We wish you a Turtle Christmas
This is the unwatchable Christmas special featuring Leonardo singing reggae, Raphael rapping, and the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles singing in rapist face mode. It's the ultimate Christmas short for Rifftrax. A lot of people don't like it, but I still dig it.
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tsarstepan commented
Turtle power my ass!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1789982/combined
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGTQaTphSa0 -
TB Tabby commented
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6grWQ55VAI
Also, it's freely available on YouTube if you want to witness the horror for yourself.
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TB Tabby commented
Allow me to go into detail:
-The TMNT were rapidly declining in popularity at this point after the execrable third movie and even worse Gettin' Down in Your Town concert. This special was the last cynical attempt to wring some money out of the die-hard fans before they faded into obscurity for the next decade, and it shows. The costumes are horrendous, with the turtles' faces perpetually grinning and their mouths moving long after they stop talking, and Splinter looks like something you fish out of your bathtub drain.
-The story opens with the turtles decorating on Christmas Eve, breaking the fourth wall to address the viewer like it's Romper Room. They then sing the first of many awful manglings of Christmas carols, a Reggae rendition of "Deck the Halls" complete with fake Jamaican accents and references to Bebop, Rocksteady and the Shredder, who do not appear in the special, sadly.
-After the song, we finally get our conflict: the turtles realize that they forgot to get Splinter a present despite getting gifts for a bunch of kids who never get names or characterization. Nice sense of priorities, guys. So it's up to the streets of NYC for some last-minute shopping...in song form, to the tune of "Over the River and Through the Woods." Not much to say about this scene except that they apparently never bothered to make feet for the turtle costumes, because they're all wearing ordinary shoes that look way too small for their feet to be crammed inside them, unless Splinter was binding their feet for some reason. Maybe that's why nobody got him a present.
-The song fades out, only to break into another song without even a hint of a segue. Fortunately, this song makes up for it not only by not being a Christmas carol ripoff, but by being "Gotta Get a Gift for Splinter," the most gloriously awful musical number I've ever seen. The turtles rattle off various bizarre gift ideas while the other turtles shoot them down, while musical accompaniment is provided by the random kids banging on sewer pipes and trash can lids. Where did these kids come from? Why are they dicking around in the middle of the night with no parental supervision on Christmas Eve? And why are none of them fazed by the presence of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?! Who knows, who cares, because this is the only amusing portion of whole thing.
-Despite the time crunch, the TMNT see no problem with taking a little detour to view the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza, the sight of which--I kid you not--causes Michelangelo to enter some kind of delusional fugue state.where he starts singing opera to the tune of "O Little Town of Bethlehem." This is indicated by Raphael pointing out 'He's turned into that opera guy again!" "Again," Raphael?! This has happened before?! How long has Michaelangelo been randomly singing opera?! What caused it?! Shouldn't he be seeking some kind of treatment for this?! Again, never explained. Also, they apparently wasted a whole hour that they could have spent shopping. Idiots.
-FINALLY, the turtles get to the store, which looks remarkably similar to a darkened studio. This scene thankfully has no songs, but it makes up for it with the turtles endlessly yakking and holding up random things they're apparently considering as gifts, which include sneakers, yo-yos, and a "TOTALLY BODACIOUS" framed fake pizza. I have no idea why Splinter, or anybody else, would want a pizza for Christmas, let alone a pizza you can't even eat, but whatever.
-Now that they have their gift, it's time to wrap...and rap. Yes, it's ANOTHER shitty TMNT rap, but this one will have you pining for the musical genius of Vanilla Ice. Especially since the vast majority of the lyrics are just "Rap Wrap, Rap Wrap" over and over. Partners in Kryme, where art thou?!
-At long last, it's Christmas morning, and the turtles are not only joined by Hairball Splinter, but also those random kids! Why are they spending Christmas in the sewer instead of, say, with their families?! Were they kidnapped?! Are they orphans?! No time for questions, because it's time for Splinter's rendition of "The Twelve Days of Christmas," which certainly does feel like it goes on for twelve days. Splinter's singing voice makes William Hung sound like Louis Armstrong, and the lyrics don't help. "Eight Chopsticks?!"
-It's almost over, take heart....Splinter reminds the turtles that their love for him is the real gift in a last-ditch attempt to add some weight to this special, and how to the turles respond? "Does anybody want a pizza?" Yeah, screw love and togetherness, let's get pizza-faced! They leave us with one final mangling of a Christmas carol, the titular "We Wish You a Turtles Christmas."