Never Too Young To Die (1986)
High school gymnast Lance Stargrove (John Stamos) hunts down the psychotic hermaphrodite (Gene Simmons) who killed his secret agent father (George "Connery Lite" Lazenby)...and just so happens to stumble upon an evil plot to poison California's water supply along the way.
"Not the finger!!"
Tisa Ott commented
This is on amazon now. My husband and I watched it and were transfixed. Its like someone thought, "You know I like James bond movies but... I just wish they were a little more like Mad Max and Rocky Horror Picture Show."
Also saw this on TCM and was personally riffing along to it wishing that Rifftrax had done this. It is tailor made for the crew! Do it now!
Only five minutes in watching this on TCM, and I had to come here and see if anyone had suggested this.
Wow! Just wow! This is one of those movies that you have to wonder if the actors knew how incredibly awful this was going to be when they were making it- or if they were foreign- it's weird on a Danish scale of wiggity wiggity wack- and John Stamos bites Gene Simmon's boobie (Gene is a hermaphrodite) and Vanity is in this too- it's very surrealistic towards the love making scene with Vanity and Stamos because it literally turns into an art film of some sort- he was hungry for apples I guess - but whatever the case, you should definitely do this movie for the John Stamos/Gene Simmons collaboration- it's pure cinematic magic
Good vs evil! Exceptional violence! Nudity (if you count Gene Simmons' moobs)! Asian man stereotyped as incompetent genius! Vanity in her PRIME(more nudity)! Transgender rage against CIS scum before it was cool (hermaphroditic anger channeled against straight male privledge)! Brief cameo from former Bond actor (not the popular ones)!
This movie has it all. As a young impressively mind this was my gateway into B-movie paradise. It is the stick upon which I measure all other such flicks and none have quite measured up. Whether it be due to the nostalgic or pure genius of the film, this lords over all other B Movies.
Maybe not, but this is truly a film that could become legendary riffing. Also this would bank on the recent Fuller house with John Stamos, the recent passing of Vanity, as well as the inevitable passing of Gene Simmons.
Yes, before he was Grandfathered, before he had a Full House... but after You Again? John Stamos was Lance Stargrove (Stargrove?!) in this bizarre film which makes 'No Retreat, No Surrender,' and 'Miami Connection' look reasonably normal.
Basically Ryan has the plot up there but let this Fangarian spice it up for you. You know, the late 80s films had more bizarre villains than The Master himself (both from 'Manos' and 'Doctor Who'), and NTYTD doesn't disappoint by far. Apparently Gene Simmons wasn't satisfied in being a psychotic robotics engineer in 'Runaway,' because in this flick he's a psychotic hermaphrodite known as Van Ragnar.
Basically Van has a plan, and man, what a plan! Followed by a bunch of displaced punk rockers (and possibly some abandoned extras from 'The Outsiders'), Van decides for some odd reason to poison the water supply. Now though Ryan claims it was California (small stretch since we all know what's in the water there!), Van claims he's going to start there and poison the world's water supply... possibly with LSD or something.. who knows? Anyhow, Van discovers his group has been infiltrated by secret agents, Drew Stargrove and his associate.
Mainly because Stargrove has a habit of giving his associates a medallion to wear (sheesh, why doncha paint a target on you. Who puts identi.. (looks at F-Clanscrest on shirt)..okay.. never mind), so naturally Van Ragnar kills him, then his associate by using a steel-tipped fingernail (the finger.. the finger... before 'the finger' meant something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT).
Meanwhile in the US (never claimed exactly where Van and his evil lair really was, more or less), Drew's son, Lance (who also wears a medallion while practicing his gymnast moves) and discovers his dad has been killed, but supposedly never realizing his father was a secret agent (yeah, in the 80s people were oblivious to that sort of thing, until of course they get attacked or the relation gets killed).
So as you'd expect, Lance wants revenge, while the agency wants Van brought to justice.. oh, and save the water supply... I guess...
Making this romp even more confusing, singer Vanity (once again, the 80s, where every rock singer had starring roles in these flicks. Imagine.) plays Lance's co-agent.. more or less... but never quite explains her involvement in this story. From my foggy memory... I think Van needed her for something to help poison the water supply.. not really sure... but what I do remember was the cheesy romantic scene where Lance goes off and boinks her off-screen, only to both be captured and replaced with bad-looking duplicates (yes, believe it or not), whereas they confront Van Ragnar..
What follows is a bizarre escape/fight scene which is more illogically-perplexing than MegaForce's battle with that warlord guy. And the most hilarious scene comes with John Stamos vs. Gene Simmons, where Gene does the tongue thing towards him.. more disturbingly humorous than 'Fun in Balloonland,' and 'Manos.'
Anyway, this is definitely a film the RiffTrax crew should do next, after all, you did 'No Retreat, No Surrender,' and 'Death Promise,' so why not this one? Definitely get to see how John Stamos performs as a secret agent and Gene as a villain, you wonder if this is really a spy flick, or just a failed 'Inspector Gadget' episode... but without Dr. Claw and the Gadgets.. of course..
So whaddya think, sirs?
It KILLS me you have never done this movie! Gene Summons from KISS as a hermaphrodite super villain named "Velvet" who is defeated by John Stamos wanting a kiss?
HOW HAVE YOU NOT DONE THIS??!?!?
Mah po' widdle brain weeps...
Ryan Wick commented
And here's the trailer, in all its 80's glory: