What would you get if you crossed a David DeCouteau flick with an ineffective antagonist from 'This Island Earth,' and I don't mean those dudes with the raised foreheads?

You'd get this bizarre flick from 1974, where even the video box art and description sounds far better than this train wreck.

Basically, as the film begins with an obscure hospital scene (hey, still better than a monotonous driving scene, eh?), where some patient is given some ominous-looking flowers. Apparently by the way they film this, you might think the patient's going to get Poison Ivy'ed where the plant somehow devours her, or grows throughout her body.

But no such luck. Instead she ends up dying of a cardiac arrest, or poisoned by spores, who knows?

Next we hear music which makes about as much sense as Gamera the Invincible, where you wonder why the director would play upbeat tones at a funeral service? And we see the intro credits roll.

In a nutshell, the spiel goes something like this: the two women, Ellen and Helena are discussing their friend's odd demise, then, for no apparent reason, talks about how fantastic her garden looks. No kidding, not about how strange this chick passed on due to some odd flowers into her room, but how marvelous her garden is.

Of course, this is all to the thanks of Carl, who apparently, throughout the film, wears a long ponytail, and has an aversion to wearing shirts of any kind, while trouncing through the foliage he allegedly tends to, and apparently this is his ONLY role throughout the film. Seems the plants do all the work as they bloom wildly about Ellen's estate, after she hires him on.

Of course, this is your average, protagonist remains absolutely clueless to the obvious, as her staff, her friends and husband attempt to tell Ellen something's a bit amiss with Carl's instant green thumb. Yet, it takes a stormy night, and a strangled cat (no kidding) to have it finally sink into her that Carl might be the illegitimate son of Pamela Isley. But not before making love to him in a lake.

At this point the protagonist does a 180, and starts investigating Carl's past employers, while Helena begins feeling her oats, and wants Ellen to fire Carl, so she can hire him.

Naturally the incomprehensible ending occurs with some wild tempest, to a point where we get the classic Strange Creatures ending, where you'll be whispering like Bill, 'seriously, what the hell was that?'

But enough of that, here are the top 3 reasons why The Gardener should be Riffed:

(1) Carl - Most ineffective antagonist of the film itself. No seriously, since all you really see of him is walking about topless throughout the garden, with establishing shots of the dangerous flowers. On occasion, he'll strike up a brief conversation with Ellen, if you want to consider the Barbarino-like responses 'conversation.'

In short, if your expecting Carl to unleash Poison Ivy powers all over the place, forget it. Basically, we are to assume he can grow instant blooms which apparently can kill by... spores... or invisible gas... who knows?

Heck, even Torgo had more lines and scenes in Manos... and that's saying something.

(2) The really out-of-place incidental music. Not since Jack Frost, does the director make us wonder if The Gardener is supposed to be a horror film, or just a rejected rom-com pilot. Because most of the time we hear nothing but upbeat music, even when we see Carl's establishing shots, where you would expect more creepy tunes with a Theremin. And the only time we DO hear appropriate incidental music is when Ellen begins wising up and investigating. And speaking of Ellen...

(3) The clueless protagonist: not even the Drugs Are Like That Kids could be as oblivious as Ellen. Sure, this was a classic trope in those 70 foreign horror films, but c'mon, throughout most of the film, she so amazed at how Carl can immediately produce beautiful flowers, it never really dawns on her, until that stormy night when she comes across the strangled cat, (Also what is up with cats being strangled by plants? What not have one OD'ed off of catnip instead?) Where her clueless personality suddenly switches to that of Jessica Fletcher and she starts adding up the fact Carl has been offing women with his flora, and tries rescuing her friend, with oddly disturbing and hilarious results.

In the end, I believe Mike, Bill and Kevin (or even Bridget and Mary Jo) should riff this one, just for the fact this thing really seems more like a blue movie with a topless man running about a garden, than an actual horror film.