second-hand store. (Don't blame the writer for writing this, blame yourself for reading it ;)
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
The gator family were all eating dinner together when an embarrassed Mama gator looked up at her husband, handed him a toothpick and said:
Mama gator: "Honey, you've got someone stuck in your teeth."
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Two alligators crawl into a bar at the outskirts of the swamp, when one of them says:
Sammy gator: Bartender, bring us a couple of Gatorade's.
Larry gator: ...and this time make sure you include those cute little drink umbrellas!
Sammy gator: You know Larry, that gator wrangler named Manon is about the dumbest human that I have ever seen.
Larry gator: Really Sammy? Why do you say that?
Sammy gator: Well, a few days ago Manon was walking through the swamp, and he gets his foot caught in a gator trap and he can't get himself out.
Larry gator: Well gee Sammy, I don't see why that would make the poor guy dumb?
Sammy gator: Manon tries to get his foot out of the trap, but it's just no use, the trap is too strong, and Manon knows that if he doesn't free himself quickly, he will die.
Larry gator: OK, this is a terrible situation to be in, but that doesn't mean Manon's dumb, it was just a terrible accident.
Sammy Gator: After trying frantically to free himself Manon knows that there is nobody around for miles to help him, and the only way to escape the trap and certain death is for him to cut off his foot.
He pulls his six inch razor sharp knife out it's holster, that is attached to his belt and proceeds to cut off his foot.
Manon loudly screams at the unbearable pain, as blood gushes from his freshly cut-off limb.Larry gator: Gosh, I'm starting to feel really sorry for this guy, why do you have to keep calling him dumb?
Sammy gator: He cut off the WRONG foot!
Larry gator: Bartender! Another round of drinks please!
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
Manon was walking in the swamp one afternoon when he saw a seven-foot, three-inch long, two-hundred sixty-five pound gator holding a fully loaded semi-automatic AK47 assault rifle and pointing it directly at him.
Q) What did Manon do next?
A) He ran straight towards the gator.
Q) Why in the heck did he do that?
A) He wanted to see if the gator had a permit to carry a weapon in the swamp.
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Dilbert Thockmeyer commented
-What's dumb?
Working as a gator wrangler every day, in the swamp, with man-eating alligators.
-What's dumber?
Patting all of the man-eating alligators on the head and saying: "Nice Doggie!"
-And even dumber still?
Creating a will and naming a gator as your sole beneficiary.
-And dumbest of all?
Telling the gator about the will!