Manos' Surprise Visit (Part 2) ...continued

-Manos: So what..........................................

-Master: So what?...Is what???

-Manos: So what is new with you Master?

-Master: Not much, it's the weekend, I thought that I would work in my vegetable garden here and see if I could grow something besides weeds.

-Manos: I could help you with that. One zap from my finger could vanquish all weeds for many miles in all directions.

-Master: While I do appreciate your kind offer of help, Omnipotent Great God Manos, this is a project that I feel that I should complete or fail on my own. A personal challenge, if you will. But I am truly grateful for your more than generous offer.

-Manos: No problemo! Saaaay, where is...uh...you know...that..uh...goat-boy of yours?

-Master: Goat-boy??? Oh, you mean Torgo?

-Manos: Yes Torgo, he's usually hanging around you all of the time.

-Master: Torgo and my brides are down at the "Sacrificial Alter" sunbathing.

-Manos: "Sacrificial Alter"? You mean...MY "SACRIFICIAL ALTER"?

-Master: Yeah well, it's not being used right now, and they like to grab some rays whenever they have some time off.

(A muffled ring sound is heard...then silence...then the ringing sound again...followed by silence...more ringing yet again...and...)

-Manos: Hold on a sec will you Master, someone is calling me on my smartphone.

(Manos reaches inside his movie accurate Gandalf robe, pulls out his smartphone and says:)

-Manos: HELLO...This is Manos, the greatest God in the entire universe speaking.
Who is this? Who? Tina? Tina, I thought that I told you not to call me when I'm working.

(Manos puts his hand over the microphone on his phone and whispers to Master.)

-Manos: It's Tina!

(Master just stares blankly at the scene unfolding before him.)

-Manos: Yes...yes...I'm down on Earth...What?...Yes , as a matter of fact, I am here talking with Master at this very moment. What...oh OK...I'll tell him..

(Manos looks over at Master and says:)

-Manos: Tina says to say hi to both you and Torgo and all of the brides, and gives you all her love with lots of hugs and kisses.

(Master tries to think of a clever answer in response to Tina's greeting, all the while remembering how she left both him and Togo on an invitation from the great God Manos, and went into the great beyond to live with him/it. Master reasons that, rather than say something that might be sarcastic or inappropriate and possibly anger Manos which would get the Master vaporized into a pile of white smoking ash. Master decides that not saying anything at this time would be the safest way to proceed at this awkward moment.)

-Manos: You would like me to what? Pick up a case of oil for that Harley of yours? All that Harley of yours does is leak oil, all over the entire universe. Everywhere I go, I find oil from that Harley of yours. Jupiter...Mars...you name it! NO! I didn't use my Uranus joke, you made it very clear to me that you didn't think it was very funny. You spend more time working on that trouble-prone motorcycle than you do with me. How about I buy you an electric bike? Ok...OK, sorry, don't get mad...OK...yes...of course I will pick up a case of motorcycle oil for you. Yes, I will bring it with me when I come home later. What's for dinner tonight? Pizza? Again?! OK, look, I have to go now, Master and I are discussing some very important God- type business, and it's rude to keep Master waiting. Yes...yes, uh yes (Manos whispers into his smartphone.) Yes I love you too baby-doll. Yes, uh huh..OK goodbye honey...uh huh..yes, goodbye. See you soon. Buh-buy.

(Manos hangs up his smartphone and says to Master:)

-Manos: Transvestites...you can't live with them...and you can't live without them. Am I right Master, or am I right?

(Master again gives his possible response some careful detailed thought, and again wisely decides not to answer.)

Manos' Surprise Visit (Part 1)

On a dry dusty windswept piece of dirt sits a two bedroom one bathroom run-down home. If you stand back one-hundred feet and view this home from a northerly direction, you will see that the home is leaning in a somewhat downward direction, as if the Earth has grown tired of it residing on it's surface and has decided to slowly swallow the home up whole and rid itself of this irritating blight resting upon it forever.

To the side of this dilapidated leaning home, a tall figure in a dark robe tirelessly works the unforgiving soil nearby, a task that the figure does daily, in hopes that his work might one day yield something other than the weeds that grow profusely on what was supposed to be a vegetable garden plot.
As the hooded figure methodically hacks at the weeds, unnoticed by him, there is a small soundless increasing disturbance taking place high in the sky above him.

The clouds seem to be moving as if guided by an unseen force. Swirling slowly in a counter-clockwise direction and then beginning to form into something undefined. An elephant? No! A unicorn? No! A little kitty-cat? Nope! The moving clouds seem to be changing into...a roundish ball. As time passes, the ball begins to look like...an orb. The orb begins to take shape as a sort of out-of-focus eye, which then changes to a detailed distinct giant closed eye, about one mile wide equally in every direction. Meanwhile this is all unnoticed by the tall hardworking hooded figure below. SUDDENLY! The eye begins to open, and it's iris is a parade of iridescent changing colors. First it's brown, now blue, now green, now yellow. This rapid display of ever changing colors grows in intensity and speed, until the iris changes to bright hypnotic red and the eye just stares at the hooded figure below it. The inhuman eye moves like a human eye would, it blinks, it move back and forth, but it never stops it's intense glowering stare at the oblivious figure below it. SUDDENLY! A lightning bolt emanates from the gigantic eyeball and strikes the Earth not five feet from the hooded figure, resulting in a large fiery explosion with a great deal of greenish-blue smoke surrounding it. The hooded figure jumps away and falls to the ground startled.The disheveled hooded figure stares at the slowly subsiding smoke and fire before him as it seems to be taking on a human shape. The hooded figure then says in a frightened manner:

-Master: OH! It's you Manos, you startled me for a moment.

-Manos, the most powerful entity in both the known and unknown universe, is too magnificent for any mere mortal to gaze upon, he or it is too intense for any human or any primitive primal animal brain no matter how large of small, to try and comprehend. The gaseous mass begins to assume a new and different form that pleases it and which will also allow it to communicate with any lowly Earthly subspecies that it might encounter. Manos usually likes to model it's Earthly form on a character from one of it's favorite Earthly movies. Today it has assumed the human form of Gandalf the Grey, from the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy, complete with movie accurate wooden staff with an enclosed glowing crystal encased at the top of the staff.

-Manos: Hey Master...what up? I was just out running some errands, and when I realized that Earth was just 40 million miles near me, and... I decided to drop-by and visit one of my favorite worshipers of all time, and see what's new.

-Master: And... I am so flattered that you would take some time from your ultra busy schedule to visit...ME!

...to be continued

Manos: The Rise of Torgo. I happened upon this while browsing for something to watch late one night and like a cat at the bottom of a well, curiosity got me. This pre-quel does not disappoint. It contains all of the inexplicable nonsense, 3rd grader style acting, baffling camera (or flip phone) work, and general incoherence one would expect from anything associated with the god of primal darkness. We are provided with loads of exposition as this film answers many of the questions the original left us asking- Who was Torgo's father? How did the guy who spends his time just laying on the ground become the master? What's it like to have weirdass twin grandmas? We also get answers to questions nobody asked- Is manos a middle aged aunt in a Monty Python style in-the-sky god hole? Do the master and his coven have colorful glowing mood eyes? Are the deserts of Texas heavily wooded? So we have all this along with scorching hot makeout scenes, intense action and a soundtrack that leaves you wanting more...(ha) i sincerely believe this film is riffworthy. Big time.

ps.. dude.

-A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo- Part 2

OK, OK LADIES...QUIET DOWN, QUIET DOWN PLEASE...COULD ALL OF THE MASTER'S BRIDES JUST TURN AROUND A COUPLE OF TIMES AND THEN LOOK UP TO THE HEAVENS FOR A MINUTE AND THEN RETURN TO THE SACRED FIRE CIRCLE?
VERY GOOD...VERY GOOD...THANK YOU LADIES.
-Manos

OH MY MANOS, WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET THESE BRIDES ANYWAY MASTER?
THESE WOMEN LOOK LIKE THE'VE ALL BEEN HIT WITH THE UGLY STICK!
THESE WOMEN LOOK LIKE THEY ALL HOWL AT THE FULL MOON!
FROM THE LOOKS OF THESE WOMEN, I'D SAY THEY ALL MUST BE FABULOUS COOKS!
-Manos

Well, we live in a pretty remote area, and it isn't easy finding...
-Master

WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ABOUT THAT BIG TALL BLONDE SHYLY HIDING OVER THERE BEHIND THAT TREE?
YOU BETTER NOT BE HOLDING OUT ON ME MASTER!
YOU...THE BLONDE...BEHIND THE TREE, COME OUT HERE IN THE FIRELIGHT AND JOIN THE OTHER BRIDES SO THAT I MIGHT TAKE A LOOK AT YOU!
-Manos

You really don't want her.
Trust me?
-Master

SILENCE! NOT ANOTHER WORD!
WHY...SHE IS BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME SWEETHEART?
-Manos

Tina.
-Tina

AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING TINA?
-Manos

Uh...I am Master's bride.
-Tina

YES I KNOW THAT, BUT WHAT ARE YOUR OUTSIDE INTERESTS OTHER THAN BEING MASTER'S BRIDE?
-Manos

Automotive repair, riding my Harley, red leather stilettos with eight inch heels, and wearing hot pants.
-Tina

MY...MY HOW INTERESTING. I LOVE A GIRL WHO SHARES THE SAME INTERESTS AS ME.
MASTER...YOU NAUGHY BOY...YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS.
I CHOOSE TINA AS MY TWENTY YEAR SACRIFICIAL ANNIVERSARY GIFT.
-Manos

Uh you don't want her, she's a terrible cook.
-Master

She never cleans her room, and curses like a sailor.
-Torgo

She sleeps late.
-Master

She stays up all night and parties.
-Torgo

SILENCE!
I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE!
-Manos

If I may be so bold, there is one other thing that I absolutely must share with you, before you take Tina away.
-Master

I SHALL ALLOW YOU TO SPEAK JUST THIS ONCE AND THEN NO MORE.
-Manos

She's a he!
-Master

WHAT!
-Manos

She's a him!
-Torgo

JUST WHAT IS IT YOU TWO BONEHEADS ARE TRIING TO SAY?
-Manos

She's a guy!
Tina-is-a-man!
-Master and Torgo together.
'
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! SHE'S NOT ONLY BETTER LOOKING THAN ALL OF YOUR BRIDES PUT TOGETHER, SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN!
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF MASTER?
-Manos

Well, we live in a pretty remote area, and it isn't easy finding...
-Master

SILENCE!
-Manos

WELL I'LL TELL YOU BOTH WHAT! SINCE THIS IS MY ANNIVERSARY GIFT, AND EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE BOTH SUBSTANDARD BUT GENUINELY FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS, I SHALL ACCEPT TINA AS MY ANNIVERSARY GIFT AND NOT DESTROY YOU BOTH. BUT I DO EXPECT A SACRED VOW OF SILENCE CONCERNING THIS LITTLE MATTER.
WHAT SAY YOU TINA, ARE YOU WILLING JOIN ME IN THE HEAVENS AND WE'LL HAVE MASTER AND TORGO AS OUR DEVOTED WORSHIPERS?
-Manos

Well...I suppose that a girl could do worse. And as much as I am fond of both Master and Torgo, this could be a girl's big chance to move up the social ladder of success.
Is your place pretty big Mr. Manos?
-Tina

I OWN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE...IS THAT BIG ENOUGH?
-Manos

I suppose that it's a good start.
Ok honey...wisk me away to your kingdom-in-the-sky.
-Tina

SWEETHEART, YOU HAVE MADE ME THE HAPPIEST MANOS EVER.
SAY...IF WE HURRY WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET BACK IN TIME TO CATCH THE LAST PART OF "AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."
-Manos

(A great and terrible wind like a cyclone from Hell whips up, there is a terrible thunderous roar like North Korea has launched all of their intercontinental ballistic missiles at the same time, a blinding white light brighter than 10,000 suns momentarily lights up the sky and then darkness followed by an eerie silence. Manos and Tina have left the building.)

Master and Torgo stare at each other wordlessly in stunned disbelief.
The loss of Tina is greater than either of them can comprehend.
Tonight was supposed to be Tina's turn to go and pick up the pre-ordered take-out pizzas for dinner.

-A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo- Part 1

The fire Torgo, add more wood to the fire.
-Master

Yes Master.
-Torgo

This has to be a giant roaring fire that reaches to the heavens, not a pitiful campfire for a cub scout weenie roast.
-Master

Yes Master.
-Torgo

We need a great fire to honor a great and powerful God.
We build this fire to honor the most wonderful, the most feared and omnipotent powerful God Manos.
Add more wood to the fire Torgo. MORE WOOD!
-Master

Yes Master.
-Torgo

Yes, that's it Torgo. The sacred fire is magnificent. Now we look upward to the sky and call out the name that only the chosen few can speak..

Manos...Manos...Oh great and powerful ruler of the seen and unseen, look down upon the fire that we have made for you, look down upon US your lowly humble servants, and receive our sacrifice to you and only you.
Be merciful, be just, and be generous with those who serve you and only you.

Did that sound ok to you Torgo?
-Master

Yes Master.
-Torgo

(A deep low rumble comes from the heavens. The sound increases to deafening levels. Lightning flashes blue, now red, now green and keeps repeating it's endless colorful fight show. The winds pick up, blowing the huge bonfire every which way sending embers flying across the night sky. Master and Torgo prostrate themselves on the ground before the fire, not only to escape the growing violent turbulence, but to faithfully receive the most powerful and feared God Manos, whose wrath is great when angered, and whose benevolence is limitless to all of those who serve him with unquestioning obedience and devotion.)

WHO CALLS OUT TO MANOS, THE MOST POWERFUL GOD IN THE UNIVERSE!
-Manos

It is I Manos, the Master, and his faithful, but slow, servant man/goat Togo, who also thinks that your kinda cool too.
-Master

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO WATCH "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS'", WHY HAVE YOU CALLED UPON ME?
-Manos

It is that time of the month again Manos.
-Master

THAT'S A LITTLE "TMI" MASTER!
-Manos

This is the time of the month that I and Torgo build a great fire and offer you a sacred sacrifice Manos.
Right Torgo?
-Master

Yes Master.
-Torgo

What do you think of the sacred bonfire Manos?
-Master

IT''S OK...I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB MYSELF WITH A SINGLE BOLT OF LIGHTING!
-Manos

We...being myself and Torgo, would like to say some sacred words, dance around the fire for a while and then offer you a really special sacrifice.
Tonight's sacrifice is special because it is our anniversary Manos. Both yours and ours.
It was twenty years ago on this date that both I and Torgo discovered your magnificence and offered ourselves up to you as your humble devotes for a lifetime of worship and allegiance.
Isn't that right Torgo?
-Master

Damn Skippy!
-Torgo

OK...LETS CUT TO THE PART WHERE YOU GIVE ME THE GIFTS SO I CAN GET BACK TO MY SHOW!
-Manos

Torgo made this sculpture in your likeness from twenty years of belly button lint that he has been collecting in anticipation of this special moment.
-Master

...and I am sharing these scrumdiddlyisious smores that I will be cooking to perfection over the sacred bonfire, and will offer up to you first, before myself or Torgo has had any to eat.
-Master

(YAWN)...WELL...CONSIDERING YOUR BUDGET, THIS IS ABOUT ALL I WOULD EXPECT FROM EITHER OF YOU.
BUT HOW ABOUT SOMETHING WITH A MORE DEEPER MEANING?
SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL VALUE? SOMETHING THAT MEANS MORE TO YOU THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD?
-Manos

I think that he means me Master.
-Torgo

NO I DON'T MEAN YOU TORGO, OR YOUR BELLY BUTTON LINT CREATIONS EITHER.
I THINK THAT MASTER SHOULD OFFER UP ONE OF HIS BRIDES TO ME AS A SACRIFICE.
THAT...WOULD REALLY IMPRESS ME!
-Manos

WHAT? YOU MUST BE JOKING?
-Master

IN TWENTY YEARS, HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ME TO JOKE?
-Manos

You got a point there!
-Master

BRING OUT ALL OF YOUR MANY BRIDES MASTER!
LET ME GAZE UPON THEM AND THEN I WILL CHOOSE THE ONE THAT YOU WILL WILLINGLY OFFER UP TO ME AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT/SACRIFICE.
OKAAAAAY?
-Manos

(Master and Torgo hurriedly go about the property seeking out and bringing all of Master's chosen brides that he loves both deeply and equally, to the great God Manos..
They bring the brides to the bonfire and wait for the omnipotent Manos to make a decision.)

...cont

Just watched- this is to the original Manos what Birdemic 2 is to Birdemic. I think it's fate that Rifftrax would riff this, but it's out of my hands...

MANOS' - Notes to Myself

Was just getting ready to destroy a small city in the Midwest when I noticed my Hands-of-Fate. "Geeez these hands look...terrible." I thought to myself. These are not the Hands-of Fate that instill fear and obedience, these are the hands of a dishwasher at a Denny's in Minnesota . I really must make an appointment with my manicurist Lisa at "Nail Envy." It's time to ditch my oh-so-boring Goth black nail color that is so...YESTERDAY, for a more up-to-date sacrificial blood red color, that is more complimentary to an omnipotent God like myself. Who knows, I might be able to attract a higher class of followers, instead of my only two current followers-to-date, Master and Torgo. What was I thinking when I hired those two?
In the meantime, I refuse to destroy any cities or go out in public until I get my Manos makeover.
MANOS HAS SPOKEN!

- Manos (The terrible-looking (for now) Hands-of-Fate.)

11/21/2019
3:30 a.m.

Torgo's Diary

Dear diary, Master looks so handsome in the moonlight, his hideous demonic stare beckons me to come closer, but I dare not. When Master gets angry with me I get a secret thrill inside that makes me shiver with desire. My servant job to Master doesn't pay me money, it has no medical benefits, and doesn't even include a pension or a 401k plan, and yet I stay. Why? Last night, I accidently got too close to one of Master's brides, and Master flew into an uncontrolled rage. Could Master be jealous...of me?
Does Master secretly care...about me? Maybe there is some hope for a special...friendship with Master. Only time will tell.

-Torgo

"It is the will of Manos!"

Movie Trailer 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36yjsD8BbAE

Movie Trailer 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Sza97icUw

Actually, this might not be completely product-ed yet. But at some point it should be ready!

This is real!!! I was shocked when I looked it up online and it does exist! This MUST be riffed!

Wow- if this is real- you must do this! Little Debbie has a snack for you :) creepy!