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The Mummy (2017)

Universal Pictures makes a daring, brave and completely unheard of move not ever made in history except for that one times they did it back with all their originals and the other times with Abbot and Costello- they want to make a Cinematic Universe by combining a bunch of movies! This brave new idea was, for some reason, met with some of the worst reviews of the year leaving it a surefire Razzie contender. Tom Cruise stars as a guy who runs a lot and shoots things sometimes and works as a tomb raider with his sidekick, Jake Johnson who would have been MUCH better in the lead role. Hell, any actor or actress would be better in the lead role because this part just isn't right for Tom Cruise.

In his first major feature film, writer/producer Alex Kurtzman ("Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," "Star Trek," "Cowboys and Aliens") whizzes the whole thing down his leg by making the longest preview for a movie I have ever seen. The horror only exists in that when you get bored you will still have more than an hour of this left and talented actress Sofia Boutella is stuck trying to shine a turd. Watch this original movie give you things you've never seen before like...Zombies! Oh wait, zombies might have been in a different movie. Actually, they're Skeleton Zombies with their most of them sucked out through their mouths! Other shocking things include a hero who may or may not be able to beat evil (spoiler alert- he does), an actress who might as well be a Bond girl, a friend who is murdered coming back to haunt the other friend until he completes a ritual, rats in London(!) and Russel Crowe playing Dr. Henry Jekyll. But wait, Hyde was never a Universal Monster. Ah well, he's in the public domain so he might as well be.

Try to control your body from excreting all of the fluids in terror as The Evil Chick goes through a seemingly simple ritual (knife + jewel = stabbing a dude who becomes the devil or something) that makes absolutely no sense. See Emmy winner Courtney B. Vance ("The People vs. O.J. Simpson") scowl and bark orders that contradict themselves and then die in the least theatrical manner possible! Watch as The Evil Chick sends a bunch of birds to kamikaze the military jet which contains her sarcophagus because she knew she had to reunite the dagger with the metal and they were roughly around its location in London! And then see her start to kill Tom Cruise and then stop because she somehow didn't notice the metal wasn't there even though that's apparently why she brought the plane down to begin with! Enjoy the ride through a script with less sense than reading IKEA instructions upside down, backwards and in a language that is entirely made up. Universal spent $125 million on "The Mummy," so it must be great!

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    Anonymous shared this idea  ·   ·  Admin →

    4 comments

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      • Toyland Chairman commented  · 

        I know you're being sarcastic, but Universal did technically create the idea of the shared cinematic universe. FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN (1943) was the first ever crossover.

      • STAR WARS STINKS commented  · 

        The time the birds attacked I laughed. It turned into a Birdemic! Special thanks to James Nguyen.

      • STAR WARS STINKS commented  · 

        There are MUCH worse movies around, and I didn't really think it was awful, but it could use a riff. Just for fun. Universal has started a whole new monster franchise called Dark Universe. It's a new saga for Mike, Kevin, and Bill to sink their teeth into! Yipee!

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