Gentlemen, let me introduce to you Scorpion, the first and only movie starring former karate champion Tonny Tulleners, who's major claim to fame is being the guy who consistently kicked Chuck Norris' ass in several tournaments back in the day, writing a popular 'Beginning Karate' book that you could order by mail from the back of Boy's Life, and for having the best porn star/Larry Csonka mustache in the martial arts community.

You can watch the entire movie in full here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78SI8hNUEEE

And according to RetroFilm Vault, it's in the Public Domain, though I haven't seen it listed on Archive.org or any of the other usual public domain sites.

There's a reason Chuck's film career took off and Tonny's stalled after just one movie, which will become apparent the moment you see his soft-spoken highly nuanced non-performance as special agent "Steve Woods", who is also occasionally called "Scorpion" when they remember they need to shoehorn it in to justify the bad-ass video cover. Apparently, there's some union rule where every single one of these karate cop movies has to begin with the guy being sent into a hostage situation naked, in his underwear, or in Tonny's case, wearing extremely upsetting tiny white short shorts, to convince the gun-toting terrorists that he's not carrying any concealed weapons or dignity.

The movie then drifts into even more tried and true action movie format, when Tonny's best friend and partner (and 3rd grade level amateur recorder player) is murdered trying to protect an important government witness who looks remarkably like a Cuban Robert Z'Dar, forcing "Scorpion" to stop playing by the rules and uncover a hidden ring of corruption (well... not that well hidden) and avenge his partner's death by punching a lot of people in the face. But first, we get a meaningful flashback to the time when he and his buddy were 6 and tried really really hard to vandalize a statue in the park by pushing it over. What follows is an extremely tepid game of Ambien Cat vs. Zoloft Mouse, culminating in the most lackluster helicopter vs. boat chase since Mitchell, and you guessed it, punching the final bad guy in the face. (All of the fight scenes in this movie suck. They obviously didn't hire any martial artists besides Tonny, or waste any time or money on fight choreography. All the bad guys attempt a few halfhearted blocks then immediately get taken down in the space of about 10 seconds.) But if you're worried about the film not having any dramatic payoff, you'll be relieved to know at the end of the movie, Scorpion goes back to the park where he had his flashback and knocks over the statue as a final tribute to his departed friend and a massive "fuck you" to the poor parks and recreation employees who are probably going to have to rent a backhoe to put it back up again. Great job Tonny!

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