Dilbert Thockmeyer

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  1. 10 votes
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    2 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    A 'Brain Eater', a 'Zombie', and 'The Brain from Planet Arous' go into a bar and the bartender says:

    Bartender: Welcome gentleman, what can I get for you?

    Brain Eater: Well, I have lived inside the planet Earth for millions of years, and I would really like to attach myself to the back of your neck, and stick my two razor appendages into your brain to control you and conquer the Earth.

    Zombie: Well, I would like to have your brain on a plate, with a side dish of fava beans, and some ketchup if you got it it.

    Brain from Planet Arous: Well, I would like to take control of your brain and use it enslave all of mankind, if that's OK with you. Do you have any free pretzels?

    Bartender: Gentleman, you must have mistakenly thought that this is one of those trendy hot new millennial restaurants, not a sleazy little dive bar that people go to consume alcohol.

    Bartender: Tell you what... for 'The Brain Eater" I will make you a brain martini, shaken not stirred, for 'Brain from Planet Arous', I will make you a 'Flaming Einstein' with some high grade rocket fuel from NASA that I keep here for my 'special customers', and for Zombie, I will make you a fantastically delicious brain Daiquiri topped with a little umbrella.
    The total drink bill will be $47.50, not including what I hope will be a generous tip.
    PAYABLE IN ADVANCE!.

    Brain Eater: I just emerged from under the Earth after millions of years, I don't have any...what do you call it...MONEY?

    Brain from Planet Arous: On my planet Arous, our highly evolved society did away with monetary compensation thousands of years ago.

    Zombie: Hey, I'd love to slap you some dough friend, but my unemployment checks stopped after I died over sixty-five years ago.

    Bartender: Unhuh! Just as I thought. Alright, get out of my bar you deadbeats and don't come back until one-of-you has some cash, or a credit card, and absolutely NO CHECKS!

    Brain Eater: Gee, what a highly emotional guy. I don't think that I shall ever patronize this bar again.

    Zombie: Somehow this all makes me think that this should originally have been a very funny joke.

    Brain from Planet Arous: From the guy that wrote this? Are you freeking kidding me? The guy that wrote this wouldn't know how to write a funny joke if it was already written down and all he had to do was copy it.

    Brain Eater: Just our luck to get stuck with a clueless no-talent joke writer to write our dialog.

    Brain from Planet Arous: Hey, let's go visit Rifftrax and have them write us some funny dialog? Maybe they can even re-write this bar joke and actually make it funny. And if they can't or won't...we can always have their brains, which is much more then we ever got from the brainless writer we have here.

    Zombie: Great plan...let's go.

    Dilbert Thockmeyer supported this idea  · 
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    What do you mean that MST3K and now Rifftrax has never riffed the 1958 movie, 'The Brain Eaters' before? The poster artwork for this movie is really great and scary looking. But you would never use the words 'great' or 'scary' if you were to describe this movie. For some reason, probably because of that great poster, I always thought that this film was a cheesy graphic gore fest, but it is actually a very goofy, cheaply made, poorly written, mostly badly acted film that has Ed Nelson, and if you look hard, you might see Leonard Nimoy in a small role. The intentions are admirable, just really poorly executed. (God Bless You Ed Wood.) The filmmakers use narration in a number of places to try to move the film along and maybe fill in some plot holes, but it doesn't help. With all of that said, I really liked this film. There are so many opportunities in this movie for Rifftrax to riff on, it is almost like the filmmakers were able to see way into the future like Nostradamus could, and knew that they were making this movie to be riffed and enjoyed by the millions of Rifftrax fans who need a good laugh today more than ever.
    This movie could become a Rifftrax classic, but then again, I say that about every movie that gets riffed.
    What do I know?

  2. 28 votes
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    16 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Two alligators crawl into a bar at the outskirts of the swamp, when one of them says:

    Sammy gator: Bartender, bring us a couple of Gatorade's.

    Larry gator: ...and this time make sure you include those cute little drink umbrellas!

    Sammy gator: You know Larry, that gator wrangler named Manon is about the dumbest human that I have ever seen.

    Larry gator: Really Sammy? Why do you say that?

    Sammy gator: Well, a few days ago Manon was walking through the swamp, and he gets his foot caught in a gator trap and he can't get himself out.

    Larry gator: Well gee Sammy, I don't see why that would make the poor guy dumb?

    Sammy gator: Manon tries to get his foot out of the trap, but it's just no use, the trap is too strong, and Manon knows that if he doesn't free himself quickly, he will die.

    Larry gator: OK, this is a terrible situation to be in, but that doesn't mean Manon's dumb, it was just a terrible accident.

    Sammy Gator: After trying frantically to free himself Manon knows that there is nobody around for miles to help him, and the only way to escape the trap and certain death is for him to cut off his foot.
    He pulls his six inch razor sharp knife out it's holster, that is attached to his belt and proceeds to cut off his foot.
    Manon loudly screams at the unbearable pain, as blood gushes from his freshly cut-off limb.

    Larry gator: Gosh, I'm starting to feel really sorry for this guy, why do you have to keep calling him dumb?

    Sammy gator: He cut off the WRONG foot!

    Larry gator: Bartender! Another round of drinks please!

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Manon was walking in the swamp one afternoon when he saw a seven-foot, three-inch long, two-hundred sixty-five pound gator holding a fully loaded semi-automatic AK47 assault rifle and pointing it directly at him.

    Q) What did Manon do next?

    A) He ran straight towards the gator.

    Q) Why in the heck did he do that?

    A) He wanted to see if the gator had a permit to carry a weapon in the swamp.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -What's dumb?

    Working as a gator wrangler every day, in the swamp, with man-eating alligators.

    -What's dumber?

    Patting all of the man-eating alligators on the head and saying: "Nice Doggie!"

    -And even dumber still?

    Creating a will and naming a gator as your sole beneficiary.

    -And dumbest of all?

    Telling the gator about the will!

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    After a hard day's work, Manon returned to the run-down dilapidated shack that he called home.
    He went to his kitchen that doubled as his dining room and made his dinner.
    As he sat down to eat, there was a hoard of flies buzzing around him, and this made him angry, even though this had been an every day occurance for years.
    Manon thought about this annoying problem for hours and decided to put a large pile of fresh gator poop on his bed. The flies were immediately drawn to the fresh gator poop in Manon's bedroom and away from the kitchen. "I am just so smart, I should have followed my Mammy's and Pappy's advice when I was young and become a quantum physicist instead of a gator wrangler, like they told me to do." Manon daydreamed.
    Manon, then enjoyed his first quiet fly-less dinner in a very long time.

    Question: What would have been a much simpler and more effective solution for Manon to have pursued with his fly dilemma?

    Answer: Manon should have let the flies land on his food and eat some, thus killing all of the flies within minutes. Problem solved.
    And then he wouldn't have to deal with his newly created second problem of where he was going to sleep tonight.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Q) What did Manon say was the most annoying thing about being a gator wrangler in the swamp?

    A) When the gators ring your doorbell and run.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Q) What did Manon say was his favorite thing about working as a gator wrangler in the swamp?

    A) His days off.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    A gang of teenage gators crashed Manon's surprise birthday party, that was being held for him at the swamp.
    What game did the delinquent gators insist on everybody playing that abruptly ended Manon's party and made all the party guests quickly leave?

    Answer: 'Swallow the Leader'

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Sid and Nancy gator decided to take a long overdue vacation cruise to Florida.
    After unpacking, Sid and Nancy gator went to the cruise ship's restaurant.
    The waiter came over to them and said:

    Waiter: Good afternoon, would you both like to see a menu?

    Sid gator: No thank-you, just bring us the passenger list.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    The gator family were all eating dinner together when Mama gator looked up at her son and harshly said:

    Mama gator:" Wally! You know that it's not polite to talk with someone in your mouth!"

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Manon's friends all got together and held a surprise birthday party for Manon at the swamp.

    Q) What party game did Manon refuse to play?

    A) 'Pin the Tail on the Gator.'

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Q) Why did the twenty-something female gator crash the singles mixer being held at the Okefenokee Country Club?

    A) She was looking for edible bachelors.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Manon liked two things more than anything else in the whole world. Halloween and candy. Every year for Halloween he would dress up in a different costume that he made and go out 'Trick or Treating.'
    This Halloween, Manon took an old wrinkled extra large white sheet and threw it over his head, for his costume. His first stop, was always old Mrs. Brown's house. Manon rang her doorbell, and when she answered, he yelled "Trick or Treat!"
    For a moment Mrs. Brown was startled, and then she said:
    (Mrs. Brown was startled because Manon was ringing her doorbell in March.)

    Mrs. Brown: "Oh my goodness Manon, are you dressed up as a scary ghost?"

    Manon: "Nooooooo! Isn't it obvious that I'm supposed to be an 'unmade bed?'"

    Manon: "I sure hope that you are going to give out those yummy 'gator shaped' chocolate candies again this year Mrs. Brown."

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Manon was walking through the swamp one afternoon when two large gators came out of nowhere and viciously attacked him.
    The first gator savagely ripped off his left leg off his body, and the second gator brutally bit off his left arm leaving a blood spurting gaping hole where his arm used to be.

    What did Manon say to the horrified on-lookers to try and calm them down?

    Manon: "Don't worry folks, I'm 'all right' now."

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -Famous Quotes-

    "I never met a man I didn't like."
    -Will Rogers

    "I never met a man I didn't like (to eat)."
    -Wally the swamp gator

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -Manon's Gator Jokes-

    Manon: "Better laugh or I swear I'll kill you, just like I would kill any four legged gator that didn't laugh at my jokes!"

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why did the gator cross the road?

    A) So he could get to me and bite my F*****G hand off!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a gator.

    A) I don't know but the A*****E just successfully sued me for everything I own, in court last week!
    (...and then he bit my F*****G hand off!)

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) How many arms does a gator have?

    A) One, and it was my good F*****G arm!

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What's worse than a bloodthirsty giant gator chasing you?

    A) TWO giant bloodthirsty gators chasing after me, and they're about to catch me as I write this with my only good F*****G hand!

    -------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why do gators hate fast food.

    A) Because I'm slow, fat and much tastier!
    (...and they've already had my hand to eat as an F*****G appetizer!)

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why do gators make bad pets?

    A1) The minute you bring them home from the pet shop they F*****G eat you! And then they leave to go look for a new better tasting owner.

    A2) You risk your life every time you change their litter box.

    A3) When you take them out for a walk, all of your neighbors and their pets F*****G mysteriously disappear.
    (...and I don't mean that they run away.)

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After fifty-three years of working as a gator wrangler in the swamps, Manon decided to retire and follow his life-long dream of becoming an actor in the theater.

    Q) What was the only role that Manon was continuously typecast to play for the rest of his life?

    A) "Captain Hook," in the play "Peter Pan."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What did the very polite female gator say when she was formally introduced to Manon?

    A) "Pleased to eat you."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why did Manon dress up in a clown costume whenever he worked in the swamp?

    A) He felt that if the gators thought that he tasted funny, they wouldn't try to eat him.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why did the female gator decide not to eat Manon, when she had a chance to?

    A) She figured that having him made into a handbag with matching shoes, would make a bold fashion statement to all of the other envious female gators in the swamp.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why is Manon considered the "perfect meal" to all of the swamp gators?

    A) When you're finished eating him, you can use his hook as a toothpick.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Manon had gypsy blood in him and was able to tell people's futures for beer money.

    Q) What did Manon say to the gator as it was about to eat him?

    A) "I knew this would happen!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What did the swamp gators call the teenager who was so totally engrossed in texting in the morning, that she was oblivious of everything else?

    A) Breakfast.

    Q) What did the swamp gators call the woman in the afternoon, who stood immovably transfixed, as she watched an "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" episode on her iPad?

    A) Lunch

    Q) What did the swamp gators call the guy who was standing still, totally absorbed in watching YouTube videos on his smartphone in the evening?

    A) Dinner

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What did Manon think when he came face-to-face with a gator doing a Sudoku puzzle.

    A) "Going to visit the bratwurst factory in Germany has always been on my bucket list, right now might be a really good time to do it!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Wallace Gator: "What do a Lay's potato chip and a human have in common?"

    Fred Gator: "You can't eat just one."

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bP7PpOyZ6Ac

    "I'll kill you gatorman, just like I would any four legged gator.

    -Manon

    Dilbert Thockmeyer shared this idea  · 
  3. 46 votes
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    5 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Two teenage Giant Floating Brains, who although they were both gender neutral, they both self-identified as male. These teenage Giant Floating Brains were just floating around at the park one afternoon with nothing to do when one of them telepathically communicated:
    (Oh yes, and they have chosen the names of Doug and Carl as their Earthly identities.)

    Doug: "My IQ is larger than yours is!"

    Carl: "That may be true, but all of the teenage gender neutral, but self-identifying female Giant Floating Brains say that I have cutest and best looking cerebral cortex that they have ever seen."

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -A Giant Floating Brain floats into a bar and says:

    GFB: Inferior human life-form, bring me a "Flaming Einstein!"

    Bartender: Why do you Millennials always end up in my bar asking for those crazy drink names that nobody has ever heard of?

    GFB: Do you wish for a mind transference of data ingredients for a "Flaming Einstein?"

    Bartender: Huh?

    GFB: Take a glass quart container, add 8.05 ounces of premium, not regular, unleaded gasoline. Now add 3.12 ounces of fresh cloves, followed by 4.11 ounces of vinegar, and 5.33 ounces of rubbing alcohol..........................
    ...logic dictates that I take over your brain, make my own drink, and then use your inferior brain to take over the world.

    -A short while later.

    Bartender: Attention! All inferior human life-forms in this bar! Any homo sapiens ordering a "Flaming Einstein" will receive their drink on-the-house, for free. This is a limited time offer!
    You have approximately twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds to order and enjoy your drinks before I take over your world!

    Have a nice day. (Or what's left of it!)

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    -A Giant Floating Brain floats into a bar and says:

    GFB: Inferior human life-form, bring me a "Flaming Einstein."
    In fact, make it a double.

    Bartender: Yes Sir...Ma'am...It....or whatever it is you are.

    -The bartender has no noticeable reaction to the drink request or to the GFB that has placed the order. He proceeds to make a "Flaming Einstein" with all of the proper ingredients to exact perfection.

    -He sets the "Flaming Einstein" on the bar and says:

    Bartender: You know that looks so delicious, I think that will I make one for myself as well.

    -The Giant Floating Brain is stunned, and this is noted by a slight reddening in it's cerebral cortex area.

    -The bartender then makes himself a "Flaming Einstein" properly ignites it with a blowtorch, after which a volcanic like eruption spews forth from the glass, followed by a dazzling looking fireworks-like display, accompanied by four loud explosive retorts, and when this all subsides down to just a small reddish-blue flame on top of the glass, he drinks it all down in one quick gulp.

    -The bartender hiccups twice with pink smoke coming out of his nose, and lets forth a deafening thunderous belch, accompanied by a whitish-blue wall of flame that incinerates three bar patrons sitting at a table ten feet away. Leaving nothing but smoldering ashes.

    -The Giant Floating Brain cannot believe what it's synaptic receptors have transmitted to it.
    Before it is able to communicate it's profound incredulous reaction, the bartender suddenly breaks out in loud spasmodic uproarious laughter accompanied by some residual smoke and flame from his mouth and nose and he then says:

    Bartender: Haw haw, Glozoorpee, if you could have only seen the noticeable redness and swelling of your cerebral cortex. This is just priceless. Hoo Hoo.

    GFB: None of this computes to be logical?

    Bartender: This is all easily explained Glozoorpee. Like you, I come from planet Arous also, my name is Bloozeneep, and I entered this bar about six months ago with the intention of taking over this inferior human bartender's mind and ruling this world.

    GFB: Proceed, I require more data for comprehension?

    Bartender/Bloozeneep: After I took over his mind, I consumed a few dozen "Flaming Einsteins", I then logically came to the conclusion that I could make some decent Earth money running this bar, and have as many "Flaming Einsteins" as I wished to consume.

    I have become accomplished in mindless Earth chatter, and off-color Earth jokes.The bar patrons love me, and show their appreciation with generous tips. The still smoking ashes that you see in front of you were formally my best customers, and really good tippers. I already miss them.
    I really need to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't gulp down a "Flaming Einstein", it gives me terrible gas.

    GFB: Bloozeneep, this is all so incredibly logical.

    Bartender/Bloozeneep: I am actually having FUN. This is something that is not allowed on our planet Arous.

    Bartender/Bloozeneep: Drink your drink Glozoorpee, your flame is beginning to fizzle out, and I will proceed to make us both a couple of more "Flaming Einsteins" to toast this completely logical occasion."

    Life on planet Earth is good.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -John Agar's Giant Floating Brain Jokes-

    John Agar: "Better laugh or the Giant Floating Brain will take control of your mind and use it to rule the world!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q Why did the Giant Floating Brain cross the road?

    A) So it could get to me, take control of my mind and use it to take over the world.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What do you get when you cross a Giant Floating Brain and a lawyer?

    A) I don't know but it charged me a huge retainer fee, lost my case in court, and then it used my mind to take control of the judge and jury.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) How many Giant Floating Brains does it take to change a light bulb?

    A) One. First it takes control over my mind and forces ME to change the light bulb, and then it used ME to take over the world.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why do Giant Floating Brains make bad pets?

    A) Because they are difficult to potty train, and if you take them outside, they try to take control of the park.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why did Giant Floating Brain hate Facebook?

    A) Because GFB felt that Facebook was discriminatory in requiring that you needed a face to become a member, and Facebook has already taken over the world anyway.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What's worse than a Giant Floating Brain taking over your mind and using it to destroy the world?

    A) Forgetting my wife's birthday last month.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why did Giant Floating Brain refuse to see the movie "IT" in the movie theater?

    A) Because it is a well known fact that Giant Floating Brains are afraid of clowns and are highly allergic to popcorn.

    John's Fun Facts: "This is why you never saw any clowns in 'The Brain from Planet Arous' and you never saw me or any of the movie crew eating any popcorn, on the set."

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Years later John Agar commented: I don't know where they found that Giant Floating Brain (GFB), but GFB was not much of an actor. GFB was very difficult to work with. GFB kept forgetting it's lines, GFB never seemed serious about it's role and was always mugging for the camera. That's probably why GFB only did this one movie and you never heard from it again. Instead of taking over the world, I heard that GFB ended up working at a local burger joint in a small town in Iowa.
    Many years later, I was told that GFB retired and was living in the Bronson Caves in Los Angeles.

    Dilbert Thockmeyer shared this idea  · 
  4. 9 votes
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    3 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    The Invisible Invader had just one last thing left on his bucket list before he enslaved all of mankind and took control of the Earth. He always wanted an autograph from and his picture taken with his most favorite actor in the galaxy, William Shatner. The Invisible Invader went to the Star Trek Convention being held in Oregon He went in without paying for admission, (He could do this because he was invisible.) He cut to the front of a huge line of fans waiting to meet-n-greet William Shatner, (He could do this because he was invisible). When he entered into the bright, almost blinding light, which was William Shatner, the Invisible Invader said:

    Invisible Invader: May I have your autograph Mr. Shatner?

    William Shatner: Who said that? Is there somebody there? I don't see anyone?

    Invisible Invader: I would like your autograph and a photo with you, if that is possible, please?

    William Shatner: Did you pay the extra fifty-dollars in U.S. money for my autograph and the photo-op?

    Invisible Invader: Yes sir, all paid up.

    William Shatner: Well then, hand me your 8x10 glossy of me and tell me what you would like me to write.

    Invisible Invader: Could you please write: Resistance is Futile, Death to All Earthling Scum, Affectionately Yours William Shatner.

    William Shatner: There is an extra five-dollar fee for exceeding the autograph sentiment limit.

    Invisible Invader: That's fine, it's worth it.

    William Shatner: OK, now let's take our picture together, remember no touching. Smile for the cameraman.
    I better not see my autographed picture for sale on E-bay next week! If I do, I want a cut of the money that you made on the sale.

    Invisible Invader: I shall be the envy of all of my friend on my planet.

    Invisible Invader: Thank-you so much, and "Live Long and Prosper" Mr. Shatner.

    William Shatner: Ha ha, well said my friend. How refreshing, that is the first time I have ever heard one of my fans ever say that to me.
    The exit is to your left...NEXT!

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Q) Why did the Invisible Invader cross the road?

    A) "He did?" " I never saw him do that!" "Are you sure that he crossed the road?"
    "Maybe he was just standing by the road, but never actually crossed it." "Do you have any video evidence that he crossed the road?" " I heard that he was sitting a diner in Omaha the whole time of the alleged incident, and was nowhere near any roads."

    (Note: This is what happens when you ask an Invisible Invader lawyer any questions!)
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What did the Invisible Invader say to his buddy about his first date with an Earth woman?

    A) You know Qakilothorip, the whole time we were together, she acted like I wasn't there.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) What is the Invisible Invader's favorite movie?

    A) The Invisible Man.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) What did the Invisible Invader promise voters if they elected him to be President?

    A) He promised them that he would be transparent.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) In the end, what was the reason that the voters didn't elect the Invisible Invader to be President?

    A) They saw right through him.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) Why did the Invisible Invader file a discrimination lawsuit against the fast food restaurant?

    A) Every time that he tried to give his food order, he was completely ignored.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) What is on the top of the Invisible Invader's bucket list?

    A) To one day have his portrait painted.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) What was the second thing on the Invisible Invader's bucket list?

    A) To be a recognized actor, and be chased by the paparazzi.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) How do you know if you have said something to upset an Invisible Invader?

    A) It becomes visibly agitated.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Invisible Invader was caught shoplifting at a 99 Cent Only Store. The police arrest, book, and throw the Invisible Invader into jail.

    Q) Why was the Invisible Invader angry with the police?

    A) It hated the way it looked in it's mug shot photo.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) How did the police know that the Invisible Invader was the one who committed the crime?

    A) It was positively identified by an eyewitness in a police lineup.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q) Why did the Invisible Invader dislike going out in public?

    A) It was often mistaken for Adam Sandler.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    So...like if the invaders are invisible...ummmm how do you even like know if you're being invaded?

    Dilbert Thockmeyer shared this idea  · 
  5. 10 votes
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    7 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Yakamonovic the Yeti made a lot of money selling snow-cones to Eskimos.

    Q) How was this possible?

    A) Yakamonovic was a telemarketer.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    The Yeti family were all having dinner, when Mama Yeti placed a couple of snow-cones on her child's plate.

    Q) What did Mama Yeti say to her child?

    A) "Eat your vegetables before they get warm and melt!"

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Yanov the Yeti saw an old lady about to cross a very busy street, he ran over to her, so that he could help her cross safely.

    Old Lady: "Oh my goodness, young man, thank-you so much for helping me cross that terrible busy street."

    Yanov: "Snow problem!"

    Old Lady: "Oh yes, there is just one other thing young man."

    Yanov: "Yes Ma'am?"

    Old Lady: "GET A HAIRCUT YA HIPPIE!"

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Yvette the twenty-something female Yeti was going to sign-up on a very popular singles dating site.

    Q) What did Yvette discover about the dating site that made her abruptly decide not to sign-up?

    A) The dating site didn't have a category for 'Snowmen.'

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Q) What was the nickname given to the Yeti who worked out in the gym every day?

    A) 'The Abdominal Snowman.'

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -The BIG Book of Yeti Jokes-

    Q) Why did the Yeti cross the road?

    A) So he could hitchhike back to the Himalayas.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why did the girl Yeti break off her relationship with her boyfriend?

    A) He told her that she was abominable.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What do you get when you cross a Yeti with a gorilla?

    A) Something very large, very hairy, and very smelly, that only eats frozen bananas.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) Why was the Yeti kid in kindergarten, sent to the principals office?

    A) He called someone a 'SMALLFOOT.'

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) How did the scientist come to the startling conclusion, that all Yetis' have evolved upside down?

    A) Because all Yetis' noses run, and their feet smell.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What is the difference between Yetis and honest politicians?

    A) Yetis actually exist.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Yanov the Yeti, was the biggest Star Trek fan in the world. He watched Star Trek re-runs all day, every day in his Yeti cave. He spent all of his money on Star Trek memorabilia. Many times he didn't have any money leftover to buy food, or pay for rent. He attended Star Trek conventions all over the world. One day he had the opportunity to meet his forever idol William Shatner and get his autograph. Yanov waited over two hours in line for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Finally, Yanov approached his idol, with pen and paper in hand.

    Q) What did William Shatner say to Yanov when they met?

    A) "Get a haircut ya hippie!"

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What did Adam Sandler say to the Yeti when he met him at a Hollywood party?

    A) "Gee, I really wish that I was well-known like you...can I have your autograph?"

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    As of today 7-5-17 the mayor has declared Los Angeles a "Yeti-free zone." Outraged Yetis declared that they will fight this all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary.

    The Yeti population problem in Los Angeles has risen to such huge numbers, that it has become even greater then the homeless problem.
    The Mayor of L.A. has set up emergency funding to be funneled into Yeti sex-education, Yeti birth-control, and the controversial Yeti-dumping in Canada.

    Dilbert Thockmeyer shared this idea  · 
  6. 68 votes
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    4 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Martian invaders Princess Marcuzan (Marilyn Hanold, The Brain That Wouldn't Die) and Doctor Nadir (Lou Cutell, ***-Wee's Big Adventure) prepare an Earth invasion as NASA sends a rocket to Mars manned by humanoid android Colonel Frank Saunders. Mistaking the craft for a warhead, the aliens send the android back to Earth in a fiery explosion. With half his face burnt off and a damaged computer brain, Frank embarks on a murderous rampage throughout Puerto Rico.

    The aliens invade beaches and pool parties, making off with full-figured bikini babes as breeding stock for their dying planet. Meanwhile, Frank's creator Adam Steele (James Karen, Superman Returns, The Return of the Living Dead), and his assistant race to stop Frank's rampage and halt the girls' abduction.

    With Bruce Glover (Diamonds Are Forever) in a dual role as an alien invader and the Space Monster, along with a climactic raygun-firing superhumanoid battle between Frank and the beast, Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster clocks in as a Saturday matinee classic. It rivals Plan 9 From Outer Space for sheer head-turning amazement.
    -Oldies.com

    Dilbert Thockmeyer supported this idea  · 
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    I cannot believe that MST3K (both old and new versions) and Rifftrax has not yet riffed this movie. If there ever was a film daring anyone to riff it, this is that film. Rifftrax, if you don't riff this film, I bet that the new MST3K personnel are going to do it in the very near future. This movie does all of your work for you, all you have to do is make some occasional rude disgusting sounds in the background, you don't even have to say anything and the movie's bad dialog, terrible acting, goofy script, awful direction will do all of your riffing work for you. In other words, the laffs are already built-in, just show the film and the Haw Haws are guaranteed to follow.

  7. 62 votes
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    10 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo- Part 2

    OK, OK LADIES...QUIET DOWN, QUIET DOWN PLEASE...COULD ALL OF THE MASTER'S BRIDES JUST TURN AROUND A COUPLE OF TIMES AND THEN LOOK UP TO THE HEAVENS FOR A MINUTE AND THEN RETURN TO THE SACRED FIRE CIRCLE?
    VERY GOOD...VERY GOOD...THANK YOU LADIES.
    -Manos

    OH MY MANOS, WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET THESE BRIDES ANYWAY MASTER?
    THESE WOMEN LOOK LIKE THE'VE ALL BEEN HIT WITH THE UGLY STICK!
    THESE WOMEN LOOK LIKE THEY ALL HOWL AT THE FULL MOON!
    FROM THE LOOKS OF THESE WOMEN, I'D SAY THEY ALL MUST BE FABULOUS COOKS!
    -Manos

    Well, we live in a pretty remote area, and it isn't easy finding...
    -Master

    WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ABOUT THAT BIG TALL BLONDE SHYLY HIDING OVER THERE BEHIND THAT TREE?
    YOU BETTER NOT BE HOLDING OUT ON ME MASTER!
    YOU...THE BLONDE...BEHIND THE TREE, COME OUT HERE IN THE FIRELIGHT AND JOIN THE OTHER BRIDES SO THAT I MIGHT TAKE A LOOK AT YOU!
    -Manos

    You really don't want her.
    Trust me?
    -Master

    SILENCE! NOT ANOTHER WORD!
    WHY...SHE IS BEAUTIFUL.
    WHAT IS YOUR NAME SWEETHEART?
    -Manos

    Tina.
    -Tina

    AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING TINA?
    -Manos

    Uh...I am Master's bride.
    -Tina

    YES I KNOW THAT, BUT WHAT ARE YOUR OUTSIDE INTERESTS OTHER THAN BEING MASTER'S BRIDE?
    -Manos

    Automotive repair, riding my Harley, red leather stilettos with eight inch heels, and wearing hot pants.
    -Tina

    MY...MY HOW INTERESTING. I LOVE A GIRL WHO SHARES THE SAME INTERESTS AS ME.
    MASTER...YOU NAUGHY BOY...YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS.
    I CHOOSE TINA AS MY TWENTY YEAR SACRIFICIAL ANNIVERSARY GIFT.
    -Manos

    Uh you don't want her, she's a terrible cook.
    -Master

    She never cleans her room, and curses like a sailor.
    -Torgo

    She sleeps late.
    -Master

    She stays up all night and parties.
    -Torgo

    SILENCE!
    I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE!
    -Manos

    If I may be so bold, there is one other thing that I absolutely must share with you, before you take Tina away.
    -Master

    I SHALL ALLOW YOU TO SPEAK JUST THIS ONCE AND THEN NO MORE.
    -Manos

    She's a he!
    -Master

    WHAT!
    -Manos

    She's a him!
    -Torgo

    JUST WHAT IS IT YOU TWO BONEHEADS ARE TRIING TO SAY?
    -Manos

    She's a guy!
    Tina-is-a-man!
    -Master and Torgo together.
    '
    THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! SHE'S NOT ONLY BETTER LOOKING THAN ALL OF YOUR BRIDES PUT TOGETHER, SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN!
    WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF MASTER?
    -Manos

    Well, we live in a pretty remote area, and it isn't easy finding...
    -Master

    SILENCE!
    -Manos

    WELL I'LL TELL YOU BOTH WHAT! SINCE THIS IS MY ANNIVERSARY GIFT, AND EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE BOTH SUBSTANDARD BUT GENUINELY FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS, I SHALL ACCEPT TINA AS MY ANNIVERSARY GIFT AND NOT DESTROY YOU BOTH. BUT I DO EXPECT A SACRED VOW OF SILENCE CONCERNING THIS LITTLE MATTER.
    WHAT SAY YOU TINA, ARE YOU WILLING JOIN ME IN THE HEAVENS AND WE'LL HAVE MASTER AND TORGO AS OUR DEVOTED WORSHIPERS?
    -Manos

    Well...I suppose that a girl could do worse. And as much as I am fond of both Master and Torgo, this could be a girl's big chance to move up the social ladder of success.
    Is your place pretty big Mr. Manos?
    -Tina

    I OWN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE...IS THAT BIG ENOUGH?
    -Manos

    I suppose that it's a good start.
    Ok honey...wisk me away to your kingdom-in-the-sky.
    -Tina

    SWEETHEART, YOU HAVE MADE ME THE HAPPIEST MANOS EVER.
    SAY...IF WE HURRY WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET BACK IN TIME TO CATCH THE LAST PART OF "AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."
    -Manos

    (A great and terrible wind like a cyclone from Hell whips up, there is a terrible thunderous roar like North Korea has launched all of their intercontinental ballistic missiles at the same time, a blinding white light brighter than 10,000 suns momentarily lights up the sky and then darkness followed by an eerie silence. Manos and Tina have left the building.)

    Master and Torgo stare at each other wordlessly in stunned disbelief.
    The loss of Tina is greater than either of them can comprehend.
    Tonight was supposed to be Tina's turn to go and pick up the pre-ordered take-out pizzas for dinner.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo- Part 1

    The fire Torgo, add more wood to the fire.
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    This has to be a giant roaring fire that reaches to the heavens, not a pitiful campfire for a cub scout weenie roast.
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    We need a great fire to honor a great and powerful God.
    We build this fire to honor the most wonderful, the most feared and omnipotent powerful God Manos.
    Add more wood to the fire Torgo. MORE WOOD!
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    Yes, that's it Torgo. The sacred fire is magnificent. Now we look upward to the sky and call out the name that only the chosen few can speak..

    Manos...Manos...Oh great and powerful ruler of the seen and unseen, look down upon the fire that we have made for you, look down upon US your lowly humble servants, and receive our sacrifice to you and only you.
    Be merciful, be just, and be generous with those who serve you and only you.

    Did that sound ok to you Torgo?
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    (A deep low rumble comes from the heavens. The sound increases to deafening levels. Lightning flashes blue, now red, now green and keeps repeating it's endless colorful fight show. The winds pick up, blowing the huge bonfire every which way sending embers flying across the night sky. Master and Torgo prostrate themselves on the ground before the fire, not only to escape the growing violent turbulence, but to faithfully receive the most powerful and feared God Manos, whose wrath is great when angered, and whose benevolence is limitless to all of those who serve him with unquestioning obedience and devotion.)

    WHO CALLS OUT TO MANOS, THE MOST POWERFUL GOD IN THE UNIVERSE!
    -Manos

    It is I Manos, the Master, and his faithful, but slow, servant man/goat Togo, who also thinks that your kinda cool too.
    -Master

    I WAS JUST ABOUT TO WATCH "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS'", WHY HAVE YOU CALLED UPON ME?
    -Manos

    It is that time of the month again Manos.
    -Master

    THAT'S A LITTLE "TMI" MASTER!
    -Manos

    This is the time of the month that I and Torgo build a great fire and offer you a sacred sacrifice Manos.
    Right Torgo?
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    What do you think of the sacred bonfire Manos?
    -Master

    IT''S OK...I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB MYSELF WITH A SINGLE BOLT OF LIGHTING!
    -Manos

    We...being myself and Torgo, would like to say some sacred words, dance around the fire for a while and then offer you a really special sacrifice.
    Tonight's sacrifice is special because it is our anniversary Manos. Both yours and ours.
    It was twenty years ago on this date that both I and Torgo discovered your magnificence and offered ourselves up to you as your humble devotes for a lifetime of worship and allegiance.
    Isn't that right Torgo?
    -Master

    Damn Skippy!
    -Torgo

    OK...LETS CUT TO THE PART WHERE YOU GIVE ME THE GIFTS SO I CAN GET BACK TO MY SHOW!
    -Manos

    Torgo made this sculpture in your likeness from twenty years of belly button lint that he has been collecting in anticipation of this special moment.
    -Master

    ...and I am sharing these scrumdiddlyisious smores that I will be cooking to perfection over the sacred bonfire, and will offer up to you first, before myself or Torgo has had any to eat.
    -Master

    (YAWN)...WELL...CONSIDERING YOUR BUDGET, THIS IS ABOUT ALL I WOULD EXPECT FROM EITHER OF YOU.
    BUT HOW ABOUT SOMETHING WITH A MORE DEEPER MEANING?
    SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL VALUE? SOMETHING THAT MEANS MORE TO YOU THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD?
    -Manos

    I think that he means me Master.
    -Torgo

    NO I DON'T MEAN YOU TORGO, OR YOUR BELLY BUTTON LINT CREATIONS EITHER.
    I THINK THAT MASTER SHOULD OFFER UP ONE OF HIS BRIDES TO ME AS A SACRIFICE.
    THAT...WOULD REALLY IMPRESS ME!
    -Manos

    WHAT? YOU MUST BE JOKING?
    -Master

    IN TWENTY YEARS, HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN ME TO JOKE?
    -Manos

    You got a point there!
    -Master

    BRING OUT ALL OF YOUR MANY BRIDES MASTER!
    LET ME GAZE UPON THEM AND THEN I WILL CHOOSE THE ONE THAT YOU WILL WILLINGLY OFFER UP TO ME AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT/SACRIFICE.
    OKAAAAAY?
    -Manos

    (Master and Torgo hurriedly go about the property seeking out and bringing all of Master's chosen brides that he loves both deeply and equally, to the great God Manos..
    They bring the brides to the bonfire and wait for the omnipotent Manos to make a decision.)

    ...cont

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    MANOS' - Notes to Myself

    Was just getting ready to destroy a small city in the Midwest when I noticed my Hands-of-Fate. "Geeez these hands look...terrible." I thought to myself. These are not the Hands-of Fate that instill fear and obedience, these are the hands of a dishwasher at a Denny's in Minnesota . I really must make an appointment with my manicurist Lisa at "Nail Envy." It's time to ditch my oh-so-boring Goth black nail color that is so...YESTERDAY, for a more up-to-date sacrificial blood red color, that is more complimentary to an omnipotent God like myself. Who knows, I might be able to attract a higher class of followers, instead of my only two current followers-to-date, Master and Torgo. What was I thinking when I hired those two?
    In the meantime, I refuse to destroy any cities or go out in public until I get my Manos makeover.
    MANOS HAS SPOKEN!

    - Manos (The terrible-looking (for now) Hands-of-Fate.)

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    11/21/2019
    3:30 a.m.

    Torgo's Diary

    Dear diary, Master looks so handsome in the moonlight, his hideous demonic stare beckons me to come closer, but I dare not. When Master gets angry with me I get a secret thrill inside that makes me shiver with desire. My servant job to Master doesn't pay me money, it has no medical benefits, and doesn't even include a pension or a 401k plan, and yet I stay. Why? Last night, I accidently got too close to one of Master's brides, and Master flew into an uncontrolled rage. Could Master be jealous...of me?
    Does Master secretly care...about me? Maybe there is some hope for a special...friendship with Master. Only time will tell.

    -Torgo

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    "It is the will of Manos!"

    Movie Trailer 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36yjsD8BbAE

    Movie Trailer 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Sza97icUw

    Dilbert Thockmeyer supported this idea  · 
  8. 133 votes
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    9 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo-

    I just cannot believe it Torgo, we just get our magnificent new beautiful neon "Valley Lodge" sign, with chase lights, built and that hick sheriff Jennings orders us to dismantle it.

    What an unmitigated nerve he has threatening us that if we don't remove our sign immediately, he will fine us and throw us in jail.

    Sheriff Jennings should have addressed these issues to you Torgo, since this was all your idea in the first place.
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    Not fair.

    It's just not fair.

    IT"S...JUST...NOT...FAIR!
    -Master

    Am I right, or am I right Torgo?
    -Master

    Yes Torgo.
    -Torgo

    I mean...???

    What?

    What was that you just said to me Torgo?
    -Master

    -Torgo

    You just said "Yes Torgo," didn't you? I heard you say it..
    -Master

    -Torgo

    Don't give me the silent treatment Togo!

    I clearly heard what you said.

    JUST GO AHEAD AND ADMIT YOUR MISTAKE!....................................

    ...............................RIGHT NOW!
    -Master

    -Torgo

    You know and understand that I am the #1 favorite follower of the great God Manos, and that I have been granted many awesome tremendous powers.

    When pleased, I can give great joy and happiness, when angered, I can level whole cities with just a nod of my head.

    Because of my awesome unlimited supernatural powers Torgo, we no longer need to go to the 7/11 to microwave our breakfast burritos like we used to. Remember?

    With a simple wave of my hand, I can heat our breakfast burritos to perfection.

    That is what unlimited power is all about Torgo.

    You need to tremble at my feet and bow, like I do when Manos stops by for tea and cookies.

    Now admit that you were mocking me, or incur my terrible and fearsome wrath!
    -Master

    -Torgo

    Ok...fine...Torgo! You have done it now! You have really just finally done it! Your fate is sealed!

    You can expect to find your breakfast burrito to be a charred smoking ash cinder when you get home.

    Now finish dismantling the sign and haul it all back to our lair!

    I'm out of here.
    -Master

    Master walks away, and when he is out of hearing range and unable to be seen, quietly, almost silently, in a hushed whisper Torgo says:

    Yes Torgo.
    -Torgo

    ...and gives Master the finger.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    12/8/2019
    12:40 a.m.

    Torgo's Diary

    Dear diary, I have this old AM transistor radio that barely works. I don't remember where I got this radio, but I have had it for a long time. Sometimes very late at night, or really early in the morning, I can hear people talking on it, or music playing. This morning I was clearly able to hear a song being played, before the signal faded into static again. The song was "Merry Christmas Darling" sung by Karen Carpenter. She has such a beautiful voice. It was a special magical moment for me and just what I needed to hear.

    -Torgo

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -A Day in the Lives of Master and Torgo-

    You know Torgo, it has been like forever, that we have had any visitors.
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    The last time we had visitors, it was that guy in the convertible...with the movie camera.
    -Master

    Yes Master
    -Torgo

    ...and he had a family and a dog...remember him Torgo?
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    I think that his name was Hal...
    You know what Torgo? I think that we need a new "Valley Lodge" sign at the entrance to our ten mile dirt road that leads to our crash pad. The old sign is falling apart, and you can't even read it anymore.
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    I think, I'll ask Manos, the all seeing, all knowing, most powerful God known to man, what he thinks.
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    Manos?, Come in Manos, it is I "The Master" wishing to communicate with you.
    -Master

    (Thunder sounds and then lightning flashes.)

    This better not be a collect call like last time Master!

    YES! What do you want now?
    -Manos

    We, being myself and Torgo, were thinking that it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to replace that old "Valley Lodge" sign at our road entrance, with a new one so that we might attract new sacrificial victims to honor your great mightiness.

    If you like this idea, it was mine, if you don't like this idea, it was Torgo who thought of it.
    -Master

    Do you realize that I am right in the middle of watching a big college football game, and I have bet a lot of money on it?
    -Manos

    Oh great Manos, should we replace the "Valley Lodge" sign with a much bigger sign that lights up, at our dirt road entrance?
    Should we huh? Should we?
    -Master

    ...whatever.
    -Manos

    Thank you omnipotent one! I will take that as a YES sign, and we will do your bidding at once, or as soon as we can get around to it.

    ...uh, I have just one other small request...
    -Master

    MANOS HAS SPOKEN!

    Over and out.
    -Manos

    Ok Togo, we got the green light from Manos, let us build us the biggest frigowsky sign that people can't miss for miles around.

    What do you think Torgo?
    -Master

    Your eyes take on a savage hypnotic glow in the moonlight, that I find compelling and cannot resist.
    -Torgo

    What was that Torgo?
    -Master

    I said...yes Master.
    -Torgo

    Oh...ok, I thought that you said something else.

    Torgo, I've got a wonderful idea. Since we are going to build a brand new :"Valley Lodge" sign anyway, let's do it in bright red neon with chase lights, and then we'll post a bunch of phony positive Yelp reviews about the lodge, and then we just sit back and wait for the sacrifices to come driving in...I mean the guests to start arriving.

    What do you think about that Torgo, am I magnificently brilliant or brilliantly magnificent?
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

    If we hurry Torgo, we can make it to the Home Depot before it closes and pick up our sign building materials so we can get started with the new sign right away.
    -Master

    Yes Master.
    -Torgo

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    MANOS' - Notes to Myself

    Just when I get into my jammies, pop some corn, have a cold beer ready, I get summoned up by those two knuckle heads, Master and Torgo, for another one of their sacrificial offerings to me. What's up with those idiots anyway? Don't they understand that Omnipotent God's have a structured work schedule, just like other blue collar workers, and they don't like to be bothered in their off-hour free time? First thing I should do is drop Master and Torgo from my worshiper list and get some competent disciples to replace them. Then I should bestow my powers on others who will appreciate the perks and pleasures of WORLD DOMINATION and can also respect my privacy, especially on weekends.
    This will be my first New Year's Resolution for 2020.

    -Manos (All Seeing, All Knowing, Feared-by-all-who-gaze-upon-him, Omnipotent God and a really nice guy.)

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    10/21/2019
    1:26 a.m.

    MASTER'S JOURNAL

    Caught Torgo staring at me in that "funny way" again yesterday. This is beginning to make me feel a little uncomfortable. The way he looks at me reminds me of the way that I look at a woman before I make her my bride. You don't suppose that Torgo secretly wish's that he were my...bride? No...he would look terrible in white chiffon and panties. I will talk to Torgo about this tomorrow, right after he does my nails and gives me a full-body massage.

    -Master

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Praise be to Manos!
    Praise be to Manos!
    Praise be to Manos!

    Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR4EEN-zoUQ

    Dilbert Thockmeyer supported this idea  · 
  9. 2 votes
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    -Faceless Man's Jokes-

    Q) What did the Faceless Man's boss say to him before he fired him?

    A1) Let's face it, we just don't see eye-to-eye!

    A2) I find it ironic that you of all people would be spending so much time on Facebook!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Faceless Man is a huge Star Trek Fan.

    Q) What did William Shatner say to the Faceless Man, when he asked him for an autograph at the Star Trek convention?

    A) "GET A FACE!"

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Faceless Man graduated renowned acting coach Stella Adler's intensive Hollywood acting course as the best in her entire class.

    Q) What did Ms. Adler say to him as she handed him his diploma?

    A) "You have a face made for radio."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) What is the biggest drawback of being The Faceless Man?

    A) The facial recognition feature on your smartphone won't work.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Q) When did The Faceless Man know that he had truly hit rock bottom?

    A) When a total stranger approached him on the street and said: "Hey, aren't you Adam Sandler? Could I have your autograph?"

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Spoiler Alert: What's really scary about this movie is not that the guy doesn't have a face, but the outrageous property taxes he has to pay.

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  10. 9 votes
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    5 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    John Agar's Journal

    First they stick me in "The Brain From Planet Arous" working with a no-talent loser giant floating brain who got paid more than I did.
    Then I get stuck in "The Daughter of Dr. Jekyll" about a woman who is sweet and loving and then wants to murder you the next minute.
    Which comes waaay too close to reflecting my personal home life.
    Suddenly, I find myself feeling nostalgic about the times that I was making films with Larry "There's no time for that, we'll fix it in editing." Buchanan.
    If my agent is reading this: YOU'RE FIRED!

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Overheard: Two U.S. senators talking during their lunch break.

    Senator Jethro Bodine: Hey, I heared that yer datin that there beutiful Doctor Jekyll's daughter?

    Senator Earnest T Bass: Heeyuk, you heared right. I guess dat good news travels fast in these parts.

    Senator Jethro Bodine: So well uh what's she like?

    Senator Earnest T Bass: Oh she great. One minute she so nice ta me, fixin me dinner, kissin on me, tellin me she want to marry me, and the nest minute she jumpin on me, threatin ta cut me inta little bitty pieces and then grind muh little bitty pieces into hamburger meat to make sum human frittatas

    Senator Jethro Bodine: Well that there first part sounds pretty good, but that second part might take a bit a gettin used ta.

    Senator Earnest T Bass: The frittata part? Heck, I don even knows what one of thems is.
    Her bein all edecated, an bein a doctor's daughter, that's probably jest a nudder of city people's ways ah showin affection fer there men folk.. I'm kinda new to the dating seen, an believe it or not she muh first real live girlfriend, so I figger dat these here relations things might takes a bit a gittin used ta.
    I never tol ya this Jethro, but I kinda like's 'em a little wild. Yeeehaa!

    Senator Jethro Bodine: I kinda figured dat bout ya Earnest. Hey! She gotta sister?

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Dr.Jekyll's daughter: I will now drink this potion, and you can watch as it changes me from a mild sweet woman into a hideous blood-thirsty maniac.

    Politically incorrect man: Gee, and I just assumed that you were bi-polar!

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Sure sounds like a girl that I used to date, and now I find out that they made a movie about her. As the saying goes: You don't know what you got till it's gone.

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  11. 1,005 votes
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    8 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    If the Rifftrax Live Halloween Spookshow Spectacular is going to be done, it has to be very well planned.
    In addition to doing this in a spookily decorated haunted theater, where monsters will interact with the audience. You should design an original Rifftrax spook show poster that could be postcard sized to hand out to the live theater audiences as souvenirs, and this also should be available as a standard size poster to purchase by Rifftrax fans everywhere.
    You can find many poster design ideas, by looking at all of the many spookshow posters on the internet and Ebay.
    To keep all of the many fright activities going smoothly a "Master of Scareremonies" should be used.
    A great choice for this job would be an established horror host such as, Svengoolie, Elvira, or Count Gore de Vol.
    Music and sound effects are requested to heighten the mood please?

    Target Date: 10/31/2020
    Rifftrax, If you want this to happen this year, you have about ten months from now (12-2019) to plan and put together this Live Spookshow Extravaganza.
    The clock is ticking...tick...tick...tick...tick...tick.
    As the wise old hillbilly Clem Kadiddlehopper once said as he drove his jalopy off a cliff to see how long it would take to reach the bottom: "LET''S GET ER DONE!"

    The official working title should be: Rifftrax Live Spooktacular A-Go-Go

    Below, is a link to YouTube to listen to "Spookshow Spectacular A-Go-Go," with 32 soundtracks that should get you in the spookshow mood. And it's just some good old-fashioned silly fun too.
    This is available as a CD or a download for purchase too.

    Spookshow Spectacular A-Go-Go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZYEkRZ-KSU&list=OLAK5uy_lg1rhGEnaSld7rafdOayZB7CZcCe8rEr4&index=1

    Spookshow Theater Trailers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J10HqvffkrU

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  12. 19 votes
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    3 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    NEVER! NEVER! NEVER trust a gator!
    You turn your back on 'em, and...CHOMP...they bite your hand off.
    Trust me, I know from experience!

    -Manon

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  13. 30 votes
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    3 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Back in the 1980's I was attacked by the "Crab Monsters." TWO DIFFERENT TIMES. Luckily I was able to destroy them with chemical weapons that I picked up at my local drug store.

    They look much larger in this movie than I remember them.

  14. 12 votes
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    2 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    The only turkey around here is this Rifftrax suggestion, and there is nothing humorous about making fun of turkeys. Not now, not never. Respect for turkeys and all their yummy fixins is what should be promoted here, not guffaws, smirks, and crude jokes. How would you like it if we turkeys all got together and made fun of Rifftrax? HUH? Yeah we thought as much! The idea doesn't seem so funny anymore does it? DOES IT? Forget this stupid suggestion, and please, please, please, next Thanksgiving, just eat a salad OK?
    Instead of having Turkey for dinner, invite a turkey over to have dinner with you. PEACE.

    United Turkeys For A Great Vegan America (R)

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  15. 11 votes
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    2 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Nostradamus' Head Predictions:

    1) Earwax will be considered mankind's most precious natural resource.

    2) Humans will exclusively communicate with hand-puppets.

    3) In 1957 they will make a "MOVIE" (whatever that is) and it will be titled: The Man Without a Body.
    The world will then know the real truth about me and what a great funny guy I really was.
    Until then, I will continue to make predictions and write horoscopes for income.

    4) I predict that in the future, something called a "Credit Card" will be used by people to spend money that they don't have, to buy things that they really don't want.........or need.

    5) A strange device called a "Television," will be invented so that people can observe something called: "America's Funniest Home Videos," where people can watch other people doing embarrassing stupid things, that in my current century, we would never want anyone to ever know about us, much less see us doing it.

    6) Something called "Rifftrax" will appear many years into the future and it will be used by all to interpret and understand a thing called "b-movies" (whatever that is).
    Mankind won't be any smarter, they will just laugh-a-lot more.

    That is all of my future predictions for now.

    -N

  16. 3 votes
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    2 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    More questions for the comprehensive Rifftrax survey for this movie suggestion.

    7) Adam Sandler cameo wearing a gorilla suit. (unbilled) YES ( ) NO ( ) Hard-to-tell. (X)
    8) Gorilla wearing an Adam Sandler suit. YES ( ) NO ( ) It sure would improve this movie. (X)
    9) Adam Sandler gets an Academy Award nomination as Best Actor for playing Lola the drag queen with a heart-of-gold, in the movie: "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, gets a Job as a Wedding Singer" YES ( ) NO ( ) It could happen! (X)

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Comprehensive movie survey to determine if movie is riffworthy.

    1) Has obnoxious child actors who overact. YES (X) NO ( )
    2) Crazy inventor aka MAD. YES (X) NO ( )
    3) Very strange doctor aka MAD. YES (X) NO ( )
    4) Mysterious spooky house aka HAUNTED. YES (X) NO ( )
    5) Large man in a gorilla suit. YES (X) NO ( )
    6) Adam Sandler cameo appearance. (unbilled) YES ( ) NO (X)

    Survey results are conclusive: This movie is 100% riffworthy.

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  17. 208 votes
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    9 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Me: This MST3K riff is so old...
    Audience: How old is it?
    Me: This MST3K riff is so old that I had to play my DVD on my record player last night to watch it.
    Audience: Groooooooan!
    Me: I have not been able to watch this movie in it's entirety for over twenty years.
    Audience: Why is that?
    Me: Because I made a deal with myself that every time the name Rowsdower is said in "The Final Sacrifice", I have a shot of whiskey. I have never been able to make it past the first ten minutes of this movie.
    Audience: Groooooooan! (Uproarious laughter)

    Me: But seriously folks, isn't it time to dust off this old MST3K classic, freshen it up with some new riffs, do it "live" to make it more intense, dust it off, clean out the old cobwebs and put it on display for the newer Rifftrax fans, not to mention the older ones who forget where they put their car keys every day and laugh at things five minutes after they happen......? ? ? ?
    ................................................................? ? ? ? ?
    .................................................................?? Uhhhhhhhh............................Ha Hah.

    Dilbert Thockmeyer supported this idea  · 
  18. 1 vote
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    4 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Ranked #1 by J.D. Power in Customer Satisfaction - Most Admired Giant Blood-Sucking Mosquito Movie.

    26 Years in-a-row.

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Drake is a corrupt and greedy developer who is illegally dumping toxic waste into the mines around the small town of Clear Sky, causing mosquitoes to mutate into giant beasts that attack and kill anything, including humans. A lawman of the town sheriff, Roy Boone, and his reunited love Sarah Crosby, must put a stop to both the pollution and the bugs. The body counts keep rising, which causes the locals to feel that they have to move out of the city. Crosby and environmental inspector Gordon Perry try to find the origin of the waste, but certain people try to prevent them for doing so due to Drake's evil deeds, which involves some hitmen.

    -wiki

    This movie has that small little town in the middle of nowhere, b movie, home made, old fashioned horror sort of feel to it that is perfect for riffing. Skeeter is also fun to enjoy as a stand alone film.
    No state-of-the-art CGI, or dazzling special effects to be found here. Nope! None!

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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    " Sweetheart, this movie is the stuff that riffs are made of."

    -Humphrey Bogart's lesser known brother Waldo.

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  19. 3 votes
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    2 comments  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
    Dilbert Thockmeyer supported this idea  · 
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Hey idiot, if your phony movie posting was supposed to be a not-at-all funny riff on bikers not being able to perform sexually for amazon women campers who become enraged and kill them all in unspeakable ways, that's the exact same formula that I am working on in my current screenplay in development and you have stolen it.
    If you don't remove this illegal posting "RIGHT AWAY" I'll have my high-powered lawyers sue you for everything you've got. And then we'll sue you for everything that you haven't got.
    This is your only warning!

    BTW: Flaccid is spelled with two C's ya big dummy!

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  20. 10 votes
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    1 comment  ·  RiffTrax Movie Requests  ·  Flag idea as inappropriate…  ·  Admin →
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    Dilbert Thockmeyer commented  · 

    Movie Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccXaHREoCI8

    Besides Jim Sullivan, you also get the funny and still cute Kelli Maroney from the movie "Night of the Comet," which is another fun movie.
    Gila, is an enjoyable homage to original "The Giant Gila Monster," and B monster movie lovers everywhere should appreciate the movies' attempt at a 1950's style.

    I almost feel guilty for suggesting this as a movie to be riffed.
    It's like throwing a small steak into a den of lions.
    Oh well...eat hardy boys!

    Dilbert Thockmeyer supported this idea  · 
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