7496 results found

1. Scorpion (1986)

   Gentlemen, let me introduce to you Scorpion, the first and only movie starring former karate champion Tonny Tulleners, who's major claim to fame is being the guy who consistently kicked Chuck Norris' ass in several tournaments back in the day, writing a popular 'Beginning Karate' book that you could order by mail from the back of Boy's Life, and for having the best porn star/Larry Csonka mustache in the martial arts community.

   You can watch the entire movie in full here:
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78SI8hNUEEE

   And according to RetroFilm Vault, it's in the Public Domain, though I haven't seen it listed on Archive.org or any of the other usual public domain sites.

   There's a reason Chuck's film career took off and Tonny's stalled after just one movie, which will become apparent the moment you see his soft-spoken highly nuanced non-performance as special agent "Steve Woods", who is also occasionally called "Scorpion" when they remember they need to shoehorn it in to justify the bad-ass video cover. Apparently, there's some union rule where every single one of these karate cop movies has to begin with the guy being sent into a hostage situation naked, in his underwear, or in Tonny's case, wearing extremely upsetting tiny white short shorts, to convince the gun-toting terrorists that he's not carrying any concealed weapons or dignity.

   The movie then drifts into even more tried and true action movie format, when Tonny's best friend and partner (and 3rd grade level amateur recorder player) is murdered trying to protect an important government witness who looks remarkably like a Cuban Robert Z'Dar, forcing "Scorpion" to stop playing by the rules and uncover a hidden ring of corruption (well... not that well hidden) and avenge his partner's death by punching a lot of people in the face. But first, we get a meaningful flashback to the time when he and his buddy were 6 and tried really really hard to vandalize a statue in the park by pushing it over. What follows is an extremely tepid game of Ambien Cat vs. Zoloft Mouse, culminating in the most lackluster helicopter vs. boat chase since Mitchell, and you guessed it, punching the final bad guy in the face. (All of the fight scenes in this movie suck. They obviously didn't hire any martial artists besides Tonny, or waste any time or money on fight choreography. All the bad guys attempt a few halfhearted blocks then immediately get taken down in the space of about 10 seconds.) But if you're worried about the film not having any dramatic payoff, you'll be relieved to know at the end of the movie, Scorpion goes back to the park where he had his flashback and knocks over the statue as a final tribute to his departed friend and a massive "fuck you" to the poor parks and recreation employees who are probably going to have to rent a backhoe to put it back up again. Great job Tonny!

   https://ultimateactionmovies.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/Scorpion-1986.jpg

   Gentlemen, let me introduce to you Scorpion, the first and only movie starring former karate champion Tonny Tulleners, who's major claim to fame is being the guy who consistently kicked Chuck Norris' ass in several tournaments back in the day, writing a popular 'Beginning Karate' book that you could order by mail from the back of Boy's Life, and for having the best porn star/Larry Csonka mustache in the martial arts community.

   You can watch the entire movie in full here:
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78SI8hNUEEE

   And according to RetroFilm Vault, it's in the Public Domain, though I haven't seen it listed on Archive.org… more

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2. Hellraiser IV: Bloodline

   Hellraiser ... in spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!
   https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116514/reference
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XB5uvrzx9s

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3. NINJA JUMP Bouncy Castle Instructional VHS

   If the name alone doesn't sell you, well good news, this whole thing plays out like a silent film comedy short, although all of the humor is unintentional. I do appreciate the description cards in between scenes though.

   https://youtu.be/1X4aPDEPpcw

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4. Cosmic Sin (2021)

   Another sadsack Bruce Willis paycheck flick for him to phone it in....
   500 years in the future and their driving around in 21st century SUVs and fighting with basic handguns.

   Production value challenging the cheapness of Asylum, if channelling Ed Wood.

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBnURXda4uQ
   https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11762434/reference

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5. The Vampire of the Opera

   If you can find an English dubbed version it would be a perfect movie to riff.

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6. Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster AKA GODZILLA vs. HEDORAH

   Well-meaning Godzilla flick with an environmental message peppered with random interstitial animated clips.

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46p5qFj7Oq0
   https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067148/reference

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7. Force Four (1975)

   All the (bad) karate and (bad) karate sounds packed into this action flick that has something to do with thugs and African art. The leader of Force Four is the rat-tailed dude from Velvet Smooth. Lots of fun, lots of cheese, and lots of dialogue from people not even on the screen.

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8. The Clones (1972)

   This movie has it all! Annoying sound effects - check. Mind searing opening credits - check. Bizarre dialog - check! All mushed into a story line that wouldn't make a decent Movie of the Week.

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9. Batwoman (VCI dub)

   This Mexican stab at ripping off Adam West is already pretty wacky. But now, VCI has released an awful dub and needs a riff. Did I mention she spends most of the movie on a bikini?

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10. The Nutcracker (1993 George Balanchine's with Macaulay Culkin)

    This movie should be considered because I feel there is plenty of opportunity for Riffs (like gender roles and cutting a crown off a dead rat and putting it on a girl's head and we're just cool with that??), Macaulay being in it also adds to the opportunities for riffs, and there is not a lot of talking in the movie so funny commentary would be an awesome addition. Thanks for considering.

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11. The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin Live Action

    live action version of the old 1980's cartoon.
    
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtASI_blv_0

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12. An Affair to Remember

    It's another Cary Grant movie...Mike and Bridget should Riff!

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13. Raising Arizona

    Live...in Nashville!!!

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14. Star Leaf

    It has awful dialog, awful acting, and an awful plot. It’s a perfect candidate

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15. The Terrornauts

    Late '60s British sci-fi, with a budget so low even Doctor Who would disown it. Comic relief from Charles Hawtrey and the old woman whose dogs keep dying in A FISH CALLED WANDA. Also contains a Bond girl and aliens with broccoli for hair.

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16. Valley Girl

    Massive misrepresentations of punk, what could go wrong?

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17. Scream Park

    2013 kickstarter funded horror film -- on prime & tubi -- shot in PA amusement park.
    about a failed-amusement park owner that devises a plan to commit gruesome murders in a park as a publicity stunt to sell tickets, killing off the employees to create a serial killer theme park

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18. What makes a good party - Coronet
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19. Eat for Health - short
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20. Dan Curtis' Dracula

    This BBC made for TV movie is an utter hot mess and would make for amazing fodder for the boys.

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